Impact. That's what we discussed last night in grief counseling, or as I refer to it -"widow school."

The impact the death our loved one had on us. The impact of the illness, the dying, the finding out, the funeral,etc,etc. Everyone has a different impact, even though so many of our circumstances are the same.

I have impacts from it everyday. I call them aftershocks. Yesterday, I opened a drawer in the kitchen and the knob came off in my hand. I've been asking G to fix that damn knob for 6 months. That little aftershock produced a wave of grief that sent me to the kitchen floor for a good 20 minutes. Then I got up and went to work.

At work, someone told me I was strong and that I was a rock at Gregory's funeral. I guess I was. I wasn't medicated, I wasn't anything. I think I was just in shock. I'm a rock alright, when you can see me. When you can't I'm like a big blubbering grief sponge. As another blogger recently said about himself, I can grieve like a Ninja.

I think that's why I feel so odd at this group. Some people can't even talk without crying or just bursting into sobs. I'll admit I did tear up a bit last night, but so far I haven't cried or anything. And it's not that I can't....I do. I just do it with me. I'm scared of the day that I can't control it anymore.

But even though my aftershocks are often and devastating now, the lasting impact that Gregory had on my life will never go away...

*great memories

Thank you baby for every second we had,even through the bad, we came back to the good. Thank you for having an everlasting impact on my life. Thank you. I love you.


Evil Twin's Wife said...

I can't imagine the pain you are in right now. I can't imagine life without my husband. {{Hugs}}

Big Pissy said...

I think it's so good for write posts like this and get it out.

LOVIN7 said...

Just because you don't cry at your group sessions doesn't mean you're not hurting just as much as they are-you just choose to do it in private, and that's okay. I hope they will help you in the long run. I saw this in the paper yesterday, and thought it fit you and Greg, so I'm going to put it here--

You can shed tears when he's gone or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray he'll come back, or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.
Your heart can by empty because you can't see him, or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him and only that he's gone, or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back or you can do what he'd want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

((HUGS)) Cozzie!

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

First time to your page and I just want to give you a big ((HUG))

Elaina M. Avalos said...

Thank you for sharing your journey. Have you heard or read the novel, "Good Grief" by Lolly Winston?

Such a great book! Laughed, cried, laughed, cried. Awesome book!

Blondefabulous said...

You can't do something like grief on someone else's schedule. It has to be when you have it, not at meetings, or what ever. I think your doing well. I'd be a hot mess by now. {{HUGZ}}

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Also, I'm following you on Twitter now too - if you want you can follow me back at EvilTwinsWife. :-)

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

damn, he seemed like a good man.