Thursday. Meh.

So today my first appointment,(and early waker-upper)was my attorney's office,to sign the Probate paperwork. Again. I am tired of real life smacking me in the face in B&W,but I signed it anyway. Business is business, as G would say.

Then I journeyed along to the Shelby Cancer Center where I met my parents and his doctor. I am sure she is a lovely lady in person but even when she is telling you that the cancer has gotten smaller and has given him "more steps on the ladder" (actual quote)the prognosis is still "not so good" , and "basically terminal"'s like Really, Bitch?? This is my daddy you're talking about. He will never die.

Well, she basically crapped on my ideals. Thanks Doc. I "preciate it. You have just reinforced my new thought that life sucks to the umpteenth....and I love my mom and all but sometimes I think she is on crack, because right there, in front of the doctor, and me, and my daddy,she sez.." My daughter just lost her husband, she can't lose her daddy too."


Well damn , it's all my fault again. Someone can't die because my husband just died and I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE. No one can sneeze, or cough, fart, or have an issue, cause IT MIGHT SEND KIM OVER THE EDGE !!!!

I know she didn't mean it. I know she is grappling with her own thoughts, feelings, and doubts. She has her own pain, and I am saddling her and my Daddy with mine. They have been married for 43 years FGS, that is a LIFETIME for me, and some of yall too.

And I KNOW she doesn't want to join the club. It's not one anyone wants to be in.

I damn sure fought it tooth and nail.

But don't exile me, or broadcast me, or pity me cause I'm in it. I don't wanna be here, I don't want my daddy here, nor my mom, and I damn sure didn't want Gregory here, but I have to own it. I OWN IT. I am the one who should tell it. When I'm ready.

Don't tell anyone unless I tell you. Don't tell doctors I have never met before that my husband died and my daddy can't. Don't tell waitresses, nurses, anyone.

Don't be my brother, and run into my EX, and tell him that my husband died. Or don't run into him at all, but TEXT MESSAGE him instead.It's not his business. (ALAN- your ass is next, I promise you.) Whether it was text message or not. It wa sput outh there, so it is what it is.

This is MY venue. If I want you to know, I put it here. If I don't,I don't tell you.
This is a really easy URL to remember. But to be honest, my family doesn't know. And I have my reasons. Maybe one day they will. And maybe I am fooling myself and saying they don't now. But in the meantime, this has to be mine.

And yes, if I want to spill it out on the internet for the world and strangers and friends and new blog friends and Twitterati and Facebookers and Bloggers to see, that is my choice. My business. Me owning my grief.

I have to OWN my grief. My emotions. My responses.

It's all I got left.

Can it be mine, please?


Coloradolady said...

Gosh Kim, I am sorry your mom said that...I guess she felt it easier to say that than to say she just could not handle losing her husband....who knows.

I totally get what you said about your blog being yours, and only yours. I sometimes wish my family did not read mine, because I have to be very careful what I say. Sometimes, total strangers connect on a level that no family member can or will. Or maybe it is that we can feel more at ease with people who are connected but not connected to our lives. Does that make any sense?

I have a few post comimg up that I am sure will cause a real stink...why? because I kept it to myself....too bad, so sad. It is my choice....I think you know what I mean.

Hang in there....

LOVIN7 said...

((HUGS)) Cozzie. I hope your dad keeps improving. You just pour your heart out here and we will gladly listen to you.

Big Pissy said...

I understand how you would feel this way.

Like you said: it's own it.

TexasRaceLady said...

Kim, I totally understand your frustration with your mom's words. I doubt she is comprehending much right now, just as you have trouble comprehending G's death. You are both in your little world, yet tied together in grief and shock.

I'm here with you. You know me, and you know you can say anything in world to me.

One of these days, I may need you to listen to me. So yell, scream, cuss me out --- just don't throw things, OK?

I will keep the faith that your dad keeps improving --- even one step is a good thing.