Hi.
I got nothin'. Bupkus.
I've been "in a mood" all day. I just want to hide out in my media room (which is conveniently in our basement) and surf, play Wii and watch TV.
I worked all day, I'm tired and grouchy.
But this did make me smile today. Hope it does the same for you.
I can TOTALLY see Beaux pulling off this stunt.
My mother will have a hissy if he does...DRAIN THE POOL !! DOG GERMS !!
Thursday
Wednesday
Me-mes....
Alot of people that have recently met me and started reading my blog can only define me as "Kim whose husband Gregory died."
Even though that is unfortunately a HUGE part of who I am now, there's a lot of other things about me that make me who I am as a person. Many of them I like, many of them I don't. But all in all, it's all me.
So here's kind of a bullet list of things about Kim.....
* I was born in Mississippi but grew up in Singapore, because my dad was in oil.
* My dad also grew up overseas. In Liberia. He had monkeys, elephants and such for pets. What a life.
* I was born two days after Camille, lived through a tornado tearing my parent's house apart in 2004, made it through Katrina, was in a boat that was struck by lightning and have survived a monsoon or two. If the weather gets bad you may want to get away from me. Far, far away.
* When I was 3 I fell off the roof of our house and almost "PUT MY EYE OUT."
* I loved Singapore and am so thrilled to be reconnecting with friends from there thru the interwebz. Yay interwebz!
*Upon moving back from S'pore I lived in Poplarville, MS until 2005. I miss my friends but again, the miracle of the interwebz is bringing us together !
* My mom is deathly afraid of animals but has always let me have a dog. Thanks Mom.
* When I was 13 I walked through a sliding glass door and had 182 stitches in my legs and face. Oh and plastic surgery.
* I have trekked in Nepal, camped in the Australian outback and walked along the Great Wall of China.
* I have also been to about every country I can think of.
* But I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
* My dad played pro football for the 49ers for a few years.
* I have always struggled with weight - up/down/up/down. But I'm ok with that now.
* I have an older brother whom I adore - Hi Alya !!
* I used to be a cop. Near the end, I HATED IT. I wasn't actually thrilled with the circumstances of my leaving law enforcement but it was the best thing that happened to be professionally.
* I am now a computer nerd and I LOVE IT. I LOVE going to work. Except when I'm in a funk, and getting there usually alleviates that.
* I am obsessed with the weather. I wish I was a meteorologist.
* I miss my grandparents now more than ever. I wish my Papaw was here to guide me.
* Speaking of my Papaw, he didn't speak english until he was 12. Only french..and my dad was born in NOLA...so technically I'm a cajun girl.
* I have no musical talent whatsoever. I can't draw, I can't sing, I can't dance. Somewhere in the gene pool I lost out.
* I love t-shirts. Any cool restaurant, bar, visiting place, if you've got a cool t-shirt, it will be mine.
* At Mardi Gras and parades in general, my friends used to call me the bead whore. I never flashed for any, but I was good at getting them !
* I love jello shots.
* I am having a hard time watching my Daddy fight cancer but I can't stand to not be around him.
* I am mad at God and the world in general, but especially me, for taking my Husband away.
* I am trying very hard to deal with the thing above. Not so easy.
There's alot more that I am sure I will add, but I'll leave that for another post.
Happy Wednesday everyone.
Oh and one more thing.
* I love my husband.
Even though that is unfortunately a HUGE part of who I am now, there's a lot of other things about me that make me who I am as a person. Many of them I like, many of them I don't. But all in all, it's all me.
So here's kind of a bullet list of things about Kim.....
* I was born in Mississippi but grew up in Singapore, because my dad was in oil.
* My dad also grew up overseas. In Liberia. He had monkeys, elephants and such for pets. What a life.
* I was born two days after Camille, lived through a tornado tearing my parent's house apart in 2004, made it through Katrina, was in a boat that was struck by lightning and have survived a monsoon or two. If the weather gets bad you may want to get away from me. Far, far away.
* When I was 3 I fell off the roof of our house and almost "PUT MY EYE OUT."
* I loved Singapore and am so thrilled to be reconnecting with friends from there thru the interwebz. Yay interwebz!
*Upon moving back from S'pore I lived in Poplarville, MS until 2005. I miss my friends but again, the miracle of the interwebz is bringing us together !
* My mom is deathly afraid of animals but has always let me have a dog. Thanks Mom.
* When I was 13 I walked through a sliding glass door and had 182 stitches in my legs and face. Oh and plastic surgery.
* I have trekked in Nepal, camped in the Australian outback and walked along the Great Wall of China.
* I have also been to about every country I can think of.
* But I've never been to the Grand Canyon.
* My dad played pro football for the 49ers for a few years.
* I have always struggled with weight - up/down/up/down. But I'm ok with that now.
* I have an older brother whom I adore - Hi Alya !!
* I used to be a cop. Near the end, I HATED IT. I wasn't actually thrilled with the circumstances of my leaving law enforcement but it was the best thing that happened to be professionally.
* I am now a computer nerd and I LOVE IT. I LOVE going to work. Except when I'm in a funk, and getting there usually alleviates that.
* I am obsessed with the weather. I wish I was a meteorologist.
* I miss my grandparents now more than ever. I wish my Papaw was here to guide me.
* Speaking of my Papaw, he didn't speak english until he was 12. Only french..and my dad was born in NOLA...so technically I'm a cajun girl.
* I have no musical talent whatsoever. I can't draw, I can't sing, I can't dance. Somewhere in the gene pool I lost out.
* I love t-shirts. Any cool restaurant, bar, visiting place, if you've got a cool t-shirt, it will be mine.
* At Mardi Gras and parades in general, my friends used to call me the bead whore. I never flashed for any, but I was good at getting them !
* I love jello shots.
* I am having a hard time watching my Daddy fight cancer but I can't stand to not be around him.
* I am mad at God and the world in general, but especially me, for taking my Husband away.
* I am trying very hard to deal with the thing above. Not so easy.
There's alot more that I am sure I will add, but I'll leave that for another post.
Happy Wednesday everyone.
Oh and one more thing.
* I love my husband.
Tuesday
Strength
Many people have been telling me lately that I have "strength."
Not really.
It's more of a facade fueled by sunshine. I can be strong in the light.
I was very strong in the daylight today. And every day. I laughed, I smiled, I acted like the strong person everyone thinks I am.
But sometimes the darkness creeps in on even the brightest of days.
It's happening more frequently.
And I don't have the strength to stop it.
Today, I actually turned the radio on.
Lately I haven't been listening. Maybe to Rick and Bubba once in awhile. Otherwise, I'm in the rental car with no satellite. So I can't cushion myself with news and weather and mindless chit-chat like I can in the Dog/Nerd mobile with Satellite.
I actually may hear a song or two. There is one I listen to a million times a day that I may share with yall. Someday. But right now it's my song. Healing. That's how I roll.
I think I accidentally left the radio on a country station that replays R&B (RicknBubba)in the afternoon. But when they aren't on ....music.
Ooops.
And today I heard this.
My life has turned into a music video. One that I have been torturing myself with all day. And half a night.
One that I don't want to be in.
But I punish myself with it.
Because even though yall Twitter, you FaceBook, you e-mail, you are here for me.... I am still alone. But I appreciate you more than I can express. Because even though you are here, you're not here.
But you're with me either way. And I thank each and every one of you for that.
I am going through a hell I never knew existed.
I still miss my best friend , my buddy, my soul mate, and the greatest person in my life. I will never " get over it."
There are nights when I can listen to "happy songs" and my heart smiles knowing it is a little bit about us.
But right now, the "not-so-damm-happy" songs are winning.
I need to jerk the damm radio out of my car.
Not really.
It's more of a facade fueled by sunshine. I can be strong in the light.
I was very strong in the daylight today. And every day. I laughed, I smiled, I acted like the strong person everyone thinks I am.
But sometimes the darkness creeps in on even the brightest of days.
It's happening more frequently.
And I don't have the strength to stop it.
Today, I actually turned the radio on.
Lately I haven't been listening. Maybe to Rick and Bubba once in awhile. Otherwise, I'm in the rental car with no satellite. So I can't cushion myself with news and weather and mindless chit-chat like I can in the Dog/Nerd mobile with Satellite.
I actually may hear a song or two. There is one I listen to a million times a day that I may share with yall. Someday. But right now it's my song. Healing. That's how I roll.
I think I accidentally left the radio on a country station that replays R&B (RicknBubba)in the afternoon. But when they aren't on ....music.
Ooops.
And today I heard this.
My life has turned into a music video. One that I have been torturing myself with all day. And half a night.
One that I don't want to be in.
But I punish myself with it.
Because even though yall Twitter, you FaceBook, you e-mail, you are here for me.... I am still alone. But I appreciate you more than I can express. Because even though you are here, you're not here.
But you're with me either way. And I thank each and every one of you for that.
I am going through a hell I never knew existed.
I still miss my best friend , my buddy, my soul mate, and the greatest person in my life. I will never " get over it."
There are nights when I can listen to "happy songs" and my heart smiles knowing it is a little bit about us.
But right now, the "not-so-damm-happy" songs are winning.
I need to jerk the damm radio out of my car.
Sunday
The Luckiest
After Gregory and I eloped and got all married up at the Shelby County Courthouse.....( months before "The Wedding that turned into an after-party")...when we got back in the car at the courthouse, DavidJ was just finishing up "Crash" ...and we listened to this song and just talked about " WOW - WE JUST DID IT BABY!!!" and we giggled like kids and said how we were so lucky.....it was like pure love was just oozing around the car...
(I would make this video with a pic of G instead of Ben Folds....but I don't know how yet. All I know is that this is one of our Sunday Songs......for many years....it made us cry then while we held hands. I still cry now. Just by myself.)
Thank you G, you made me the luckiest. And it was the best time of my life.
I miss us. I love you.
It's our Sunday babes. And I'm gonna go spend it at our favorite place.
Thank you for being in my life.
I hope you're with me in the next one.
(I would make this video with a pic of G instead of Ben Folds....but I don't know how yet. All I know is that this is one of our Sunday Songs......for many years....it made us cry then while we held hands. I still cry now. Just by myself.)
Thank you G, you made me the luckiest. And it was the best time of my life.
I miss us. I love you.
It's our Sunday babes. And I'm gonna go spend it at our favorite place.
Thank you for being in my life.
I hope you're with me in the next one.
Saturday
Smile
Today was a regular day.
Work was work, and other than stopping by Costco and Stix for takeout I didn't really have anything going on.
So far it's been a good day, now on comes the night.
When I got home, the two perro locos (crazy dogs) were eagerly awaiting my arrival and proceeded to greet me in a manner befitting the princess that Gregory told me I am many times over. ;)
I unloaded everything and then sat down for a few minutes to see if I could catch the Yankees game.
My boys decided to play.
I took these pics with my iPhone.
They look like they're smiling.
It made me smile.
I hope it makes you smile too.
Work was work, and other than stopping by Costco and Stix for takeout I didn't really have anything going on.
So far it's been a good day, now on comes the night.
When I got home, the two perro locos (crazy dogs) were eagerly awaiting my arrival and proceeded to greet me in a manner befitting the princess that Gregory told me I am many times over. ;)
I unloaded everything and then sat down for a few minutes to see if I could catch the Yankees game.
My boys decided to play.
I took these pics with my iPhone.
They look like they're smiling.
It made me smile.
I hope it makes you smile too.
Friday
Five
It's been 5 weeks today. Well, at 1109 pm tonight.
5 weeks without my bestest buddy, my baby, my nemesis, my match, and my best friend ever.......wow.
5 weeks of a hell I never knew existed.
Despite that fact, today has been a fairly ok day.
I had a great counseling session, and I left feeling better.
Then I decided to do 5 things for me.
* I got a mani/pedi.
* I bought myself a cute new pair of flip-flops.
* I indulged in a Smoothie King smoothie.
* I rode around on the John Deere with Sam Adam's cousin(s), Mr. Summer Ale....whilst el loco puppy-o's circled around !!
* Then I took myself to Fox Valley where my friend is a bartender and treated myself to steak and crab cake and a nice salad. Oh and a few martinis and one irish coffee.
(P.S.) With strawberry shortcake to go....nom nom nom)
*** And while riding home...I heard The Allman Brothers "Blue Sky"....which is one of G's favorite songs.....and I actually listened to it, and smiled!!
It was a blue sky kinda day in Central Alabama today.....
If you've never heard it....here's a snippet of the chorus....
You're my blue sky,
you're my sunny day.
Lord, you know it makes me high
when you turn your love my way,
Turn your love my way, yeah.
Then I had to have a guilty moment - with a bit of a meltdown.
But that's ok. That's part of ME now.
Now I am home, re-bathed and in Greg's jammies which are way too big but feel good anyway...and I am getting ready to go pile up in our bed and just chill.
So generally I had a "ME" day. Not to mean that I didn't think about G every second. I kept looking for him in the chair next to me at mani/pedi. I had to do all of the yardwork, instead of sharing, and it was weird to shop for flip-flops and only buy one pair.....
....but it is what it is....
I have to do the Apple thing all day Saturday (YAY!!), then I am off Sunday and Monday. Since all of my yard work and most of my chores are done, I am not sure what to do with myself.
I will either lay by the pool......or.....
...do something involving a perfectly good airplane and a parachute. *ahem* Always wanted to, but if I've learned nothing else, WHAT THE HELL?!
So we shall see.
Stay tuned.......and have a good weekend.
I'm going to try and go to sleep before the monster comes.
P.S. Hug your buddy.
P.P.S. I love you baby !!!!
5 weeks without my bestest buddy, my baby, my nemesis, my match, and my best friend ever.......wow.
5 weeks of a hell I never knew existed.
Despite that fact, today has been a fairly ok day.
I had a great counseling session, and I left feeling better.
Then I decided to do 5 things for me.
* I got a mani/pedi.
* I bought myself a cute new pair of flip-flops.
* I indulged in a Smoothie King smoothie.
* I rode around on the John Deere with Sam Adam's cousin(s), Mr. Summer Ale....whilst el loco puppy-o's circled around !!
* Then I took myself to Fox Valley where my friend is a bartender and treated myself to steak and crab cake and a nice salad. Oh and a few martinis and one irish coffee.
(P.S.) With strawberry shortcake to go....nom nom nom)
*** And while riding home...I heard The Allman Brothers "Blue Sky"....which is one of G's favorite songs.....and I actually listened to it, and smiled!!
It was a blue sky kinda day in Central Alabama today.....
If you've never heard it....here's a snippet of the chorus....
You're my blue sky,
you're my sunny day.
Lord, you know it makes me high
when you turn your love my way,
Turn your love my way, yeah.
Then I had to have a guilty moment - with a bit of a meltdown.
But that's ok. That's part of ME now.
Now I am home, re-bathed and in Greg's jammies which are way too big but feel good anyway...and I am getting ready to go pile up in our bed and just chill.
So generally I had a "ME" day. Not to mean that I didn't think about G every second. I kept looking for him in the chair next to me at mani/pedi. I had to do all of the yardwork, instead of sharing, and it was weird to shop for flip-flops and only buy one pair.....
....but it is what it is....
I have to do the Apple thing all day Saturday (YAY!!), then I am off Sunday and Monday. Since all of my yard work and most of my chores are done, I am not sure what to do with myself.
I will either lay by the pool......or.....
...do something involving a perfectly good airplane and a parachute. *ahem* Always wanted to, but if I've learned nothing else, WHAT THE HELL?!
So we shall see.
Stay tuned.......and have a good weekend.
I'm going to try and go to sleep before the monster comes.
P.S. Hug your buddy.
P.P.S. I love you baby !!!!
Wednesday
Chiseled in Stone..........
In the words of Vern Gosdin.....it's now "chiseled in stone."
They set up the headstone today.
I was there. I made sure everything was to his liking.
Then I sat there for about an hour, worked on his flowers, and talked to him.
And I started thinking about this song. I haven't heard it since the 80's. Probably at some bar in Bogalusa.
But boy how it rings true.
Feel....
Many people have been asking me "how I feel" lately.
I know they mean well.
But really?
I feel EVERYTHING.
I am mad at myself. I am mad at Gregory for leaving me.
My guilt is overwhelming. I keep pushing it in the corner...and it keeps ooozing back out.
My "will" and "will not" list has pretty much gone down the toilet.
I am mad at God or whoever it is that everyone keeps telling me "has a plan."
Ya know what? The plan SUCKS.
Why did "the plan" have to come into our life??
Why us?
After all of the things we went through to be together and all the naysayers and b.s. we were finally headed down the right path. Or so I thought.
Oh I know.
It's not my fault. He was an adult. He made his own decisions. I stood by him no matter what. You were a good wife. (BTW - I WILL ALWAYS be Gregory's wife, that will NEVER change).
Blah blah freaking blah.
That does me no good in the middle of the night when I wake up screaming for him.
No good when I'm on my knees in the shower because I am crying so hard I can't breathe.
No good when I can't even keep food down, but the wine and beer stay in me.
No good when I have a come-apart at work, in the car, in a restaurant.
No good when I can't even look at myself in the mirror because I see a person who SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE to save her husband.
No good when the Grief Monster comes knock knock knockin' at my door.
No good at all.
So I'm not fine.
Not good.
Oh sure I smile and laugh and go to concerts and out with friends and to work and I tell people hi and hello and have a nice day.
I'm faking it pretty well.
But inside I'm rotten.
Half of my heart and soul is gone. Gone with him. Never to return.
I really don't give a damm about anything. Especially myself.
I'll never be the same. And I'm good and pissed about it.
But I don't want to be this way. I don't like this little emo person I am becoming.
She's not me. Of course "me" is not here anymore. I'm more of a shell of my former self.
It was always just "us." Now it's just "me."
Who am I gonna grow old with?
Who's gonna road trip with me??
Who's gonna take me out on the boat?
Who is gonna call me ten times a day, just to say "hi" and "I love you"?
Who's gonna sit next to me when we get our pedicures?
Who am I gonna have crazy mad arguments with, only to be holding you a minute later and we're telling each other sorry and how much we love each other?
Who's gonna hold me if my Daddy loses this battle with cancer???
Who's gonna call me Kimberly? Or baby? Or Kimbo?
What in the hell am I gonna do G?
Huh?
I know they mean well.
But really?
I feel EVERYTHING.
I am mad at myself. I am mad at Gregory for leaving me.
My guilt is overwhelming. I keep pushing it in the corner...and it keeps ooozing back out.
My "will" and "will not" list has pretty much gone down the toilet.
I am mad at God or whoever it is that everyone keeps telling me "has a plan."
Ya know what? The plan SUCKS.
Why did "the plan" have to come into our life??
Why us?
After all of the things we went through to be together and all the naysayers and b.s. we were finally headed down the right path. Or so I thought.
Oh I know.
It's not my fault. He was an adult. He made his own decisions. I stood by him no matter what. You were a good wife. (BTW - I WILL ALWAYS be Gregory's wife, that will NEVER change).
Blah blah freaking blah.
That does me no good in the middle of the night when I wake up screaming for him.
No good when I'm on my knees in the shower because I am crying so hard I can't breathe.
No good when I can't even keep food down, but the wine and beer stay in me.
No good when I have a come-apart at work, in the car, in a restaurant.
No good when I can't even look at myself in the mirror because I see a person who SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE to save her husband.
No good when the Grief Monster comes knock knock knockin' at my door.
No good at all.
So I'm not fine.
Not good.
Oh sure I smile and laugh and go to concerts and out with friends and to work and I tell people hi and hello and have a nice day.
I'm faking it pretty well.
But inside I'm rotten.
Half of my heart and soul is gone. Gone with him. Never to return.
I really don't give a damm about anything. Especially myself.
I'll never be the same. And I'm good and pissed about it.
But I don't want to be this way. I don't like this little emo person I am becoming.
She's not me. Of course "me" is not here anymore. I'm more of a shell of my former self.
It was always just "us." Now it's just "me."
Who am I gonna grow old with?
Who's gonna road trip with me??
Who's gonna take me out on the boat?
Who is gonna call me ten times a day, just to say "hi" and "I love you"?
Who's gonna sit next to me when we get our pedicures?
Who am I gonna have crazy mad arguments with, only to be holding you a minute later and we're telling each other sorry and how much we love each other?
Who's gonna hold me if my Daddy loses this battle with cancer???
Who's gonna call me Kimberly? Or baby? Or Kimbo?
What in the hell am I gonna do G?
Huh?
Tuesday
David J and 4/20......
So it's been a month. Yesterday.
Gregory died on 3/20. (DAMM - that took me HOURS to be able to actually type that)
Yesterday was 4/20. The day potheads across the world unite. I thought that was strange. But also cool in a way that I don't get.
20.
I used to like that number. It was Tony Stewart's number.
20 bucks.
20/20
20 is the end of being a "teen".
20something.
My birthday is August 20th. Doesn't that stink ? No birthday this year for me.
Soooooooo......on 4/20, I went to see David John Matthews. Live in Concert.
Many of you know him as Dave Matthews. I've been a fan so long (1993 - before they were "in"!!) and been to so many shows, I just call him David J. I'm special like that. I know. My mommy told me so. Ha.
And the only one who knows I call him David J besides me is G. It's never "DMB", or "Dave" or "Dave and Tim" ......I always say David J. But just to him. And maybe my brother, if I'm high on Corona's and Margaritas..ha. To everyone else it's "DMB" or "Dave". Gregory and I always had our own little language.
And now I can talk however I want. I'm the crazy old widow woman. That gives me carte blanche to say and do stupid stuff. If you don't like it I'll beat you with my cane. Try me and see.
So me, a little bit of Gregory and some friends went to see David J last night. His birthday is 10 years and two days after Gregory's. G had seen David J before, in Philly and once with me in Atlanta. Whoops, make that twice with me - once at Jazzfest in New Orleans....but don't tell anybody, we were playing hooky and hiding out ! Shhhh.
"Crash" is one of our FAVOrites....it was on a jukebox at this dive we used to hang out at in T-Town.....along with "Grace is Gone." So both of those mean alot. David J sang "Crash" , but no Grace is Gone. I don't think I could have handled the latter.
He says in that song..." I could never love again so much as I love you, where you end where I begin like a river running thru..." Wow.
He did sing "Grey Street" which really was a cool song before, but now it really really really means alot.
I think I live on Grey Street now.
(BTW - KOOKY FACTOR - we went to CRAPPLEBEE's preshow to meet up. A girl in the bathroom kept looking at me and Rachel, my stepdaughter ( who's 22!)....I'm thinking, I know her !! She says the same thing......she was one of Gregory's nurses in ICU.
Well. I can't freaking get away . ( BTW - Thank you Ana you were awesome!! I was just in a fog after you talked to us, didn't mean to weird you out!) )
So I was on the second row , surrounded by fellow fans and friends, and I swear I could feel him . Is that odd? I guess because David J is so personal to me, to us - that it just was emotional. Either that or I have serious heart issues. I held it together pretty well....I had to go for a walk once and just "clear the board" so to speak.
But I felt him. It was like he was standing next to me while I sang to the high heavens along with every song. I missed him looking at me in wonder asking me " How do you know all the words??"
I missed his arms around me.
I missed his beard rubbing on my cheek.
I missed his smell.
I missed him going to the bathroom every 5 seconds and spilling his drink on me and kissing me and playing with my hair and giving me a wet willie in the ear and dancing with me in the aisle like we did at the last concert we went to.
I just missed him.
And last night, while David J was singing to us, I realized that I miss EVERYTHING about him.
And it hit me like a ton of bricks.
But I held it in. Somehow, I kept singing, and watching David J.
His sister was murdered by her husband. He knows the pain of unexpected loss.
He is also agnostic, which I am finding myself more like that each day.
(here - I know you're gonna Google it - I saved you the trouble ...)
And he is different and quirky and talented and shy. And he sings songs that burn a hole in your soul and make you wonder and think and dream and maybe just for a few hours, they make you OK.
So thank you David J.
Last night you made me feel. I may have experienced a little tiny bit of joy.
My only regret is that Gregory D wasn't there to enjoy David J with me.
Or maybe he was.
I hope.
Monday
Pennies.....
I've been finding pennies all week.
Not that I've been actively looking. But there they are.
At work, at home, at the store. There was one lying under my mailbox the other day.
People find pennies all the time, no big deal.
But I don't recall the last time I found this many pennies. 11 cents worth as of today.
Gregory would find pennies and if they were heads up, he'd pick them up and give them to me. He didn't touch them if they were tails up. He even bought me a keychain with a penny in it on a road trip once.
All of the pennies I have found this week have been heads up.
Makes me wonder....
Not that I've been actively looking. But there they are.
At work, at home, at the store. There was one lying under my mailbox the other day.
People find pennies all the time, no big deal.
But I don't recall the last time I found this many pennies. 11 cents worth as of today.
Gregory would find pennies and if they were heads up, he'd pick them up and give them to me. He didn't touch them if they were tails up. He even bought me a keychain with a penny in it on a road trip once.
All of the pennies I have found this week have been heads up.
Makes me wonder....
Sunday
Dog Days....
See this beautiful puppy?
What an angel, you say. How sweet and precious.
Yes, puppies are precious. Then they grow up. And they TEETH. Like chirren !!
Many of you have probably seen this....
(pardon the horrible accent)
Beaux was about 10 or 11 weeks old then. Gregory had come home from work and found the house like that, and I was right behind him so he left it for me to discover. That's the day I learned not to leave magazines, shoes,clothes, or ANYTHING that wasn't bolted or nailed down laying around within reach.
Now mind you, Beaux is GREG'S dog. He called him his Cullman County dog, because he was born in the same town G was. He loooooovvveees that dog. Dog can do no wrong. G even tried to say that since Teddy was the "Older dog" he should have known better and probably just egged Beaux on ! WHAT?? But he loved his "Ted-a-rena you're a beaner" dog too. Or Ted Terrific as he called him often.
(Be mindful that this is the same man who had tears pouring from his face and couldn't even drive when we had to take Teddy from our vet to an all-night vet's for observation a few hours AFTER a succesful surgery last year.) But oh heck they're "just dogs." Uh-huh.
So I thought I'd bring you up to date on what Beaux has eaten thus far.....
Three remotes - 2 DirecTV / 1 Vizio
The couch
Several pieces of wood trim and paneling
A panel from the garage door
5 assorted shoes (never a pair, just one)
One garden hose
And many things I haven't found yet, I'm sure.
This is the look I get upon finding said damage....
Who, me?
Yea. You.
Now these dogs have EVERY cool dog toy imaginable. Kongs, Nylabones, Boodas, everything you can get. They have organic bully sticks and pig ears and on and on.
WHY ARE THEY EATING MY HOUSE??
Oh and as far as that spray stuff they sell to keep them from chewing stuff?
Waste of $$$. Tabasco doesn't work either. Nor cayenne.
Maybe I need an Exorcist.
Or maybe just a few Excedrin.
See yall Monday.
What an angel, you say. How sweet and precious.
Yes, puppies are precious. Then they grow up. And they TEETH. Like chirren !!
Many of you have probably seen this....
(pardon the horrible accent)
Beaux was about 10 or 11 weeks old then. Gregory had come home from work and found the house like that, and I was right behind him so he left it for me to discover. That's the day I learned not to leave magazines, shoes,clothes, or ANYTHING that wasn't bolted or nailed down laying around within reach.
Now mind you, Beaux is GREG'S dog. He called him his Cullman County dog, because he was born in the same town G was. He loooooovvveees that dog. Dog can do no wrong. G even tried to say that since Teddy was the "Older dog" he should have known better and probably just egged Beaux on ! WHAT?? But he loved his "Ted-a-rena you're a beaner" dog too. Or Ted Terrific as he called him often.
(Be mindful that this is the same man who had tears pouring from his face and couldn't even drive when we had to take Teddy from our vet to an all-night vet's for observation a few hours AFTER a succesful surgery last year.) But oh heck they're "just dogs." Uh-huh.
So I thought I'd bring you up to date on what Beaux has eaten thus far.....
Three remotes - 2 DirecTV / 1 Vizio
The couch
Several pieces of wood trim and paneling
A panel from the garage door
5 assorted shoes (never a pair, just one)
One garden hose
And many things I haven't found yet, I'm sure.
This is the look I get upon finding said damage....
Who, me?
Yea. You.
Now these dogs have EVERY cool dog toy imaginable. Kongs, Nylabones, Boodas, everything you can get. They have organic bully sticks and pig ears and on and on.
WHY ARE THEY EATING MY HOUSE??
Oh and as far as that spray stuff they sell to keep them from chewing stuff?
Waste of $$$. Tabasco doesn't work either. Nor cayenne.
Maybe I need an Exorcist.
Or maybe just a few Excedrin.
See yall Monday.
Friday
Jimmy Buffett and the Great Duct Tape Road Trip
Sooooo. I promised the Jimmy Buffett story.
And I shall deliver.
I figured I'd give everyone a lighthearted blog post today (and prolly tomorrow) so I don't drag all of you down in the funk with me.
Not that I'm not going to mention Gregory. OH I will - many times. He is still and will always be such a part of my life and my memories and my being that if I did not, I would be untrue not only to him, but to myself and who I really am. Still.
I wore the shirt he wore when we got married to the concert over my JB shirt from the last concert I went to. Apropo.
So, my friend Ross and I head out from Bham to the ATL to Lakeside Ampitheater on Thursday around 3pm CDT to go to the opening night of Jimmy's summer tour. Very routine trip, he and I talked, stayed on Twitter on our iPhones and just had a cool road trip, complete with Icees !! Yay for Icees!! We meant to leave at 2 so we could meet up with our friend Alison K, but we got a late start.
Amazingly, traffic was actually smooth and we went straight to Lakewood, parked and with the hour time gain, made it to the area by 6:30 pm EST. People were tailgating and having a good time and the energy in the air was pure Parrotthead.
Ross has never been to a JB concert....I think it was like my 13th? It's fun to watch the newness through they eyes of someone and explain what alot means. I mean Ross knows Jimmy Buffett, his parents listened to him and he knows many of the songs. But nothing compares to a live show.
The last JB concert I went to was with Gregory. In Atlanta. But it was at Phillip's Arena. I don't think I could have taken going to the same venue. Not yet. It was G's first JB concert too. He LOVED it. Couldn't believe I knew all the words, loved people watching, happily wore a lei and beads, tried to talk a guy out of his grass skirt and coconut bra , and still wears the tour hat I got him.
Many of JB's songs were our traveling companion while on the pontoon boat, in the pool, road tripping to the beach, or hanging out on our honeymoon on Marco Island.
He's been a constant in my life since I was 13 and went to my first concert. His music can make me laugh, cry, forget, remember, smile,....and every other emotion I can describe.
I felt G with me last night. Well, I had a little of him with me last night, but that's neither here nor there.
So we get to or awesomely awesome seats in the fourth row......
( I know I look fat !! Bad camera angle...yea!)
...and I was talking to a couple who sat next to us and they are JB veteran's as well. The guy has been to 54 shows! OMG? 54 ? I felt like a rookie. She asked me if Ross had been before and I said no, he was my friend who had to fill in for my husband.
Then she asked me. The question.
Why didn't your husband come?
Shit. Here we go.
So I told her.
The woman (whose name I can't remember because I was so stunned) took my hands, looked me straight in the eye and said " I'm a widow too. My husband died 14 months ago."
Oh.My.
We're everywhere.
She hugged me and told me that it was good that I was out and that I had to live and it would get better and blah blah blah and the guy with her was friends with her husband and he was helping her through etc etc etc, Then she acted surprised that it had only been 3 weeks 6 days and 21 hours. She said I was in the early stages and I was doing well to be out already.
So that made me feel worse.
But she did encourage me several times throughout the concert and sang with me and stuff so to my new unknown widow / Parrotthead friend thank you.
And thank you Ross for going and being my friend and helping me through an especially personal and emotional song by just being there. Sometimes just being there means more than any words.
So the concert was a smash and we got out of there quickly and headed back to The Ham. And we were HAWNGRY. So we did what any self-respecting southerner would do after a late night at a concert.
We stopped at Krystal.
Thought I was gonna say Waffle House didn't ya?? We thought about it.
So after Krystal drive-thru we were on our way . (Oh I forgot, during the concert MY PHONE QUIT WORKING!!!) I couldn't tweet or call!! THE AGONY! Then afterward it worked fine. Wierd.
So along our merry way we went.
Around Talladigger, (Talladega for you non-Alabamians) , cruising along innocently, WE HIT A PIECE OF RETREAD TIRE !!! ARRRGGHHH !! IN my rental car !! ^&%$*#(@*#&
We stopped and everything seemed to be fine......
And we got going again...around 60 mph, things WERE NOT fine. There was this weird "whump whump whump" noise that I thought was a tire. But the tires were fine. Thank god, cause neither one of us know how to change a tire !!! Oops.
So we stop at this all night squat and gobble and check it out. It's like the plastic underbody protector piece thingy. It's just whumping around in the breeze. As I'm looking at it, I notice something.
Tape !!!!
See???
(yes I know the pic is sideways I couldn't get it to rotate!)
So this is apparently not the first time this thing has fallen.
So we did what any self-respecting Southerner would do.
We bought duct tape !! And taped it back up !! HA !!
And we made it home safely.
Thanks Ross. Thanks Jimmy. And thanks Duct Tape.
And thank you G, for allowing me a little bit of sunshine in my own personal hurricane season.
I love all of you.
But especially you....
And I shall deliver.
I figured I'd give everyone a lighthearted blog post today (and prolly tomorrow) so I don't drag all of you down in the funk with me.
Not that I'm not going to mention Gregory. OH I will - many times. He is still and will always be such a part of my life and my memories and my being that if I did not, I would be untrue not only to him, but to myself and who I really am. Still.
I wore the shirt he wore when we got married to the concert over my JB shirt from the last concert I went to. Apropo.
So, my friend Ross and I head out from Bham to the ATL to Lakeside Ampitheater on Thursday around 3pm CDT to go to the opening night of Jimmy's summer tour. Very routine trip, he and I talked, stayed on Twitter on our iPhones and just had a cool road trip, complete with Icees !! Yay for Icees!! We meant to leave at 2 so we could meet up with our friend Alison K, but we got a late start.
Amazingly, traffic was actually smooth and we went straight to Lakewood, parked and with the hour time gain, made it to the area by 6:30 pm EST. People were tailgating and having a good time and the energy in the air was pure Parrotthead.
Ross has never been to a JB concert....I think it was like my 13th? It's fun to watch the newness through they eyes of someone and explain what alot means. I mean Ross knows Jimmy Buffett, his parents listened to him and he knows many of the songs. But nothing compares to a live show.
The last JB concert I went to was with Gregory. In Atlanta. But it was at Phillip's Arena. I don't think I could have taken going to the same venue. Not yet. It was G's first JB concert too. He LOVED it. Couldn't believe I knew all the words, loved people watching, happily wore a lei and beads, tried to talk a guy out of his grass skirt and coconut bra , and still wears the tour hat I got him.
Many of JB's songs were our traveling companion while on the pontoon boat, in the pool, road tripping to the beach, or hanging out on our honeymoon on Marco Island.
He's been a constant in my life since I was 13 and went to my first concert. His music can make me laugh, cry, forget, remember, smile,....and every other emotion I can describe.
I felt G with me last night. Well, I had a little of him with me last night, but that's neither here nor there.
So we get to or awesomely awesome seats in the fourth row......
( I know I look fat !! Bad camera angle...yea!)
...and I was talking to a couple who sat next to us and they are JB veteran's as well. The guy has been to 54 shows! OMG? 54 ? I felt like a rookie. She asked me if Ross had been before and I said no, he was my friend who had to fill in for my husband.
Then she asked me. The question.
Why didn't your husband come?
Shit. Here we go.
So I told her.
The woman (whose name I can't remember because I was so stunned) took my hands, looked me straight in the eye and said " I'm a widow too. My husband died 14 months ago."
Oh.My.
We're everywhere.
She hugged me and told me that it was good that I was out and that I had to live and it would get better and blah blah blah and the guy with her was friends with her husband and he was helping her through etc etc etc, Then she acted surprised that it had only been 3 weeks 6 days and 21 hours. She said I was in the early stages and I was doing well to be out already.
So that made me feel worse.
But she did encourage me several times throughout the concert and sang with me and stuff so to my new unknown widow / Parrotthead friend thank you.
And thank you Ross for going and being my friend and helping me through an especially personal and emotional song by just being there. Sometimes just being there means more than any words.
So the concert was a smash and we got out of there quickly and headed back to The Ham. And we were HAWNGRY. So we did what any self-respecting southerner would do after a late night at a concert.
We stopped at Krystal.
Thought I was gonna say Waffle House didn't ya?? We thought about it.
So after Krystal drive-thru we were on our way . (Oh I forgot, during the concert MY PHONE QUIT WORKING!!!) I couldn't tweet or call!! THE AGONY! Then afterward it worked fine. Wierd.
So along our merry way we went.
Around Talladigger, (Talladega for you non-Alabamians) , cruising along innocently, WE HIT A PIECE OF RETREAD TIRE !!! ARRRGGHHH !! IN my rental car !! ^&%$*#(@*#&
We stopped and everything seemed to be fine......
And we got going again...around 60 mph, things WERE NOT fine. There was this weird "whump whump whump" noise that I thought was a tire. But the tires were fine. Thank god, cause neither one of us know how to change a tire !!! Oops.
So we stop at this all night squat and gobble and check it out. It's like the plastic underbody protector piece thingy. It's just whumping around in the breeze. As I'm looking at it, I notice something.
Tape !!!!
See???
(yes I know the pic is sideways I couldn't get it to rotate!)
So this is apparently not the first time this thing has fallen.
So we did what any self-respecting Southerner would do.
We bought duct tape !! And taped it back up !! HA !!
And we made it home safely.
Thanks Ross. Thanks Jimmy. And thanks Duct Tape.
And thank you G, for allowing me a little bit of sunshine in my own personal hurricane season.
I love all of you.
But especially you....
TGIF.
TGIF.
It's been 4 weeks today since G died. At 1109 pm tonight. I get off work at 930pm. I plan to be hiding under the covers again soon thereafter.
4 weeks. It seems like a lifetime. This is the longest we've been apart in almost 6 years. And it's permanent.
It's draining me. I am slowly swirling around the bowl, so to speak.
And yes, I went to the JB concert last night.
See?
I had fun. But it was more forced fun, ya know? When I actually let myself go for a minute, the guilt creeped back in.
It's like my own personal little monkey-on-my-back. &*#^%
But I'll post more about Jimmy later. It was nice to have my "old friend" back in my life, if only for three hours. And thanks everlasting to my BFF Rossthe8oss for going with me!! You are a true friend.
There is an interesting story that accompanies the person I sat next to (not Ross). That will be for later. I'm still hashing the irony of that out.
Right now, I'm just glad this week is over. The tree, the car, my mood in general.
I hope I hope I hope next week looks a teeny bit better? Please?
I miss you baby. It's time to start being my "G"uardian angel.
It's been 4 weeks today since G died. At 1109 pm tonight. I get off work at 930pm. I plan to be hiding under the covers again soon thereafter.
4 weeks. It seems like a lifetime. This is the longest we've been apart in almost 6 years. And it's permanent.
It's draining me. I am slowly swirling around the bowl, so to speak.
And yes, I went to the JB concert last night.
See?
I had fun. But it was more forced fun, ya know? When I actually let myself go for a minute, the guilt creeped back in.
It's like my own personal little monkey-on-my-back. &*#^%
But I'll post more about Jimmy later. It was nice to have my "old friend" back in my life, if only for three hours. And thanks everlasting to my BFF Rossthe8oss for going with me!! You are a true friend.
There is an interesting story that accompanies the person I sat next to (not Ross). That will be for later. I'm still hashing the irony of that out.
Right now, I'm just glad this week is over. The tree, the car, my mood in general.
I hope I hope I hope next week looks a teeny bit better? Please?
I miss you baby. It's time to start being my "G"uardian angel.
Thursday
Calvin & Hobbes / Me & G
I love Calvin and Hobbes. It was/is my favorite comic strip EVAH !! The Far Side was a close second.
The way they are hugging. Like pure love? Bliss ? That's what we had. Even on our worst of days, it was always there.
Gregory had never heard of C & H. He was more of a Hagar the Horrible, Beetle Bailey person.
Christmas 2006, he asked me what I wanted for present time. I couldn't really think of anything I needed, but there were lots of things I wanted. Unbeknownst to me he had already bought me a wedding band to match my engagement ring ( we eloped - 10 days before Christmas!!) and a beautiful diamond cross necklace. I told him candles, bath stuff, trivial little things. Nothing that mattered.
And then I remembered that the Calvin and Hobbes collection was out. The ENTIRE history of C & H , in a boxed set. I had seen it at Costco and had to resist it's lure each time I walked by.
So I mentioned it.
Christmas morning, 2006. Totally shocked me with the diamond band and the necklace. Bath stuff, candles. A pink tool kit of my very own !! With a bag !! *squeee* The first three seasons of The Sopranos on DVD !!
And ......the C&H box set. He wrapped it himself. It was the last present he gave me.
It's so heavy. He got tape stuck on one of the spines. It's still there.
I began reading them immediately. I would leave it on the counter, the couch, wherever I had been, with a post-it note for a bookmark. I would giggle and smile and snort. I came home once from my POlice-job-from-hell (official title) and he was asleep in his chair with book two in his lap.
I asked him the next morning if he liked it. He said he did, but enjoyed me liking it more. So last night I pulled the books out and started going through them. Some made me laugh, many made me cry. But they all helped my heart.
God bless Bill Watterston. This is my favorite quote from C&H.....
"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.
May you all have sweet dreams tonight, and every night to follow.
You too baby. I love you. See you in my dreams.
The way they are hugging. Like pure love? Bliss ? That's what we had. Even on our worst of days, it was always there.
Gregory had never heard of C & H. He was more of a Hagar the Horrible, Beetle Bailey person.
Christmas 2006, he asked me what I wanted for present time. I couldn't really think of anything I needed, but there were lots of things I wanted. Unbeknownst to me he had already bought me a wedding band to match my engagement ring ( we eloped - 10 days before Christmas!!) and a beautiful diamond cross necklace. I told him candles, bath stuff, trivial little things. Nothing that mattered.
And then I remembered that the Calvin and Hobbes collection was out. The ENTIRE history of C & H , in a boxed set. I had seen it at Costco and had to resist it's lure each time I walked by.
So I mentioned it.
Christmas morning, 2006. Totally shocked me with the diamond band and the necklace. Bath stuff, candles. A pink tool kit of my very own !! With a bag !! *squeee* The first three seasons of The Sopranos on DVD !!
And ......the C&H box set. He wrapped it himself. It was the last present he gave me.
It's so heavy. He got tape stuck on one of the spines. It's still there.
I began reading them immediately. I would leave it on the counter, the couch, wherever I had been, with a post-it note for a bookmark. I would giggle and smile and snort. I came home once from my POlice-job-from-hell (official title) and he was asleep in his chair with book two in his lap.
I asked him the next morning if he liked it. He said he did, but enjoyed me liking it more. So last night I pulled the books out and started going through them. Some made me laugh, many made me cry. But they all helped my heart.
God bless Bill Watterston. This is my favorite quote from C&H.....
"I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.
May you all have sweet dreams tonight, and every night to follow.
You too baby. I love you. See you in my dreams.
Wednesday
I'm on a boat
I'm on a boat.
I watched that video last night just to see what all of the fuss was about and to see if it was mindless entertainment. Meh.
I don't get it.
I'm supposed to be on a boat. A ship, really.
My life is supposed to look like this right about now.
Instead, it more resembles this.
What's that Johnny Cash song ?? "Sea of Heartbreak" ? I feel ya man.
I am up , down, all around. ( Satellite = DMB) ha. It's like waves....one minute the sea is calm , the next I'm being overcome by a wave of grief and pain so bad I don't know if I'll be able to catch my breath when it's over. And I never see them coming. Sometimes I feel them. I say no no, go away, right now no good lah.
And they just keep on rollin' in. Sometimes they are tin. A little tear will escape. Sometimes they are so powerful I have to scream to let all of the anger , fear and just pure guilt and whatif-isms out.
It happened at work yesterday. Out of nowhere. I'm standing at the front door, suns shining, birds are singing. Thank god for sunglasses. Oh and it happened a few more times but I did fairly well hiding it.
I thought it would get better?? It's like I'm in the eye of a hurricane one second and on the back end the next. (For those of yall who don't know, the eye of a hurricane is calm and centered / the back is well, hell).
I finally started listening to music again. Mostly Jimmy Buffett. And I guess it's fitting since we're supposed to see him tomorrow night.
I think I found a perfect song.
And to quote another of my favorite songs....."this is the worst trip, I've ever been on."
I watched that video last night just to see what all of the fuss was about and to see if it was mindless entertainment. Meh.
I don't get it.
I'm supposed to be on a boat. A ship, really.
My life is supposed to look like this right about now.
Instead, it more resembles this.
What's that Johnny Cash song ?? "Sea of Heartbreak" ? I feel ya man.
I am up , down, all around. ( Satellite = DMB) ha. It's like waves....one minute the sea is calm , the next I'm being overcome by a wave of grief and pain so bad I don't know if I'll be able to catch my breath when it's over. And I never see them coming. Sometimes I feel them. I say no no, go away, right now no good lah.
And they just keep on rollin' in. Sometimes they are tin. A little tear will escape. Sometimes they are so powerful I have to scream to let all of the anger , fear and just pure guilt and whatif-isms out.
It happened at work yesterday. Out of nowhere. I'm standing at the front door, suns shining, birds are singing. Thank god for sunglasses. Oh and it happened a few more times but I did fairly well hiding it.
I thought it would get better?? It's like I'm in the eye of a hurricane one second and on the back end the next. (For those of yall who don't know, the eye of a hurricane is calm and centered / the back is well, hell).
I finally started listening to music again. Mostly Jimmy Buffett. And I guess it's fitting since we're supposed to see him tomorrow night.
I think I found a perfect song.
And to quote another of my favorite songs....."this is the worst trip, I've ever been on."
Tuesday
Tuesday
No post for me today.
Long day at work.
Emotional roller coaster today. I'm going to hide under the covers.
Be here tomorrow. If I'm not, prod me along 'k?
Thanks.
Goodnight.
Long day at work.
Emotional roller coaster today. I'm going to hide under the covers.
Be here tomorrow. If I'm not, prod me along 'k?
Thanks.
Goodnight.
Monday
He is Dead.....
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
-- W.H. Auden
Today STINKS !
Well. Today sucks. And it's only NOON!!
This morning, my neighbor called. At 7am. Never is it good when a phone rings that early.
This is a tree. That WAS in my yard.
See where it is now?
There's a Cadillac under there. Oh, and a Lexus ! Twofer !!!!
And if it had fallen the other way, it would have come straight into my bedroom and taken me out of my misery.
According to my homeowner's insurance, it's " an act of nature", and I am not responsible. My neighbors are. Oops. If the tree was dead and I knew it and it fell, then I would be super responsible. But it's quite obviously lush and rich. With a crappy root system.
So now I have to pay someone to come take the tree away. Insurance only covers that if it fell on an actual house, or was blocking MY driveway. Swell ! I'll soon be printing my own money.
And THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING !!
So I had to go to town to the post office to mail some stuff and register it and all that. Then I was actually going to go to the gym and to tan, just like the plan.
Then......
Oh yes. I don't even want to go into the details. Except THANKS YOU BONEHEADED #$#%#&#*
with no f-ing license or insurance !&^#^#$#%.
So I've been on the phone with Progressive and Tameron Honda Collision Repair and this one and that one and everyone except THE PERSON I want to talk to.
We are supposed to be "at sea" today. Day 2 of the cruise. I should be having a pina colada and listening to Jimmy Buffet and watching my husband enjoy his first cruise and rubbing sunscreen on his white Irish ass so he won't burn.
But nooooo, there's a f-ing tree on my neighbors cars, a dented up Honda in my garage and the weather is supposed to suck this afternoon and I have to go to WORK.
Maybe I'll get struck by lightning.
And I didn't go to the gym, the tanning bed, walk the dogs or ride my bike.
I came home, pitched a fit, and got back in bed.
I may not get back out.
This morning, my neighbor called. At 7am. Never is it good when a phone rings that early.
This is a tree. That WAS in my yard.
See where it is now?
There's a Cadillac under there. Oh, and a Lexus ! Twofer !!!!
And if it had fallen the other way, it would have come straight into my bedroom and taken me out of my misery.
According to my homeowner's insurance, it's " an act of nature", and I am not responsible. My neighbors are. Oops. If the tree was dead and I knew it and it fell, then I would be super responsible. But it's quite obviously lush and rich. With a crappy root system.
So now I have to pay someone to come take the tree away. Insurance only covers that if it fell on an actual house, or was blocking MY driveway. Swell ! I'll soon be printing my own money.
And THE HITS JUST KEEP ON COMING !!
So I had to go to town to the post office to mail some stuff and register it and all that. Then I was actually going to go to the gym and to tan, just like the plan.
Then......
Oh yes. I don't even want to go into the details. Except THANKS YOU BONEHEADED #$#%#&#*
with no f-ing license or insurance !&^#^#$#%.
So I've been on the phone with Progressive and Tameron Honda Collision Repair and this one and that one and everyone except THE PERSON I want to talk to.
We are supposed to be "at sea" today. Day 2 of the cruise. I should be having a pina colada and listening to Jimmy Buffet and watching my husband enjoy his first cruise and rubbing sunscreen on his white Irish ass so he won't burn.
But nooooo, there's a f-ing tree on my neighbors cars, a dented up Honda in my garage and the weather is supposed to suck this afternoon and I have to go to WORK.
Maybe I'll get struck by lightning.
And I didn't go to the gym, the tanning bed, walk the dogs or ride my bike.
I came home, pitched a fit, and got back in bed.
I may not get back out.
Sunday
Saint Gregory
Happy Easter yall.
Today has been an OK day. I left here right on time and went up to the cemetery
where part of G is and took some gorgeous spring flowers.
See ? Ain't they purty?
So I camped out for about an hour there, talked and stuff, then I went to my brother-in-laws for the feed.
On the way there I stopped at this place called "Ave Maria Grotto." It's like a monastery / school / museum. ( I'd link it but I don't know how. Yet.) They have a cool gift shop and I thought I would nose around.
I found a keychain I liked, and a book about dealing with loss.
And this....
Score ! I just had to have it. Saint Gregory "the Great."
Oh boy. We've always called his birthday "Saint Gregory" day. This little item made me happy. And if something can make me happy nowadays, I'm going to be having it.
So then I went to the family thing, then I went back to the cemetery. You know, I have to be the first and last to see him. Some things never change.
Now I am at home, and have had a nice hot bath and some comfy jammies and am rocking some chai tea.
I have also laid out my gym clothes for tomorrow, put the boy's leashes by the door, put air in my bike tire's, and packed a gym bag ! I am now getting ready to reload the shuffle with as much workout music as it will hold.....tomorrow is a new day !
So I hope yall had a good Easter and treasure the memories you made today with those you love. They come in damm handy. Oh, and takes lots of pictures. You'll be glad you did.
I love you babes, Happy Easter.
Today has been an OK day. I left here right on time and went up to the cemetery
where part of G is and took some gorgeous spring flowers.
See ? Ain't they purty?
So I camped out for about an hour there, talked and stuff, then I went to my brother-in-laws for the feed.
On the way there I stopped at this place called "Ave Maria Grotto." It's like a monastery / school / museum. ( I'd link it but I don't know how. Yet.) They have a cool gift shop and I thought I would nose around.
I found a keychain I liked, and a book about dealing with loss.
And this....
Score ! I just had to have it. Saint Gregory "the Great."
Oh boy. We've always called his birthday "Saint Gregory" day. This little item made me happy. And if something can make me happy nowadays, I'm going to be having it.
So then I went to the family thing, then I went back to the cemetery. You know, I have to be the first and last to see him. Some things never change.
Now I am at home, and have had a nice hot bath and some comfy jammies and am rocking some chai tea.
I have also laid out my gym clothes for tomorrow, put the boy's leashes by the door, put air in my bike tire's, and packed a gym bag ! I am now getting ready to reload the shuffle with as much workout music as it will hold.....tomorrow is a new day !
So I hope yall had a good Easter and treasure the memories you made today with those you love. They come in damm handy. Oh, and takes lots of pictures. You'll be glad you did.
I love you babes, Happy Easter.
Saturday
I will / will not....
I have decided I have got to get out of this funk pattern I am in. I am relishing it too much. I can see the tip of the iceberg called slowly losing my mind beginning to appear.
It needs to go away. Soon.
Today I go back to work. I think I need to. Rockin' the orange and all that. Shiny happy people. We'll see how it goes.
So that will be the beginning of a "normal" routine. Of course my normal will never be the same again. Case in point, I left the house earlier ...WITHOUT MY iPHONE !! Yes, I know. And I realized it as I pulled out of the driveway and just went ahead and did my errands anyway. I didn't care. The person I want to talk to the most isn't going to be calling me anymore. And I'm damn mad and pissy and whiney about that.
That got me to thinking...I gotta get back to some type of routine. I will / won't.
I will not let grief consume me. They say there are 5 stages. I'm definitely immersed in #1 and #2 , and have even tiptoed over to #3 a few times. I say I will not, but I'm letting IT.
So today is a small step. Back to work.
Tomorrow is Easter with Greg's family and fresh flowers for my visit to the cemetary.
MONDAY is get my ass back in touch with reality day.
See this person with the goofy grin on the elliptical???
I want her back.
I WILL ;
* start going back to the gym , I gotta get back in shape
* go back to the fake bake, even though I know it's bad for me, I like it
* start riding my bike again
* walk these two crazy ass doggies that I treasure
* eat healthier again, I was once on the right track
* spend more time with friends, and family
* definitely go back to my counselor
* try to see past my front door
I WILL NOT;
* let this beat me
There's a few more wills/will nots that I have, but I'm gonna keep those to myself.
I would like to request that any of you reading this prod my behiney along and make sure I am doing my "will" list....I often procrastinate and excuse myself out of things I should be doing. Don't need to be doing that no mo'.
Feel free to do that here, or email me at kimt205@yahoo.com. Or tweet me. Or Facebook me.
Just don't leave me alone. I WILL be needing yall.
Thanks.
Gonna go get ready for work.
It needs to go away. Soon.
Today I go back to work. I think I need to. Rockin' the orange and all that. Shiny happy people. We'll see how it goes.
So that will be the beginning of a "normal" routine. Of course my normal will never be the same again. Case in point, I left the house earlier ...WITHOUT MY iPHONE !! Yes, I know. And I realized it as I pulled out of the driveway and just went ahead and did my errands anyway. I didn't care. The person I want to talk to the most isn't going to be calling me anymore. And I'm damn mad and pissy and whiney about that.
That got me to thinking...I gotta get back to some type of routine. I will / won't.
I will not let grief consume me. They say there are 5 stages. I'm definitely immersed in #1 and #2 , and have even tiptoed over to #3 a few times. I say I will not, but I'm letting IT.
So today is a small step. Back to work.
Tomorrow is Easter with Greg's family and fresh flowers for my visit to the cemetary.
MONDAY is get my ass back in touch with reality day.
See this person with the goofy grin on the elliptical???
I want her back.
I WILL ;
* start going back to the gym , I gotta get back in shape
* go back to the fake bake, even though I know it's bad for me, I like it
* start riding my bike again
* walk these two crazy ass doggies that I treasure
* eat healthier again, I was once on the right track
* spend more time with friends, and family
* definitely go back to my counselor
* try to see past my front door
I WILL NOT;
* let this beat me
There's a few more wills/will nots that I have, but I'm gonna keep those to myself.
I would like to request that any of you reading this prod my behiney along and make sure I am doing my "will" list....I often procrastinate and excuse myself out of things I should be doing. Don't need to be doing that no mo'.
Feel free to do that here, or email me at kimt205@yahoo.com. Or tweet me. Or Facebook me.
Just don't leave me alone. I WILL be needing yall.
Thanks.
Gonna go get ready for work.
Friday
I'll meet you by the tree.....
Today is Good Friday.
It's also been 3 weeks since G died. At 1109 pm. Despite that, I'm having a pretty good Friday, but I'm a little afraid of my Friday night. Some friends want me to go somewhere with them, but I'm not really into it.
As a matter of fact, it's 5:19 pm and I'm already showered and in my jammies. We have some fairly bad weather around us.....and I'm watching my favo weatherman (Hi James!) and looking at Skywatcher chat, weather radar, etc, etc. The exciting Friday night life of a nerd.
But I did do something good today.
I planted a tree. : ) In memory of G.
Yesterday's post should explain how this tree idea came about....
So anyway, the tree is planted. It's very pretty and I know it probably won't bloom until next spring, but it's nice just having it here. And it's right by the same spot where I took that picture of G that I posted yesterday...of course he was digging to fix our sprinkler system...but it's just across from that !!
Digging the hole ? OMG. Alabama clay my ass, more like Alabama rock !!! But I persevered and was successful, and I got it the right size and all fertilized and all, and now "the G tree" is in it's spot !! I even staked it so it would be able to get it's roots all strong. Yay me !
As I was sitting looking at my work I got to thinking that it looks kind of lonely.
Gregory always liked to "willie things up", as he put it. So I think once it settles in I'll put a nice rock border around it or something like that. He would like that. He's the one who taught me how to use quikrete, stack stones and build border walls and stuff like that. So see baby I was listening after all !
So I took his favorite outside decorative thingy and set it by the tree with him. I remember when he moved me here from Poplarville, he got it out of the truck and set it right on our back deck so it would greet us. He said it always made him smile. So I hope it still does.
I love you babes. I miss you. And I'll meet you by the tree.
P.S. Thanks to everyone for reading my blog and the cool comments. Hope I'm not being too emo ! Keep reading and I promise to have some amazing excellent adventures of Beaux and Teddy soon !!
It's also been 3 weeks since G died. At 1109 pm. Despite that, I'm having a pretty good Friday, but I'm a little afraid of my Friday night. Some friends want me to go somewhere with them, but I'm not really into it.
As a matter of fact, it's 5:19 pm and I'm already showered and in my jammies. We have some fairly bad weather around us.....and I'm watching my favo weatherman (Hi James!) and looking at Skywatcher chat, weather radar, etc, etc. The exciting Friday night life of a nerd.
But I did do something good today.
I planted a tree. : ) In memory of G.
Yesterday's post should explain how this tree idea came about....
So anyway, the tree is planted. It's very pretty and I know it probably won't bloom until next spring, but it's nice just having it here. And it's right by the same spot where I took that picture of G that I posted yesterday...of course he was digging to fix our sprinkler system...but it's just across from that !!
Digging the hole ? OMG. Alabama clay my ass, more like Alabama rock !!! But I persevered and was successful, and I got it the right size and all fertilized and all, and now "the G tree" is in it's spot !! I even staked it so it would be able to get it's roots all strong. Yay me !
As I was sitting looking at my work I got to thinking that it looks kind of lonely.
Gregory always liked to "willie things up", as he put it. So I think once it settles in I'll put a nice rock border around it or something like that. He would like that. He's the one who taught me how to use quikrete, stack stones and build border walls and stuff like that. So see baby I was listening after all !
So I took his favorite outside decorative thingy and set it by the tree with him. I remember when he moved me here from Poplarville, he got it out of the truck and set it right on our back deck so it would greet us. He said it always made him smile. So I hope it still does.
I love you babes. I miss you. And I'll meet you by the tree.
P.S. Thanks to everyone for reading my blog and the cool comments. Hope I'm not being too emo ! Keep reading and I promise to have some amazing excellent adventures of Beaux and Teddy soon !!
Thursday
A good day.....
Today was a good day. Good.
I slept in, then did a few things around the house, walked the wild boys and then went to lunch with my parents. Heard the report from the doctor with a little glimmer of hope about "THE CANCER" and more tests, bloodwork, maybe surgery eventually, etc,etc. I even managed to eat about half of the chicken fajita nachos I have been lusting after.
I went home and decided that since it was such an awesomely gorgeous day I would work in our yard. I weedeated, push and John Deere tractor mowed. I didn't edge. Oops. Then I couldn't get the #%@$!^!& Stihl backpack blower to crank. Gregory liked it because he thought it made him look like an astronaut. He could never crank the @$@#!^@* thing either. So I scurried around with a giant broom cleaning up the place, washed off the mowers, cleaned the weedwhacker and put everything away. I was very proud of myself. Until I realized I hadn't mowed the BACK yard. Oops oops. But I'll save that for Saturday along with weed and feed.
So my day was going pretty well.
Then, I went to the mailbox. And there they were. In a large manila envelope.
The death certificates. Plus copies.
Meltdown commenced at the mailbox and continued up the drive until I managed to get myself into the garage wherein it gained speed as I slid down against the workbench, clutching said mail. So, after I ran out of snot and tears a little while later I decided to drag my happy ass up and try to find the rest of the good the day had in store for me.
And BOY DID I !!!!
In my stack of DC's, bills, nerd magazines, junk and my guilty pleasure bathtub reader People magazine I discovered a card. Hmm.
The return address didn't have a perosn's name. But it did say PHS Class of 1986.
I graduated from Poplarville High School in lil bitty Pville , Mississippi in 1986. And even though I spent only my senior year there, it was a great senior year with lots of friends , new and old. I would "grow up" in Pville during the summers home from Singapore while staying with my grandparents and grew to know many people. I lived there until October of 2005. So even though I live in Alabama, I'll always be from "The Ville."
So anyway, here's this card. Just an ordinary card?
Oh noes.
It was an EXTRAORDINARY CARD !!
In it, my friends and classmates ( you know who you are you anonymous bunch of people I could squeeze with love until you pop!!!) wrote me a beautiful note and reminded me that I am still part of them and they are still part of me. Past, present and future. Wow. Powerful words ! I love you all deeply too, and do miss yall. I am thankful for the interwebz, particularly Facebook which has brought many of us "together " again.
In the card was a gift card. A card for me to buy a tree to plant in Greg's memory and to honor the love we had for each other and the outdoors. May I say WOW again? WOW !
So I bought a tree. Right after that card came, I washed my shiny face and away I went in search of a tree. And I kinda knew what I wanted......and what he would have wanted.....
So I found it. It's called a "snow fountain weeping cherry tree." It's a beautiful tree that has gorgeous white blooms in spring and "weeping" branches. We would see similar ones in yards as we went gallavanting by and he would always say "We need to get a tree like that Kimbo."
So we got one baby. Thanks to some great and lifelong friends.
Gregory died three weeks ago tomorrow. On the first day of spring.
Tomorrow is Good Friday, the day people traditionally plant their gardens and foliage.
So tomorrow I will plant this tree in honor of Gregory, the love of my life. Thanks to the friends who stood by me and inspired this wonderful idea and tribute.
I think it's appropriate.
So if you're anywhere near Alabaster, Alabama tomorrow and see a crazy lady planting a tree in what is supposed to be torrential storms, stop on by , grab the miracle gro and help.
Gregory would be proud.
Thanks yall.
I slept in, then did a few things around the house, walked the wild boys and then went to lunch with my parents. Heard the report from the doctor with a little glimmer of hope about "THE CANCER" and more tests, bloodwork, maybe surgery eventually, etc,etc. I even managed to eat about half of the chicken fajita nachos I have been lusting after.
I went home and decided that since it was such an awesomely gorgeous day I would work in our yard. I weedeated, push and John Deere tractor mowed. I didn't edge. Oops. Then I couldn't get the #%@$!^!& Stihl backpack blower to crank. Gregory liked it because he thought it made him look like an astronaut. He could never crank the @$@#!^@* thing either. So I scurried around with a giant broom cleaning up the place, washed off the mowers, cleaned the weedwhacker and put everything away. I was very proud of myself. Until I realized I hadn't mowed the BACK yard. Oops oops. But I'll save that for Saturday along with weed and feed.
So my day was going pretty well.
Then, I went to the mailbox. And there they were. In a large manila envelope.
The death certificates. Plus copies.
Meltdown commenced at the mailbox and continued up the drive until I managed to get myself into the garage wherein it gained speed as I slid down against the workbench, clutching said mail. So, after I ran out of snot and tears a little while later I decided to drag my happy ass up and try to find the rest of the good the day had in store for me.
And BOY DID I !!!!
In my stack of DC's, bills, nerd magazines, junk and my guilty pleasure bathtub reader People magazine I discovered a card. Hmm.
The return address didn't have a perosn's name. But it did say PHS Class of 1986.
I graduated from Poplarville High School in lil bitty Pville , Mississippi in 1986. And even though I spent only my senior year there, it was a great senior year with lots of friends , new and old. I would "grow up" in Pville during the summers home from Singapore while staying with my grandparents and grew to know many people. I lived there until October of 2005. So even though I live in Alabama, I'll always be from "The Ville."
So anyway, here's this card. Just an ordinary card?
Oh noes.
It was an EXTRAORDINARY CARD !!
In it, my friends and classmates ( you know who you are you anonymous bunch of people I could squeeze with love until you pop!!!) wrote me a beautiful note and reminded me that I am still part of them and they are still part of me. Past, present and future. Wow. Powerful words ! I love you all deeply too, and do miss yall. I am thankful for the interwebz, particularly Facebook which has brought many of us "together " again.
In the card was a gift card. A card for me to buy a tree to plant in Greg's memory and to honor the love we had for each other and the outdoors. May I say WOW again? WOW !
So I bought a tree. Right after that card came, I washed my shiny face and away I went in search of a tree. And I kinda knew what I wanted......and what he would have wanted.....
So I found it. It's called a "snow fountain weeping cherry tree." It's a beautiful tree that has gorgeous white blooms in spring and "weeping" branches. We would see similar ones in yards as we went gallavanting by and he would always say "We need to get a tree like that Kimbo."
So we got one baby. Thanks to some great and lifelong friends.
Gregory died three weeks ago tomorrow. On the first day of spring.
Tomorrow is Good Friday, the day people traditionally plant their gardens and foliage.
So tomorrow I will plant this tree in honor of Gregory, the love of my life. Thanks to the friends who stood by me and inspired this wonderful idea and tribute.
I think it's appropriate.
So if you're anywhere near Alabaster, Alabama tomorrow and see a crazy lady planting a tree in what is supposed to be torrential storms, stop on by , grab the miracle gro and help.
Gregory would be proud.
Thanks yall.
Wednesday
Why weren't we worth it?
I knew it would come.
All day, it's been lurking. Peeking around the corner at me. Nagging me. Worrying the edges of my frazzled brain.
Sneaky S.O.B. your mind. So much power.
I had a good session with the counselor. He knew Gregory, worked with us last year when he helped G stop his demons for several months. Knows me. And he has been there, done that. Is not judgmental, belittling or intimidating. He just is, and in that is, he's comforting.
I talked to him as much as a one hour session would allow, and I will be going back. I felt GOOD when I left. Could not wait to go back. Wished I could have jammed every what if, why, I feel guilty feeling and emotion I was feeling into those sixty fleeting minutes.
And when I left I kept thinking I forgot something important I wanted to ask. Something I have been asking Gregory 7 or 8 times a day in the last few weeks.
I left there and went to the ENT who informed me I have yet another raging sinus infection, gave me four prescriptions and steroids and wants me back in two weeks for a CT scan. Just in case. Hmm.
Went to Publix, got the scrips, got a few groceries. Managed to avoid running into anyone we knew. Phew.
Then I came home and put together more photos, albums, paperwork, etc, etc. Laundry, "The Unusuals", the internet. Checking in with the list of people on the phone I have to talk to EVERYDAY so THEY know I'm OK, even though I know I'm not. The usual. And I thought "Wow, I'm doing OK today. For realz."
And then there it came....just when I was walking through the garage on the way to the extra fridge to get a gallon of milk. Dog on my heels. I looked up and saw his Yankees yard work hat hanging on a peg, and BOOM! There it is again....my new friend that shows up EVERY NIGHT after dark...usually between 10 and midnight....my mind. My emotions....my questions....
WHY WEREN'T WE WORTH IT ??????
Why couldn't you put that damm glass down and JUST STOP ?!?
Why could I, but not you ?
Why didn't you take care of your diabetes??
Why wouldn't you go to the doctor ??
Why wouldn't you take your medicine G ??
Why didn't I lock you away and keep you safe?
Why didn't I know SOMETHING WAS WRONG despite what the damm doctors said??
WHY DIDN'T I MAKE YOU DO ALL OF THAT AND SAVE YOU ?
DAMMIT !!!
Why weren't we worth it?
You. Me. Rachel. Patrick. Your family. My family. Teddy and Beaux.
Our countless friends, family and the people who are never gonna get to know how WONDERFUL you could be, what a delightful joy of a person?
My daddy is dying of cancer you selfish SOB - and you have to go and leave me to deal with it ALONE? When you PROMISED before GOD and everyone that mattered to us to TAKE CARE OF ME.
I am so mad at you. But I love you and miss you so much I don't know what to do with myself.
Why weren't we worth it ??
Why ?
All day, it's been lurking. Peeking around the corner at me. Nagging me. Worrying the edges of my frazzled brain.
Sneaky S.O.B. your mind. So much power.
I had a good session with the counselor. He knew Gregory, worked with us last year when he helped G stop his demons for several months. Knows me. And he has been there, done that. Is not judgmental, belittling or intimidating. He just is, and in that is, he's comforting.
I talked to him as much as a one hour session would allow, and I will be going back. I felt GOOD when I left. Could not wait to go back. Wished I could have jammed every what if, why, I feel guilty feeling and emotion I was feeling into those sixty fleeting minutes.
And when I left I kept thinking I forgot something important I wanted to ask. Something I have been asking Gregory 7 or 8 times a day in the last few weeks.
I left there and went to the ENT who informed me I have yet another raging sinus infection, gave me four prescriptions and steroids and wants me back in two weeks for a CT scan. Just in case. Hmm.
Went to Publix, got the scrips, got a few groceries. Managed to avoid running into anyone we knew. Phew.
Then I came home and put together more photos, albums, paperwork, etc, etc. Laundry, "The Unusuals", the internet. Checking in with the list of people on the phone I have to talk to EVERYDAY so THEY know I'm OK, even though I know I'm not. The usual. And I thought "Wow, I'm doing OK today. For realz."
And then there it came....just when I was walking through the garage on the way to the extra fridge to get a gallon of milk. Dog on my heels. I looked up and saw his Yankees yard work hat hanging on a peg, and BOOM! There it is again....my new friend that shows up EVERY NIGHT after dark...usually between 10 and midnight....my mind. My emotions....my questions....
WHY WEREN'T WE WORTH IT ??????
Why couldn't you put that damm glass down and JUST STOP ?!?
Why could I, but not you ?
Why didn't you take care of your diabetes??
Why wouldn't you go to the doctor ??
Why wouldn't you take your medicine G ??
Why didn't I lock you away and keep you safe?
Why didn't I know SOMETHING WAS WRONG despite what the damm doctors said??
WHY DIDN'T I MAKE YOU DO ALL OF THAT AND SAVE YOU ?
DAMMIT !!!
Why weren't we worth it?
You. Me. Rachel. Patrick. Your family. My family. Teddy and Beaux.
Our countless friends, family and the people who are never gonna get to know how WONDERFUL you could be, what a delightful joy of a person?
My daddy is dying of cancer you selfish SOB - and you have to go and leave me to deal with it ALONE? When you PROMISED before GOD and everyone that mattered to us to TAKE CARE OF ME.
I am so mad at you. But I love you and miss you so much I don't know what to do with myself.
Why weren't we worth it ??
Why ?
Tuesday
Gettin' down to bidness......
Today was Attorney day. I met with two thus far. Dang there's a lot to do. Thankfully we had our wills and all that legal stuff done already....may I suggest if you don't, be getting on it.
I also met with a very good friend of G's who is helping me navigate through these waters, giving me advice, etc,etc....known him since he was 19, and was kind of his "big brother"....in the same business, got G started in "the business" , and then he also informed me that G told him many times that I was the love of his life and he was crazy about me....and that made my heart smile. Oh and of course we both broke down. But it was a nice breakdown.
But anyway, ya know, all this stuff is kinda whirling around...so not gonna say anymore for now!
But I am trying to blog everyday, even if it's booooooring.....it's kinda therapeutic..
OH BTW !!!! I am meeting with a different counselor tomorrow afternoon who knew G, and who worked with us before at family AA/Al-anon...yay !! I feel really comfortable with him and am looking forward to working with him. So here's to a good session, thanks to Rich for seeing me !!
Oyster season baby !! In the words of Jimmy Buffett...."gimme oysters and beer, for dinner every day of the year, and I'll be fiiine"...
I also met with a very good friend of G's who is helping me navigate through these waters, giving me advice, etc,etc....known him since he was 19, and was kind of his "big brother"....in the same business, got G started in "the business" , and then he also informed me that G told him many times that I was the love of his life and he was crazy about me....and that made my heart smile. Oh and of course we both broke down. But it was a nice breakdown.
But anyway, ya know, all this stuff is kinda whirling around...so not gonna say anymore for now!
But I am trying to blog everyday, even if it's booooooring.....it's kinda therapeutic..
OH BTW !!!! I am meeting with a different counselor tomorrow afternoon who knew G, and who worked with us before at family AA/Al-anon...yay !! I feel really comfortable with him and am looking forward to working with him. So here's to a good session, thanks to Rich for seeing me !!
Oyster season baby !! In the words of Jimmy Buffett...."gimme oysters and beer, for dinner every day of the year, and I'll be fiiine"...
Monday
OK, so I went........
....to the counselor.
Meh.
You know how when you realize you can communicate with someone justlikethat?
Kind of an instant connection ? All quick-like. That comfort zone just says "Hi ! Here I am!"
Today...not so much.
It wasn't that I was uncomfortable. But I wasn't really comfortable either.
First of all, there was a "mix-up" in the calender scheduling between he and his assistant. Which he informed me would cut our session short, I could come back later, he needed me to fill out a few things blah blah blah.
Ever feel rushed? Like you're holding someone up?
Yea. That was my feeling. When he's checking for another time in the book before you've even begun this session, it's kind of a buzzkill.
And the office. I've never been to a therapist / counselor / psychiatrist whatever before, but in my mind the office should have been more, oh what am I trying to say ? Warm ? Comforting ? Instead, it was kinda cluttered and messy and just not somewhere I could feel like I wanted to bare my soul. And I feel bad because it's a free service so what kind of bitch am I not to be on my knees thanking them profusely?
Maybe it's just me ? My emotions have the consistency of tapioca right now, and I am sure my judgement is as cloudy as a 79 Toyota burning oil...so I will probably go back again just to make sure my gut reaction wasn't steering me wrong, and maybe things will be different. I'm definitely doing the group thing starting in May. Maybe that will be better.
So anyway, I went.
I did get to have coffee and lunch with two awesome friends afterward though (thanks L & S !), with an added bonus of new comfy pajamas (on sale!) on a quick retail therapy stop with L. They have the whole Buddha , Nepal , zen thing going on. So that made me happy.
I'm waiting for them to come out of the dryer now.
Warm jams.....they rock my world.
And if that's what gets me through today, I'm all about em.
Meh.
You know how when you realize you can communicate with someone justlikethat?
Kind of an instant connection ? All quick-like. That comfort zone just says "Hi ! Here I am!"
Today...not so much.
It wasn't that I was uncomfortable. But I wasn't really comfortable either.
First of all, there was a "mix-up" in the calender scheduling between he and his assistant. Which he informed me would cut our session short, I could come back later, he needed me to fill out a few things blah blah blah.
Ever feel rushed? Like you're holding someone up?
Yea. That was my feeling. When he's checking for another time in the book before you've even begun this session, it's kind of a buzzkill.
And the office. I've never been to a therapist / counselor / psychiatrist whatever before, but in my mind the office should have been more, oh what am I trying to say ? Warm ? Comforting ? Instead, it was kinda cluttered and messy and just not somewhere I could feel like I wanted to bare my soul. And I feel bad because it's a free service so what kind of bitch am I not to be on my knees thanking them profusely?
Maybe it's just me ? My emotions have the consistency of tapioca right now, and I am sure my judgement is as cloudy as a 79 Toyota burning oil...so I will probably go back again just to make sure my gut reaction wasn't steering me wrong, and maybe things will be different. I'm definitely doing the group thing starting in May. Maybe that will be better.
So anyway, I went.
I did get to have coffee and lunch with two awesome friends afterward though (thanks L & S !), with an added bonus of new comfy pajamas (on sale!) on a quick retail therapy stop with L. They have the whole Buddha , Nepal , zen thing going on. So that made me happy.
I'm waiting for them to come out of the dryer now.
Warm jams.....they rock my world.
And if that's what gets me through today, I'm all about em.
Sunday
Grief counseling??
Soooo....tomorrow I am supposed to meet with a "grief counselor." And then I suppose I'll have to join a grief group. It actually has a name ..."loss-of-spouse group for working-age persons". WTF ? I'd rather call it running around the house wailing until snot runs down your face on a scarily regular basis group, but who am I to decide? OH yea, a woman whose spouse is "lost". He's dead. Not lost. If he was lost he'd call me and get me to find him directions. I know. Happened many times before. See...here he is calling for directions cause at the time, I had no iPhone. Or laptop. See that thing in his lap....it's an ATLAS !! Well, actually a map. My baby could use the hell out of that thing but couldn't figure out our DirecTV remote.......dang I love him so much....
For those of you out of the loop, my husband died of a traumatic brain injury 17 days, 1 hour and 13 minutes ago. He fell in the kitchen,while I was in our bathroom brushing my teeth, and had a 1/6 inch cut just above his right eye. We had just been talking about dinner and watching a movie that night in the media room he built and was so proud of. I heard him fall. I thought "Oh what now?" He had fallen before. When he would fall or whatever at the lake he would bleed like a crazy person and just keep on truckin'....so I found him crawling up the side of the counter top, bleeding like a hog. Bled like a slaughter, anytime he cut himself , at the lake , even when he was shaving, just like oh shit G's bleeding... .... Cleaned him up, cleaned the floors up. Kissed it and made it better. So I thought. That's all a crock of shit. Sorry kids. He even wanted a picture. I told him I was going to print it out and put it on the fridge so he would remember to not be a re-re....bad image
Would not go to the hospital, would not go to the urgent care, would not do anything but let me clean it and dress it. I even called his mother and she tried to get him to go and of course, NO!! I even tried to bribe him by saying let's go out to eat, then I was gonna drive him right up to the ER. Nope. If I had still been in that room with him, maybe he would have fallen on me, and been fine. I still don't want to brush my teeth. BTW, this was the day before Natasha Richardson fell...and by the time I found out days later just how bad an "innocent" fall can be, it was too late anyway. Stubborn son of a bitch. AND HE WAS FINE for 3 days. We went to the store, we took the dogs outside, we watched TV..we talked about the Elton John / Billy joel concert ! We planned for our cruise. Gregory always was a bit loopy, so I didn't see anything that I wasn't used to. DAMM WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME !!!!
He then laid down to take a nap, and never woke up. And I found him, laying on his favorite spot on the couch, still breathing on his own, barely. He wouldn't get up. He wouldn't open his eyes. I called 911. I held him and begged him and begged him to wake up and kissed him til paramedics got there and made me let go. At the hospital they said "BRAIN SURGERY"....then an hour later doctors came in. I was expecting them to tell me about the surgery. Instead they explained the situation in all kinds of big words and things that I knew the meaning of but couldn't believe it. Not breathing on his own. Blood not clotting because of cirrhosis.... Subdural / Epidurmal/ whatever Hematoma. No viable activity. Strokes. They said the words no one wants to hear. "I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do. We'll just have to wait and see." For what I said, for him to lay there and die??? I asked them to take him somewhere else, to take my blood, my brain, anything. All the while my mother, my brother, my stepdaughter and my friends trying to help me. I have never felt so utterly alone in my life. Except I knw G was with me. Cause it was always just me and him, no one else believed in us like we did.
They called it a slow venous bleed because his blood wouldn't clot because of his liver. Three neurosurgeons told me a CAT scan or MRI wouldn't have caught it right away anyway, maybe not even for a day or so. That a helicopter in my backyard straight to an ER may not have mattered. His regular doctor told me his liver would have given out soon and a slow painful death from cirhossis would have been expected. Gee thanks I feel better now. Uh-huh. Add to the fact his already present diabetes and a little problem with overindulgence of the alcohol, and his body, his brain and his liver basically gave him the finger and failed him. Besides me of course, I'm the biggest failure to him of all. And that's all I have to say about that.
And I had to be the STRONG ONE,the one to make THE DECISIONS. I would not wish that responsibility on the world's worst person. All it is is a big old bucketful of guilt. Especially with a zillion family members and people that hadn't seen him for years suddenly appearing and offering their opinions and insight and oh let me go back there and look. Well Kim, what are you gonna do? Someone asked me about the freaking obituary less than 24 hours after we went into the hospital. And he was still BACK THERE AND ALIVE. I would have ripped out their throat but found out later Mom ripped them a new asshole. Thanks Momsie. And of course I got all of the usual. Oh yea, I know. It's what he would have wanted. We talked about it. He told me so. We even had it on paper, and legal and stuff !!! He didn't want to be kept alive by machines. BS. He would have wanted to be sitting here with me, utterly fascinated by "how one person can love being on the computer so much." Or sitting in the bathroom while I soaked in the tub, asking me if he could wash my hair. Or cooking us a steak, surprising me with tulips when he ran to the store, or pretending not to be interested in some TV show I was watching until he started quizzing me on all the goings on, and on and on and on.
Or working in the yard which I adored...he called me the queen of his John Deere tractor !!!! I am so proud !!!
Oh, and he got a tattoo last summer...that his brother-in-law Alan drew on his leg....my baby rocked it and got it !!!
I don't think there is a blog big enough in the world to list all the good things. And you know what, we had our bad times. He could be the world's biggest meanest asshole to me....and I could give it right back. Even his friends and daughter told him that he'd met his match. The bad things , the bad memories, gone....forgotten. Not worth the time we wasted on them. Any of yall that are reading this...don't waste your time on them too, k. It's not worth it. I don't wanna sound like a damm greeting card, but life is too short.....especially when you find your match.
I am not so sure about this grief stuff. It was suggested by a friend who also handily passed it along to my parents and now it's a "must go." I'm 39 years old !! (really!) I don't want to go (crossing arms like 3 year old here). I don't even want to leave the house. Or eat. Or shower. The only thing I find sanity in is my dogs, the TV, and my computer. It's even hard to breathe sometimes. So why do I want to discuss it with strangers?
I. don't. want. to. talk. about. it. At all. Not with you, or you, or even you. The only person I want to talk about it with has 25% of his ashes in an awful cemetery in Cullman , Alabama, and the other 75% of him is here at home with me in a big beautiful urn that looks like something he would like to eat oreos out of. And I have to take some of him out of that urn and spread it on the Chesapeake , and a little more on Lake Mitchell.
Oh and I talk to him. Yes I do. Constantly. I tell him hello and good morning and goodnight and goodbye and I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry I failed you and the dog just ate the remote and the damm refrigerator door won't seal and these two dogs are making me crazy and the weather is bad and I feel guilty for still being able to put one foot in front of the other and I feel like I have the plague cause no one knows what to say or do and on and on and on....I am like the crazy widow lady who walks around talking to herself. But I'm not. I'm talking to GREGORY. Just like I have done for the last 6 years. The first few months we were together we spent thousands of minutes on our cell phones. Each. And it didn't stop. We still talked ALL THE TIME. He made it a game to fill up my voice mailbox with messages when I was at work or when he was traveling . And like a giddy little schoolgirl I actually kept and recorded most of those messages. Yay me. I haven't listened to them yet. Can't do it. I see the tapes and the CD over there, looking at me. One day I think, I will conquer my fear and listen to the voice I love.... Because I am afraid I will forget what he sounds like. Or what he smells like. Or how he always thought it was so funny that I'd bury my face in his neck and chest and just breathe him in. I haven't washed his clothes. I haven't washed our sheets. I don't want to wash out the smell of him.
And I write him too. Everyday. I bought a journal and everyday I sit down and write him about what's going on, how I feel, how I miss him, and all of the things I may or may not have said when he was here with me. I used to leave him notes in his clothes I packed when he was traveling for work, he would always find one in a pocket and say it made him smile.... I sent him cards to his office in Pennsylvania even before he got there so he would have one to open everyday. I wrote him everyday he was away "getting help" for weeks last summer. BTW, thanks Bradford. Good job. Not. On a holiday, anniversary, birthday, just because I love you day, I could never decide on just one card, so I usually got him two or three. He kept them all. He left me notes too. And was getting into the card thing. I have them all. He got into getting his feet done a few years back. The lady that was going to do his pedicure told him "I rub you". He looked at me, in the chair next to him, grabbed my hand , and said "I rub you long time." We giggled like idiots. That's how he signed his notes to me from that day on.
I'm mad. I'm mad at Gregory, I'm mad at "god",and I am especially mad at me.I should have done more. I enabled him. I fueld him. I nagged, I begged , I pleaded.He was always afraid I was going to have him commited for alcohol, maybe if I would have he would still be here?? And alot of you people at the funeral...where the hell where you when he needed you ????? You know our phone numbers, our address?? Hwre the hell were you ?? I hope you have 1/10th of the pain that he had without you, and that I have without him. He used to say it was just us. Truer words baby.
In the last few months, people pulled away. Alcoholics will do that to you. The people at his job who were not only his friends but family for the last 20 years pulled away from him. Even though they said they would be there for him no matter what. Even though they enabled him. more to come on that. That broke his heart. And his spirit. He loved them, and he thought they loved him too. Their brand of tough love I guess. He thought they abandoned him, even though they knew our address, my # and his #, they just blew him off. It is what it is....and business is business.....but as Gregory always told me what's right is right. Like G said..he made a plan for his loved ones and it will roll down the tracks when the time comes....I never pulled away. I know I probably enabled him. But I swore to him, more than once, that I would be with him forever and I would never leave him. He is my best friend. Will always be. I could never imagine my life without him. And I don't know. I am still here. But even though I am here and in this life, as I know it my life stopped March 20, 2009 at 1109 pm.
And ya know how you always loved to play with my hair, and rub my neck ??
I have you in my heart......and in our ink...I did it for you G... ; ) ]
I love you G. I'll try out this grief stuff, but I dunno.
I will always be your wife. And you will always be my husband. And no one can ever take that away.
I rub you long time baby.
Kimberly Trimble MANN
PS - yes, I do know that blogging this really qualifies me as someone who should "get a room at Crazy Manor." But I don't care. FTW....
For those of you out of the loop, my husband died of a traumatic brain injury 17 days, 1 hour and 13 minutes ago. He fell in the kitchen,while I was in our bathroom brushing my teeth, and had a 1/6 inch cut just above his right eye. We had just been talking about dinner and watching a movie that night in the media room he built and was so proud of. I heard him fall. I thought "Oh what now?" He had fallen before. When he would fall or whatever at the lake he would bleed like a crazy person and just keep on truckin'....so I found him crawling up the side of the counter top, bleeding like a hog. Bled like a slaughter, anytime he cut himself , at the lake , even when he was shaving, just like oh shit G's bleeding... .... Cleaned him up, cleaned the floors up. Kissed it and made it better. So I thought. That's all a crock of shit. Sorry kids. He even wanted a picture. I told him I was going to print it out and put it on the fridge so he would remember to not be a re-re....bad image
Would not go to the hospital, would not go to the urgent care, would not do anything but let me clean it and dress it. I even called his mother and she tried to get him to go and of course, NO!! I even tried to bribe him by saying let's go out to eat, then I was gonna drive him right up to the ER. Nope. If I had still been in that room with him, maybe he would have fallen on me, and been fine. I still don't want to brush my teeth. BTW, this was the day before Natasha Richardson fell...and by the time I found out days later just how bad an "innocent" fall can be, it was too late anyway. Stubborn son of a bitch. AND HE WAS FINE for 3 days. We went to the store, we took the dogs outside, we watched TV..we talked about the Elton John / Billy joel concert ! We planned for our cruise. Gregory always was a bit loopy, so I didn't see anything that I wasn't used to. DAMM WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME !!!!
He then laid down to take a nap, and never woke up. And I found him, laying on his favorite spot on the couch, still breathing on his own, barely. He wouldn't get up. He wouldn't open his eyes. I called 911. I held him and begged him and begged him to wake up and kissed him til paramedics got there and made me let go. At the hospital they said "BRAIN SURGERY"....then an hour later doctors came in. I was expecting them to tell me about the surgery. Instead they explained the situation in all kinds of big words and things that I knew the meaning of but couldn't believe it. Not breathing on his own. Blood not clotting because of cirrhosis.... Subdural / Epidurmal/ whatever Hematoma. No viable activity. Strokes. They said the words no one wants to hear. "I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do. We'll just have to wait and see." For what I said, for him to lay there and die??? I asked them to take him somewhere else, to take my blood, my brain, anything. All the while my mother, my brother, my stepdaughter and my friends trying to help me. I have never felt so utterly alone in my life. Except I knw G was with me. Cause it was always just me and him, no one else believed in us like we did.
They called it a slow venous bleed because his blood wouldn't clot because of his liver. Three neurosurgeons told me a CAT scan or MRI wouldn't have caught it right away anyway, maybe not even for a day or so. That a helicopter in my backyard straight to an ER may not have mattered. His regular doctor told me his liver would have given out soon and a slow painful death from cirhossis would have been expected. Gee thanks I feel better now. Uh-huh. Add to the fact his already present diabetes and a little problem with overindulgence of the alcohol, and his body, his brain and his liver basically gave him the finger and failed him. Besides me of course, I'm the biggest failure to him of all. And that's all I have to say about that.
And I had to be the STRONG ONE,the one to make THE DECISIONS. I would not wish that responsibility on the world's worst person. All it is is a big old bucketful of guilt. Especially with a zillion family members and people that hadn't seen him for years suddenly appearing and offering their opinions and insight and oh let me go back there and look. Well Kim, what are you gonna do? Someone asked me about the freaking obituary less than 24 hours after we went into the hospital. And he was still BACK THERE AND ALIVE. I would have ripped out their throat but found out later Mom ripped them a new asshole. Thanks Momsie. And of course I got all of the usual. Oh yea, I know. It's what he would have wanted. We talked about it. He told me so. We even had it on paper, and legal and stuff !!! He didn't want to be kept alive by machines. BS. He would have wanted to be sitting here with me, utterly fascinated by "how one person can love being on the computer so much." Or sitting in the bathroom while I soaked in the tub, asking me if he could wash my hair. Or cooking us a steak, surprising me with tulips when he ran to the store, or pretending not to be interested in some TV show I was watching until he started quizzing me on all the goings on, and on and on and on.
Or working in the yard which I adored...he called me the queen of his John Deere tractor !!!! I am so proud !!!
Oh, and he got a tattoo last summer...that his brother-in-law Alan drew on his leg....my baby rocked it and got it !!!
I don't think there is a blog big enough in the world to list all the good things. And you know what, we had our bad times. He could be the world's biggest meanest asshole to me....and I could give it right back. Even his friends and daughter told him that he'd met his match. The bad things , the bad memories, gone....forgotten. Not worth the time we wasted on them. Any of yall that are reading this...don't waste your time on them too, k. It's not worth it. I don't wanna sound like a damm greeting card, but life is too short.....especially when you find your match.
I am not so sure about this grief stuff. It was suggested by a friend who also handily passed it along to my parents and now it's a "must go." I'm 39 years old !! (really!) I don't want to go (crossing arms like 3 year old here). I don't even want to leave the house. Or eat. Or shower. The only thing I find sanity in is my dogs, the TV, and my computer. It's even hard to breathe sometimes. So why do I want to discuss it with strangers?
I. don't. want. to. talk. about. it. At all. Not with you, or you, or even you. The only person I want to talk about it with has 25% of his ashes in an awful cemetery in Cullman , Alabama, and the other 75% of him is here at home with me in a big beautiful urn that looks like something he would like to eat oreos out of. And I have to take some of him out of that urn and spread it on the Chesapeake , and a little more on Lake Mitchell.
Oh and I talk to him. Yes I do. Constantly. I tell him hello and good morning and goodnight and goodbye and I love you and I miss you and I'm sorry I failed you and the dog just ate the remote and the damm refrigerator door won't seal and these two dogs are making me crazy and the weather is bad and I feel guilty for still being able to put one foot in front of the other and I feel like I have the plague cause no one knows what to say or do and on and on and on....I am like the crazy widow lady who walks around talking to herself. But I'm not. I'm talking to GREGORY. Just like I have done for the last 6 years. The first few months we were together we spent thousands of minutes on our cell phones. Each. And it didn't stop. We still talked ALL THE TIME. He made it a game to fill up my voice mailbox with messages when I was at work or when he was traveling . And like a giddy little schoolgirl I actually kept and recorded most of those messages. Yay me. I haven't listened to them yet. Can't do it. I see the tapes and the CD over there, looking at me. One day I think, I will conquer my fear and listen to the voice I love.... Because I am afraid I will forget what he sounds like. Or what he smells like. Or how he always thought it was so funny that I'd bury my face in his neck and chest and just breathe him in. I haven't washed his clothes. I haven't washed our sheets. I don't want to wash out the smell of him.
And I write him too. Everyday. I bought a journal and everyday I sit down and write him about what's going on, how I feel, how I miss him, and all of the things I may or may not have said when he was here with me. I used to leave him notes in his clothes I packed when he was traveling for work, he would always find one in a pocket and say it made him smile.... I sent him cards to his office in Pennsylvania even before he got there so he would have one to open everyday. I wrote him everyday he was away "getting help" for weeks last summer. BTW, thanks Bradford. Good job. Not. On a holiday, anniversary, birthday, just because I love you day, I could never decide on just one card, so I usually got him two or three. He kept them all. He left me notes too. And was getting into the card thing. I have them all. He got into getting his feet done a few years back. The lady that was going to do his pedicure told him "I rub you". He looked at me, in the chair next to him, grabbed my hand , and said "I rub you long time." We giggled like idiots. That's how he signed his notes to me from that day on.
I'm mad. I'm mad at Gregory, I'm mad at "god",and I am especially mad at me.I should have done more. I enabled him. I fueld him. I nagged, I begged , I pleaded.He was always afraid I was going to have him commited for alcohol, maybe if I would have he would still be here?? And alot of you people at the funeral...where the hell where you when he needed you ????? You know our phone numbers, our address?? Hwre the hell were you ?? I hope you have 1/10th of the pain that he had without you, and that I have without him. He used to say it was just us. Truer words baby.
In the last few months, people pulled away. Alcoholics will do that to you. The people at his job who were not only his friends but family for the last 20 years pulled away from him. Even though they said they would be there for him no matter what. Even though they enabled him. more to come on that. That broke his heart. And his spirit. He loved them, and he thought they loved him too. Their brand of tough love I guess. He thought they abandoned him, even though they knew our address, my # and his #, they just blew him off. It is what it is....and business is business.....but as Gregory always told me what's right is right. Like G said..he made a plan for his loved ones and it will roll down the tracks when the time comes....I never pulled away. I know I probably enabled him. But I swore to him, more than once, that I would be with him forever and I would never leave him. He is my best friend. Will always be. I could never imagine my life without him. And I don't know. I am still here. But even though I am here and in this life, as I know it my life stopped March 20, 2009 at 1109 pm.
And ya know how you always loved to play with my hair, and rub my neck ??
I have you in my heart......and in our ink...I did it for you G... ; ) ]
I love you G. I'll try out this grief stuff, but I dunno.
I will always be your wife. And you will always be my husband. And no one can ever take that away.
I rub you long time baby.
Kimberly Trimble MANN
PS - yes, I do know that blogging this really qualifies me as someone who should "get a room at Crazy Manor." But I don't care. FTW....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
