Wednesday

Feel....

Many people have been asking me "how I feel" lately.

I know they mean well.

But really?

I feel EVERYTHING.

I am mad at myself. I am mad at Gregory for leaving me.

My guilt is overwhelming. I keep pushing it in the corner...and it keeps ooozing back out.

My "will" and "will not" list has pretty much gone down the toilet.

I am mad at God or whoever it is that everyone keeps telling me "has a plan."

Ya know what? The plan SUCKS.

Why did "the plan" have to come into our life??

Why us?

After all of the things we went through to be together and all the naysayers and b.s. we were finally headed down the right path. Or so I thought.

Oh I know.

It's not my fault. He was an adult. He made his own decisions. I stood by him no matter what. You were a good wife. (BTW - I WILL ALWAYS be Gregory's wife, that will NEVER change).

Blah blah freaking blah.

That does me no good in the middle of the night when I wake up screaming for him.

No good when I'm on my knees in the shower because I am crying so hard I can't breathe.

No good when I can't even keep food down, but the wine and beer stay in me.

No good when I have a come-apart at work, in the car, in a restaurant.

No good when I can't even look at myself in the mirror because I see a person who SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE to save her husband.

No good when the Grief Monster comes knock knock knockin' at my door.

No good at all.

So I'm not fine.

Not good.

Oh sure I smile and laugh and go to concerts and out with friends and to work and I tell people hi and hello and have a nice day.

I'm faking it pretty well.

But inside I'm rotten.

Half of my heart and soul is gone. Gone with him. Never to return.

I really don't give a damm about anything. Especially myself.

I'll never be the same. And I'm good and pissed about it.

But I don't want to be this way. I don't like this little emo person I am becoming.

She's not me. Of course "me" is not here anymore. I'm more of a shell of my former self.

It was always just "us." Now it's just "me."

Who am I gonna grow old with?

Who's gonna road trip with me??

Who's gonna take me out on the boat?

Who is gonna call me ten times a day, just to say "hi" and "I love you"?

Who's gonna sit next to me when we get our pedicures?

Who am I gonna have crazy mad arguments with, only to be holding you a minute later and we're telling each other sorry and how much we love each other?

Who's gonna hold me if my Daddy loses this battle with cancer???

Who's gonna call me Kimberly? Or baby? Or Kimbo?

What in the hell am I gonna do G?

Huh?

4 comments:

Bubblewench said...

Kim.. be mad, be all of the things you said. You have every right to be.

Hug.

TexasRaceLady said...

Kim, your anger and guilt feelings are normal. Letting your anger and frustrations out are OK --- holding them in would be wrong.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You've had 1/2 your world taken away and you're angry. You want answers to questions that have no answers. You're beating your head against a wall that will not break.

Would Greg want you beating yourself up like this? What would he be telling you right now?

I know you feel like your heart has been ripped from you body, that all your being has fallen into a black hole and you have no idea how to climb out --- I know that feeling, Kim.

You melded with Greg, so that part of you became part of him. Now you have to pull that part away and it is going to be hard.

It will take time, Kim. Time and patience. And it will get better. I'll tell you right now, the pain never really goes away, but it DOES get easier to live with. And it will happen.

(((HUGS)))

Big Pissy said...

I'm so glad that you're getting this all out on your blog.

I don't blame you a bit for being mad, angry....all of the things that you said you are.

You have every right to be.

Lil Sis said...

Hugs to you Kim, like Big Pissy said, I'm glad you have this place to vent it...lots of love to you sister.