You're missing......

Even though I'm going to be with my friends this weekend, nothing really changes.

You're still missing G. I love you. I miss you.

I'll have you in my heart.


Mississippi Girls.....

Tomorrow I am headed "home" to Mississippi for the weekend. I am going to go through my old home town and visit some folks and just see how things have changed. Then I'm going to spend the weekend at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Biloxi enjoying my friend's bachelorette weekend.I am actually looking forward to it. ^^^ See up there on the right ?? And below on the right? That's my girl Cindy, and she's getting mallied !! Mallied !! ( insert old 80's movie reference here)

I am especially excited to see my old friends who I have not spent nearly enough quality time with these last 4 years.

As you can see, we know how to have a good time !!

I am hoping Dr. Lecter stays his ass here and leaves me alone, but if he just has to show up I plan on taking a few walks on the beach to just clear my head and have some me time, so maybe the old f-er will just pop in then. We shall see.

There will be lots of stories and pics upon my return, can't promise that I will blog but I'll be Tweeting and Facebooking, I am sure.

So look out Magnolia State....I'm baaaaaaacckkk !!!


Crazy 8's !

I was tagged to do this by Beautiful Mess at Life Induces Thoughts, Mostly Random

I've never done Crazy Eight's before, so thanks !!!

To do list (i.e. “the rules”)
  1. Mention the person who tagged me, and I did !!
  2. Complete the list of 8’s, and I did !!
  3. Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them, working on it...LOL !

Eight things I am looking forward to:

  1. This weekend in Mississippi hanging out with my oldest friends.
  2. August 20th, my 40th BD - yes I am looking forward to it !!
  3. Summer excitement at the Apple Store- I love my job !
  4. Lots of time at the pool
  5. Getting back into photography
  6. Hiking more of Alabama's state parks
  7. Taking a beach trip to Florida, soon !!
  8. Getting back in shape

Eight things I did yesterday:

  1. Worked
  2. Had lunch with Rossthe8oss
  3. Went to Widow School
  4. Played with Teddy and Beaux
  5. Blogged
  6. Watched Rescue Me
  7. Played the Wii
  8. Went to Target

Eight things I wish I could do:

1. Bring my husband back
2. Cure my daddy's cancer
3. Go back to Singapore
4. Trek in Nepal again
5. Stick to an exercise program
6. Get rid of Dr. Lechter
7. Mow my grass (it has rained for 10 straight days !!!!)
8. Be a meteorologist

Eight shows I watch:

  1. Rescue Me
  2. Grey's Anatomy
  3. Cake Boss
  4. Desperate Housewives
  5. Fox Report with Shepard Smith (swooooon)
  6. The First 48
  7. Intervention
  8. The Unusuals

Eight favorite fruits:

  1. Blackberries
  2. Bananas
  3. Strawberries
  4. Grapples (apples that taste like grapes)
  5. Green Apples
  6. Ruby Red Grapefruit
  7. Green grapes
  8. Pineapple

Eight places I’d like to travel:

  1. Ireland
  2. Turks and Caicos
  3. Yellowstone
  4. Grand Canyon
  5. The coast of California
  6. Florida - A1A
  7. Washington DC
  8. Nepal

Eight places I’ve lived:

  1. Ocean Springs , Mississippi
  2. Brownsville, Texas
  3. Singapore
  4. Houston, Texas
  5. South Padre Island, Texas
  6. Poplarville, Mississippi
  7. Verbena, Alabama
  8. Alabaster, Alabama

People I’ve tagged

Big Pissy at Southern Circle of Hell:Part Deux

Steph at The Life Of a Farmer's Wife

Robin at Alabama Slacker Mama

Blonde Fabulous at Blonde Fabulocity

Backpacking Dad at Backpacking Dad

Shana at Gorillabuns

Karl at Secondhand Tryptophan

Moosh at Moosh in Indy

I'm sure they've all already done me-me's because I'm so late getting on the blog train, but I've tagged em, so my work here is done !!



Cabin fever crept in yesterday around lunchtime, and I decided I needed to "get out!" The sky had paused pouring boatloads of rain and it was actually not as humid as normal.

Usually I would have been at the lake all weekend, but with the weather and my mood I just wasn't ready to go spend my first holiday weekend there without G.

So I dusted off two of my old hobbies, hiking and photography. Grabbed the new Kimera, backpack and the Merrells and away I went to Oak Mountain State Park , the largest one in Alabama and a mere 15 minute drive from my house.

I hit the Peavine Falls trail, which is a fairly easy one unless you go off the beaten path and make your way along the water's edge. Which of course I did. I had no iPod, my phone was off, and I did really well just listening to earth. It was calming, and safe. I went all over, climbing over rocks, under trees, walking through streams. It was pretty awesome.

I've decided to add that to the vast regime of therapies I'm experimenting with. So far
it's my favorite, although definitely the most strenuous.

Dr. Lecter didn't come, apparently he doesn't like the Alabama outdoors. The S.O.B. was waiting for me after dinner though, so I settled in with a glass of wine and a wad of tissues and uploaded my pics. I was into photography in high school and college, yanno when there was actually real film? Developed my own film, processed my own prints, etc,etc. Long before the days of Photoshop and iPhoto. We didn't have memory sticks...we had 18, 24 or 36 shots a roll...even black & white film !! Yes, I'm almost 40.

So here's a peek at a few of the pictures I took, I have only had the new Kimera a few days and am still fiddling around with the settings as we are getting to know each other. Enjoy dear reader and if you'd like to see more, you can do so at

Happy Memorial Day...

Happy memorial day to everyone, dear readers. I would like to personally thank the members of my family and friends for their service to us and our country. They are the reason we are able to enjoy so many freedoms in our lives.

Thank you Papaw....


My Gregory...

....many other relatives, friends and all of the other military personnel and people that made sacrifices for our freedom.

Thank you.


Grief Monster

Hello dear readers.

Today I'd like you to meet my grief monster. He's become my new BFF, unfortunately not of my choosing.

He is with me at all times. All day, every day. All night, every night.

Oh sure, often he's quiet and maybe naps occasionally , but he's always there.

I can feel him.

And he isn't very polite. So ungentlemanly of him.

I picture him like this.

I've named him Dr Lecter. He is nearly as abomidable.

I can almost her the "Hello Kimberly" snarling out of his mouth as he makes appearances in the car, at work, while I'm bathing, everywhere. I have yet to find a place he cannot appear.

I am often successful at putting him back in his little box, but ultimately he is a strong s.o.b. and will not leave me alone. He has to come out a few times day, I guess to fulfill his / my quota.

Like I said before, I'm stealth grieving. I told someone at work that told me how well I was doing it that I was faking. And they thought I was kidding.

I'm not. I'm just an amazingly good poser.

I hope Dr Lecter has plans for the holiday weekend, maybe he'll go to that little beach town he was in the last time I saw him. If not, I'm sure he'll be around.

And he and I will get along just fine.



Guess I'd better be buying a ninja suit and a shovel with a non-reflective handle. Hee hee.

Section 13A-7-23.1
Desecration, defacement, etc., of memorial of dead; invasion or mutilation of corpse.

(a) Any person who willfully or maliciously injures, defaces, removes or destroys any tomb, monument, gravestone or other memorial of the dead, or any fence or any inclosure about any tomb, monument, gravestone or memorial, or who willfully and wrongfully destroys, removes, cuts, breaks or injures any tree, shrub, plant, flower, decoration, or other real or personal property within any cemetery or graveyard shall be guilty of a Class A misdemeanor.

(b) Any person who willfully or maliciously desecrates, injures, defaces, removes, or destroys any tomb, monument, structure, or container of human remains, and invades or mutilates the human corpse or remains shall be guilty of a Class C felony and upon conviction the person shall be punished as provided by law. Any person who maliciously desecrates an American Indian place of burial or funerary objects on property not owned by the person shall be guilty of a Class C felony and upon conviction the person shall be punished as provided by law.

(c) The provisions of subsections (a) and (b) of this section shall not apply to any person holding a permit issued by the Alabama Historical Commission pursuant to subsection (d) of this section.

(d) The Alabama Historical Commission, to provide for the lawful preservation, investigation, restoration, or relocation of human burial remains, human skeletal remains, or funerary objects, shall promulgate rules and regulations for the issuance of a permit and may issue a permit to persons or companies who seek to restore, preserve or relocate human burial remains, human skeletal remains, funerary objects, or otherwise disturb, a place of burial.
(Acts 1980, No. 80-706, p. 1424; Acts 1993, No. 93-770, §1; Acts 1993, 1st Ex. Sess., No. 93-905, p. 201, §1.)


Crazy train

Crazy Train
**DISCLAIMER - the first one that calls the crazy police on me ?? I'll dig a hole for you too! : ) **

All aboard !!

In widow school the other night we talked about "going crazy." Our featured speaker lost her husband some time ago and described alot of the emotions that apparently every one of us in that room is feeling.

A bullet list....

* the guy who lost his partner after 20 years? Couldn't find the church that he drives by EVERYDAY. This was our third meeting there.

* one of the ladies went to get her mail and stuck her cellphone in the mailbox and couldn't find it for a day.

* the lady that went off on another teacher at her school because she told her "it was a beautiful day"

* the lady who had to start buying groceries and put the cold stuff in the pantry and didn't realize it til she went looking for milk

* and of course yours truly.....who has not only done many of those things but also went ballistic on a woman in Publix who was holding up the deli line bitching about the way her cheese was sliced....

But I didn't tell the group about one of the crazy things I have thought about doing. So I'm telling you, dear reader. I figure if I put it out there I will really realize how absolutely nutball crazy it is and I might not do it. Maybe.

And I was totally sober and medication free when I had this thought. As I am now as I write this.

I thought about digging the 25% of his ashes that are in that hellhole cemetery in Cullman up and bringing him here to put with the rest of him.

Yea, that's messed up isn't it ??

Now that you've all collectively gasped and clutched your chests and told all of your friends "look at the crazy widow!!" I will continue.

I know that's not him in that box in the ground. I know that's not him in the beautiful pewter urn in my bedroom. I know this isn't him in the little urn that sits in front of my computer. I know it's not. But I am not a fan of MY husband being spread out like damn kitty litter across the state of Alabama.

So the craziness continues.

And honestly, I don't know if I could do it even though hell, I paid for everything. Technically everything in that plot is mine, including him. That's my 40th birthday getaway money sitting up there. NO ONE chipped in , it was me and about 20 of his family members, and it was my responsibility as the wife, but it would have been nice if they'd offered. Especially since they INSISTED that he be buried there so they would have "somewhere to go." I think they've been twice, including the service. I can think of somewhere they can go.

Plus, I hate the thought of him "being there." He would hate it. He would hate the ugly ass box I let them pick out and that I paid for and the ugly cross they glued on it. He would hate it. I know this. And he would be tickled if I went and got him out of there. So I dunno.

Stay tuned. We may be taking a little road trip.


Funny the way it is....

This pretty much explains how I'm feeling today....thanks David J.....



Today I stayed at the pool from 10am to 330 pm, with a quick 15 minute break for lunch and to let the boys out.....

It was a GORGEOUS day , temps were mild and I had the pool all to myself. I took some magazines and a book and two different floats. I was determined to enjoy my day.

And then my damn mind butted in.

I floated around and tried to "white-board" my thoughts. (I'll explain that later)
It didn't work. I kept thinking about coming home, finding him, the ride to the hospital, the doctors saying "there's nothing we can do", seeing him die, seeing him dead, the funeral, the cemetery....everything.

And in all that were peppered good memories.....him coming down to the pool to hang out with me for a bit between business calls from home, his smile, him calling me ten times a day while I was at this very same pool just to say hi and see if I would come home "just for a minute."

And of course I cried and carried on and blew some snot bubbles in the pool which I am sure is some violation of Alabama code and I generally just let a beautiful day spiral into a black fog of grief and self-pity. Gregory was my happy place, most of the time. The pool was also my happy place, most of the time (thanks to screaming children who often made it unhappy).

But now I'm not sure I even have a happy place anymore. I have "happy moments" that lead me into "guilty moments" for having a "happy moment." And I find myself preparing myself to feel guilty as I plan other happy times. One of my dearest friends is getting married next month, and weekend after next is her "bachelorette weekend" at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Biloxi, MS. I want to go. I want to spend time with dear friends that I haven't seen in awhile and laugh and cry and gossip and have too many margaritas by the pool and make more memories with.

But I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold it together in the same place that Gregory and I spent our last Christmas together. In a room similar to the one that he and I spent Christmas Eve and day in. In the same place we had a couples massage and pedicures. In the same place we had our last happy holiday.

I'm afraid to let this facade down in front of some of my dearest friends and ruining the weekend.

I'm afraid of my afraid.

I'm afraid that going ahead with life and having a weekend with my fiends will mean I'm forgetting that I'm in pain. That I'm over his death. That I'm forgetting him.

I'm afraid that if I don't poke the bad spots in my heart and head with a widow's regularity that I am somehow doing this wrong. I don't want to be a widow. I hate the freaking word. I want to be me again. Us again.
And I know no amount of wailing or begging is gonna ever change that.

I'm going to quote another widow who blogged this and boy did she hit it out of the park....Michelle, I hope you don't mind...

But time gives us the opportunity to burn our personal grief fuel. One experience at a time the timber of grief pops and blazes, and each day we emerge from the fire. Burned perhaps, raw for sure, dazed on occasion...but walking through the smoky haze to begin again tomorrow nonetheless. At the end of each haze filled day it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about how you heal or when. There is no right way to be a widow. Instead there are just survivors who face the flames of loss armed with the shield of love, and hope for the day when the embers that remain when grief has burned its seemingly endless fuel provide the light through which they see the rest of the world.

Then I pulled myself up and went to grief counseling group aka Widow School.

But I'm still afraid.


Congratulations !!!!

Congratulations Kyle and Kristin......cherish your lives every minute, even the bad ones.....take lots of pictures.....remember to say I love you, even if you want to strangle each other!!....and enjoy your lives together.....I love yall !!!



Today my mind is kind of in a whirl. Accompanied along by my stomach. And my nerves.

Tonight I am going to my cousin's rehearsal dinner. I will be seeing friends and family that I haven't seen in awhile. Many of them couldn't make it to the funeral , and I basically told them not to worry about it anyway. I was in a fog then and pretty much didn't give a damn about anything except the fact that my husband was dead and I was pretty damn pissed about it.

I love, love , love my cousin and his brother. I could not be closer to them than if they were my own children. We have been an integral part of each other's lives since they were born...I was the "baby" of the family til Ryan came along, and I instantly fell in love with he and his younger brother Kyle. (YES, I had a mullet! It was the 80's for crying out loud!)


They are the ones who graced me with my family nickname, "Kimbo". They couldn't say Kimberly, so it came out "Kimbo". When my brother got married I was a bridesmaid, and as soon as I hit the aisle in the church, Ryan started screaming "Kimbo Kimbo Kimbo!!" He wouldn't stop until I came back and got him and held him throughout the ceremony. I think he was close to two then and I was maybe thirteen.

Kyle came to the funeral. When I saw him I fell apart. Ryan is coming in from Nashville where he is still pursuing a music career. I'll never forget telling Gregory when Ryan made it to Hollywood week on American Idol...he acted like a giddy fan, and told everyone "his cousin" was on AI. That was so awesome. But I know as soon as I see Ryan I will be having a come-apart. I don't want to, this is about Kyle and Kristen, but I don't know if I can be strong enough when I see my two babies, who are now young men.

And I dread the stream of people who will hopefully not ask me how I'm doing. I don't want to have to lie, but I can't tell them the truth either. My dad says I should just say "thanks for asking , but I don't want to talk about it." But I'm afraid I'll come off as a heartless bitch. Rude ! *sigh*

Then I have to repeat this all over again Saturday, but instead of 100 people at a rehearsal dinner, it'll be a 400 person wedding. Help me.

I think that people that are grieving should be put in quarantine for like 6 months, so that we don't have to go on like things are normal. Cause they will never be normal again.

I better go get ready.



Impact. That's what we discussed last night in grief counseling, or as I refer to it -"widow school."

The impact the death our loved one had on us. The impact of the illness, the dying, the finding out, the funeral,etc,etc. Everyone has a different impact, even though so many of our circumstances are the same.

I have impacts from it everyday. I call them aftershocks. Yesterday, I opened a drawer in the kitchen and the knob came off in my hand. I've been asking G to fix that damn knob for 6 months. That little aftershock produced a wave of grief that sent me to the kitchen floor for a good 20 minutes. Then I got up and went to work.

At work, someone told me I was strong and that I was a rock at Gregory's funeral. I guess I was. I wasn't medicated, I wasn't anything. I think I was just in shock. I'm a rock alright, when you can see me. When you can't I'm like a big blubbering grief sponge. As another blogger recently said about himself, I can grieve like a Ninja.

I think that's why I feel so odd at this group. Some people can't even talk without crying or just bursting into sobs. I'll admit I did tear up a bit last night, but so far I haven't cried or anything. And it's not that I can't....I do. I just do it with me. I'm scared of the day that I can't control it anymore.

But even though my aftershocks are often and devastating now, the lasting impact that Gregory had on my life will never go away...

*great memories

Thank you baby for every second we had,even through the bad, we came back to the good. Thank you for having an everlasting impact on my life. Thank you. I love you.



So, yesterday was Mother's Day. I went to the lake to see my parents, and we enjoyed some fried catfish, hush puppies and all of the fixin's. Nom Nom Nom. Then we played cards for awhile, and the sun broke out so I decided to go for a swim.

Unfortunately, I wasn't alone.

Eeeeek !! Usually we find them in the trap, but this little devil was just swimming around like no one's business.....and it's a salt water pool !!

Unfortunately, one snake's mom had an unhappy mother's day because he is no longer with us. I hate Gregory missed this because he would have been squealing like a little girl, and probably on my shoulders by that point....LOL.

See the shadow of the person standing on the diving board? Guess who?!

Looks like a snakey summer in Alabama.


Happy Mother's Day

Happy mother's day to all of you moms of every kind out there. Thus far I haven't heard from my stepson, but that's not a shocker as his mom is probably too busy flying around on her broom.

Anyhoo, these three women were and are very important in my life. Even though two of them are no longer here, I still miss them dearly.

The woman below is my mom, Betty. The first picture was taken in New Orleans in March of 2008. Note her affinity for Elvis. She did not pass this trait on to me. Thank you, thank you very much.

This picture was taken sometime in the mid 1980's. Notice anything?? The woman DOESN'T AGE. I do hope I picked up this gene.

This is my maternal grandmother Pauline. She worked two jobs, raised three kids of her own to include three more, my cousins after my aunt took off, and supported a husband who also worked at the cotton mill all day and was a police officer at night. She was the one who taught me the most important driving gesture in history, the finger. Thanks Polly.

This is Mary Louise Gredell Trimble, my Granny. She was raised in total privilege but was one of the nicest, giving and sincere people I ever met. She loved my Papaw with all of her heart, and still had plenty left over for me. She was a beautiful person inside and out, and most of my favorite memories of growing up include her and the house at 303 North Main Street.

Thanks to all of you for helping shape the person I am and am still becoming everyday. I thank you for the strength that you have passed on to me to weather these never-ending storms that seem to be battering me right now.

Granny and Polly, take care of my Gregory. I'm sure he has charmed you two ladies already. Happy Mother's day, and I love you.


Decoration (AKA Hell Saturday)

Today was "decoration" at the cemetery where 25% of my husband is buried. Apparently, it is an old tradition that requires family members to take flowers out to the grave, and then you make a donation to the groundskeepers fund, and eat, etc,etc. I don't recall doing this when I was younger, but then again, I've never been a big fan of the marble orchard.

I went because I am "the widow" and it's the proper thing to do, and because there was no one else available to take my mother-in-law, even though their family is about 10x the size of mine. (bites tongue)

I awoke at the proper time, got ready, and headed to the florist that we have used for years to pick up my flowers. I had taken a picture of the urn thingy there, had told them specifically what I wanted and had even picked out the flowers and greenery. It was nice latex and almost real looking stuff, none of that plastic dollar store crap for my Gregory. So I get there, amass the rush of Mother's Day flowers and deliveries, and the owner says "Hi Kim, how are you? What can I help you with?"

Then she gets a look on her face like she just ate a rotten lemon. "OH MY GOD IS THAT TODAY???"

Well !#^@%#^&#*. This is a GLOOOOOORIOUS start to my Saturday. She apologizes profusely and tries to give me some cheapy looking rainbow colored urn arrangement, and I managed to keep my cool and say "no thank you" and left.

I then spent the next hour stopping at every florist, Hobbby Lobby, flowery type place I could find. I finally found something that would just "have to do" at a Home Accents store. Oh I was ill as a hornet, as I am sure you can imagine. Which in turn initiated a skull splitting headache and my gastrointestinal system to turn against me. Multiple bathroom stops, three advils and lots of cursing finally got me to my MIL's much later than anticipated.

Oh and did I tell you it was a FRIGGING MONSOON?

By the time we got out to there the rain had slacked up, thank god because I had to put flowers my MIL got on every relative I think has ever existed, some I never heard of. We stayed out there for a few until it started raining again, and I took her home, said I had to get, and headed out.

I decided to run through town and stop at a little store that I have been wanting to go to, so I did, and then I tried to take a different way back to the interstate. This town has four exits that lead to downtown, surely I could meander my way out?

Oh no, I got LOST !! Yes, with a GPS in my car , and one on my phone, I was driving around Cullman County aimlessly. I knew when I saw cows I had problems. You would think at this point I would have lost it. Amazingly enough, I was remarkably calm. Calm in that talking to yourself in a high pitched voice and white-knuckling the steering wheel, but calm none the less. My stomach and head were even cooperating and had politely excused themselves from the situation. I managed to finally luck myself back to the interstate where I headed southbound, fast.

About 20 miles down the road, I had to tinkle. So I stopped, did that, and decided I would get gas. And along the road I went.

When I got back to Bham I decided I needed a cocktail so I stopped to grab a bite to eat and a drink, and then I realized that I didn't have MY CHECK CARD. @#$#^!*!* And I knew right where it was. Sitting on the top of the gas pump, along with the Coke Zero I bought. So I spent twenty minutes on the phone with Wachovia, who are sending me another card forthwith, and I used my other check card. Thank god I have two accounts with two different cards or I would have up the proverbial creek without a paddle. All of this because I left my purse at home and just took my little wallet thingy that only holds a few cards and my id. Everything else, at home. Grrrr. Luckily no one used my card and it is now inactive.

So I then "hit the road again" and decided I would run by the store to pick up a few groceries. And WINE. Which I plan to be enjoying as soon as I finish this post.

I then came home, got the jeep and the boys and went to the nursery to get daylilies to plant around the base of Gregory's tree. Nothing like digging in the dirt to ease one's frustrations. They look very nice and that made me happy and kind of made up for the Saturday from hell.

I hope your Saturday was better, and hope everyone enjoy's Mothers Day.....and just so you know, I'm going to the nice flower place next week and start making my own arrangement for Gregory for summer. I guess if you want something done, you really do have to do it yourself.

The orange ones are the ones that I grabbed in a rush.......they don't look too terribly bad, but still.....and the ones on the left are from my MIL.


Friday night scratch & sniff....

Today was pretty good, as Fridays go. (7 weeks today Friday though, that kinda sucks).

I managed to spend five hours of quiet solitude in and by the pool, read several trashy gossip mags and started on a terrific book. My brain kept wanting to think about "IT" but I managed to succesfully lull it back to the reading at hand, most of the day.

I then went to the grocery store and "made groceries" as we used to say back home.

Then the boys and I got ready for our big night out. They were bathed, happy, and had "done their bidness" here at home....I even made sure Beaux didn't drink or eat anything for a bit as he is prone to carsickness AKA hurling on my shoulder.

We got there and I have not seen Murphy in months and boy did he go nutso !! When I was THE POLICE (ick) I would go by his house everyday and see him and the Johnsons and became pretty close with all three. Mrs. Johnson tells me that after I left the PD, every time a police car would go by and it didn't stop, Murph was heartbroken. I would visit occasionally and Teddy spent a few afternoons there just hanging with Murphy, and when we got Beaux, that was our first stop on the way home ! We exchange pics and stuff, but this was the first time all three boys have been together for a "night out" so to speak.

That's Murphy on the left, and Beaux on the right. Murphy is 4, Beaux is 8.5 months. And 73.4 pounds as of yesterdays vet visit.

Of course, five minutes after getting there they BOTH POOPED in the yard!! Way to go boys, show some family pride. *sigh*

Here's Ted giving Murphy a little love, just before rolling in a giant mud puddle he discovered in a corner. I could tell by all the "no's" and "stops" that obedience training really paid off....

We had a great dinner of homemade lasagna, wonderful salad and cake, a few glasses of wine and coffee. We watched the boys play and assert who was boss, etc,etc. Teddy even took his customary spot on Miss Karen's lap for a little "love time."

Then we exchanged gifts for the pups. Oh my. Now I know what it must be like to have a kid who gets a drum set. See below.

But otherwise it was a great time, the boys hung out like old friends and it was awesome to spend some time with people who not only love and care about you, but care about the furry friends you call family.

So thank you Murphy, Keith and Karen. I am thankful to have wonderful people like you in my life to help me along this new path. We love yall.


Thursday. Meh.

So today my first appointment,(and early waker-upper)was my attorney's office,to sign the Probate paperwork. Again. I am tired of real life smacking me in the face in B&W,but I signed it anyway. Business is business, as G would say.

Then I journeyed along to the Shelby Cancer Center where I met my parents and his doctor. I am sure she is a lovely lady in person but even when she is telling you that the cancer has gotten smaller and has given him "more steps on the ladder" (actual quote)the prognosis is still "not so good" , and "basically terminal"'s like Really, Bitch?? This is my daddy you're talking about. He will never die.

Well, she basically crapped on my ideals. Thanks Doc. I "preciate it. You have just reinforced my new thought that life sucks to the umpteenth....and I love my mom and all but sometimes I think she is on crack, because right there, in front of the doctor, and me, and my daddy,she sez.." My daughter just lost her husband, she can't lose her daddy too."


Well damn , it's all my fault again. Someone can't die because my husband just died and I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE. No one can sneeze, or cough, fart, or have an issue, cause IT MIGHT SEND KIM OVER THE EDGE !!!!

I know she didn't mean it. I know she is grappling with her own thoughts, feelings, and doubts. She has her own pain, and I am saddling her and my Daddy with mine. They have been married for 43 years FGS, that is a LIFETIME for me, and some of yall too.

And I KNOW she doesn't want to join the club. It's not one anyone wants to be in.

I damn sure fought it tooth and nail.

But don't exile me, or broadcast me, or pity me cause I'm in it. I don't wanna be here, I don't want my daddy here, nor my mom, and I damn sure didn't want Gregory here, but I have to own it. I OWN IT. I am the one who should tell it. When I'm ready.

Don't tell anyone unless I tell you. Don't tell doctors I have never met before that my husband died and my daddy can't. Don't tell waitresses, nurses, anyone.

Don't be my brother, and run into my EX, and tell him that my husband died. Or don't run into him at all, but TEXT MESSAGE him instead.It's not his business. (ALAN- your ass is next, I promise you.) Whether it was text message or not. It wa sput outh there, so it is what it is.

This is MY venue. If I want you to know, I put it here. If I don't,I don't tell you.
This is a really easy URL to remember. But to be honest, my family doesn't know. And I have my reasons. Maybe one day they will. And maybe I am fooling myself and saying they don't now. But in the meantime, this has to be mine.

And yes, if I want to spill it out on the internet for the world and strangers and friends and new blog friends and Twitterati and Facebookers and Bloggers to see, that is my choice. My business. Me owning my grief.

I have to OWN my grief. My emotions. My responses.

It's all I got left.

Can it be mine, please?


Cinco de Groupo....

Yesterday I went to my "surviving spouses" group. I'll admit , I was apprehensive at first. Even nervous. I actually still am.

It was OK. I can't say good, because really, no one wanted to be there. But it wasn't bad either. I guess it just was.

We ate , then did the circle sit and had to tell a bit about ourselves and what brought us there. I did ok, didn't collapse into a wailing heap. Thank God. Some people did, and one person couldn't even talk. Ouch.

One of the things they suggested we do is "journaling", where we write down our feelings and thoughts,etc,etc. Well, I think I'll say I jumped right to the head of the class right there. Cause basically, this is just a electronic form.

And it does help. Alot.

Not sure if I told them that.

Oh, I was the youngest one there. Yes, uncomfy much? No Twitterers, Facebookers or Bloggers. One person said they had NEVER BEEN ON THE INTERNET. Eeeek!

So I will go back next week and see if it "fits" better. We shall see. I'm still more comfy with my one-on-one person that I see (hi!!), but I'll do both and see where it takes me.

The last time I sat around in a circle and talked about myself, the other half of me was sitting next to me holding my hand.

I missed that last night. I guess I always will.


Bring on the rain......

I work today from 9-5.

Then I go to my "group" til 7:30.

I am not sure I'm ready to be a part of a group I really want nothing
to do with. It's club I never wanted to join.

And the fact that the weather is supposed to be all rainy and crappy all week reinforces my "I don' wanna"" philosophy.

And despite what Jodi says....I am afraid. Bad afraid.

Bring on the rain baby.

We'll drown together.

I love you G.


The driveway....

So, last night around 1109 pm, I left the safety of my recliner, MacBook and huge TV to take Beaux out to "do his bidness."

While standing in our driveway, I looked up to the sky.

I saw stars, blinking and flashing. Beneath the stars, the low clouds from the day's earlier storms were moving by at a meandering pace.

And WHAM !!!!! There it was, my new BFF. Grief.

I hit the concrete, and tried to stifle my wail enough so that the neighbor's wouldn't think the tornado sirens were going off again.

And I lost my mind.

And while I was there, curled up on the cool concrete, Beaux came and sat next to me. Then he laid down beside me and put his head on my arm.I held him and cried and wailed and hurt and squoze him til I knew it hurt but he kept letting me squeeze him anyway. He's a Mann like that.

I asked one particular shiny star after the cloud cleared "Is that you Baby?" and I swear it shone brighter. I knew then I was officially check crazy and hugged Beaux tighter. He just put his paw on my neck and hugged me back.

God I love this dog. Greg loves this dog. Maybe he is my guardian through this journey.

I hope so, cause I need all the help I can get.

Thanks Bo-Bo. We love u.


Sunday isn't a fun day anymore...

Sundays are tough for me now.

Sunday was always "our day". Think I've mentioned that before.

When I lived in Poplarville, if we weren't spending the day together, we were on the phone. We listened to a local radio show here called Reg's Coffee House. I would listen online, and he would listen to it on the radio. I would get the playlist, download the songs we liked, and burn him a cd once a month or so. I think I made eight in all.

When we were finally together, we would listen to it at the lake, in the pool or on the boat, or sitting on our back porch here at home having our traditional Sunday bottle of champagne. And I bought G an iPod shuffle so he could take some of the music to the gym or traveling. I have all of the CD's, and the shuffle, but I can't listen to that music anymore. I tried, but it just isn't gonna happen.

I am drinking champagne on Sunday though. I bought a new glass, just for me, and usually on Sunday evenings I sit on the back porch, drop some strawberries and blackberrys in my glass and sit out there and watch the boys play.

(If you are new- the boys aren't chirren - they're my dogs!)

Our two glasses still sit in their normal spot at our bar.....I just can't drink out of mine. It doesn't quite feel right.

Actually , nothing feels right anymore.

I miss him so much. Sundays used to be so happy. Now I don't even like to think about it. I never understood what the term "month of Sundays" meant.

I wish I had several "months of Sundays" with Gregory again.

I miss you baby. I love you.

I'm gonna go have our champagne and a good cry now.



I was in Publix a few hours ago just to pick up some basics and I decided to head down the "personal care" aisle. If anyone needs "personal care" right now, it would damn sure be me.

I was perusing the soap and smell-good section and I saw him.

Mr. Bubble.

When I was a kid, my Granny would draw my bath in her big old-fashioned style tub in Poplarville and add Mr. Bubble that she had gotten at Sunflower or Pearl River Drug.

She would hold her hand over the water stream to make it bubble up the water so I would have decent bubbles. I remember the smell, the tub and her telling me how long I could stay in before dinner was ready. I would always add extra Mr Bubble when she left the room.

I loved using her soap, Yardley's English Lavender, and thought I was quite the princess when she got me one of those blow-up tub pillows to cradle my little head in.

I would sing and talk to myself (I'll talk to a fence post if you haven't figured that out yet) and say "just five more minutes!!" when she knocked on the door and said my time was up.

I have always loved my bath time.

So fast forward to when I moved to Alabama. I missed my old home in Pville and my bath time, but when I got here Greg had put in a garden tub, for me!! **SQUUUEEE** Bubble baths every day?? I must be in Heaven!!

I do so enjoy my bath time, but what I miss now is G coming in to sit and talk to me and washing my back and just hanging out.

I hope there's bubble bath up there where the Mr Bubble flows like gravy.

I know someones waiting to wash my back.


Friday fun at the Mann house

We know how to partaaaaayyy at my house.

Feast your eyes upon the festivities below, and tell me,
are we crazy or what?

(BTW - I was drinking a Heineken during the filming of this massive feat! Wild huh??)

Next week we're goin' for the record !!!!


I need a life.