Many people have been telling me lately that I have "strength."

Not really.

It's more of a facade fueled by sunshine. I can be strong in the light.

I was very strong in the daylight today. And every day. I laughed, I smiled, I acted like the strong person everyone thinks I am.

But sometimes the darkness creeps in on even the brightest of days.

It's happening more frequently.

And I don't have the strength to stop it.

Today, I actually turned the radio on.

Lately I haven't been listening. Maybe to Rick and Bubba once in awhile. Otherwise, I'm in the rental car with no satellite. So I can't cushion myself with news and weather and mindless chit-chat like I can in the Dog/Nerd mobile with Satellite.

I actually may hear a song or two. There is one I listen to a million times a day that I may share with yall. Someday. But right now it's my song. Healing. That's how I roll.

I think I accidentally left the radio on a country station that replays R&B (RicknBubba)in the afternoon. But when they aren't on ....music.


And today I heard this.

My life has turned into a music video. One that I have been torturing myself with all day. And half a night.

One that I don't want to be in.

But I punish myself with it.

Because even though yall Twitter, you FaceBook, you e-mail, you are here for me.... I am still alone. But I appreciate you more than I can express. Because even though you are here, you're not here.

But you're with me either way. And I thank each and every one of you for that.

I am going through a hell I never knew existed.

I still miss my best friend , my buddy, my soul mate, and the greatest person in my life. I will never " get over it."

There are nights when I can listen to "happy songs" and my heart smiles knowing it is a little bit about us.

But right now, the "not-so-damm-happy" songs are winning.

I need to jerk the damm radio out of my car.


Anonymous said...

The same song hit me when I went through my nightmare...the song says it all....

Bubblewench said...

What an amazing post. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make the darkness and pain go away. But I know that there is nothing that has that power.

TexasRaceLady said...

You are getting through the worst of it, Kim. The good vibes you store up during the day will help you get through the nights.

Keep talking, Kimmie --- I'm listening.


LOVIN7 said...

Oh Cozzie, it just breaks my heart to hear how sad you are even though you put on a good front. I don't do FB or Tweet or any of that stuff (heck I don't even have a cell phone) but I DO think of you EVERY day and wish you peace. ((HUGS))

TexasRaceLady said...

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say...
but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above.
Here, there's no more tears of sadness; here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight.
Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you."

It's good to have you back again; you were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here badly; you're part of my plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.

God gave me a list of things, that he wished for me to do.
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you.
And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight.
God and I are closest to you....in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years
because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears.
But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain.
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned.
But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand.
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er.
I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
but together we can do it by taking one day at a time.
It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too...
that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain,
then you can say to God at night......"My day was not in vain."
And now I am contented....that my life has been worthwhile,
knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low,
just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go.
When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind;
I'm walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.

And when it's time for you to go.... from that body to be free,
remember you're not going.....you're coming here to me.

Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)
©Copyright 1998-2009

J said...

I came to your blog through Bubblewench. I'm sorry to hear about your loss, but part of being strong is being able to admit to yourself when you can't be. I think anyway. Does that make sense? I hope that the good songs will start to slowly win over, leaving you with your happy memories.