Wednesday

Why weren't we worth it?

I knew it would come.

All day, it's been lurking. Peeking around the corner at me. Nagging me. Worrying the edges of my frazzled brain.

Sneaky S.O.B. your mind. So much power.

I had a good session with the counselor. He knew Gregory, worked with us last year when he helped G stop his demons for several months. Knows me. And he has been there, done that. Is not judgmental, belittling or intimidating. He just is, and in that is, he's comforting.

I talked to him as much as a one hour session would allow, and I will be going back. I felt GOOD when I left. Could not wait to go back. Wished I could have jammed every what if, why, I feel guilty feeling and emotion I was feeling into those sixty fleeting minutes.

And when I left I kept thinking I forgot something important I wanted to ask. Something I have been asking Gregory 7 or 8 times a day in the last few weeks.

I left there and went to the ENT who informed me I have yet another raging sinus infection, gave me four prescriptions and steroids and wants me back in two weeks for a CT scan. Just in case. Hmm.

Went to Publix, got the scrips, got a few groceries. Managed to avoid running into anyone we knew. Phew.

Then I came home and put together more photos, albums, paperwork, etc, etc. Laundry, "The Unusuals", the internet. Checking in with the list of people on the phone I have to talk to EVERYDAY so THEY know I'm OK, even though I know I'm not. The usual. And I thought "Wow, I'm doing OK today. For realz."

And then there it came....just when I was walking through the garage on the way to the extra fridge to get a gallon of milk. Dog on my heels. I looked up and saw his Yankees yard work hat hanging on a peg, and BOOM! There it is again....my new friend that shows up EVERY NIGHT after dark...usually between 10 and midnight....my mind. My emotions....my questions....

WHY WEREN'T WE WORTH IT ??????



Why couldn't you put that damm glass down and JUST STOP ?!?
Why could I, but not you ?
Why didn't you take care of your diabetes??
Why wouldn't you go to the doctor ??
Why wouldn't you take your medicine G ??
Why didn't I lock you away and keep you safe?
Why didn't I know SOMETHING WAS WRONG despite what the damm doctors said??

WHY DIDN'T I MAKE YOU DO ALL OF THAT AND SAVE YOU ?

DAMMIT !!!

Why weren't we worth it?
You. Me. Rachel. Patrick. Your family. My family. Teddy and Beaux.
Our countless friends, family and the people who are never gonna get to know how WONDERFUL you could be, what a delightful joy of a person?

My daddy is dying of cancer you selfish SOB - and you have to go and leave me to deal with it ALONE? When you PROMISED before GOD and everyone that mattered to us to TAKE CARE OF ME.

I am so mad at you. But I love you and miss you so much I don't know what to do with myself.

Why weren't we worth it ??



Why ?

3 comments:

Big Pissy said...

We ARE listening, Kim.

Keep talking and getting it out.

Great, wonderful news with regards to the counselor. :)

Rick said...

Really good questions...

TexasRaceLady said...

Kim, I asked myself the same type of questions 21 years ago when I lost my mom. You want answers and there are none --- but it is a step toward healing. The pain of loss never goes away -- it just gets easier to live with.

Keep talking, Kim. I'm listening.

(((HUGS)))