I'm on a boat

I'm on a boat.

I watched that video last night just to see what all of the fuss was about and to see if it was mindless entertainment. Meh.

I don't get it.

I'm supposed to be on a boat. A ship, really.

My life is supposed to look like this right about now.

Instead, it more resembles this.

What's that Johnny Cash song ?? "Sea of Heartbreak" ? I feel ya man.

I am up , down, all around. ( Satellite = DMB) ha. It's like minute the sea is calm , the next I'm being overcome by a wave of grief and pain so bad I don't know if I'll be able to catch my breath when it's over. And I never see them coming. Sometimes I feel them. I say no no, go away, right now no good lah.

And they just keep on rollin' in. Sometimes they are tin. A little tear will escape. Sometimes they are so powerful I have to scream to let all of the anger , fear and just pure guilt and whatif-isms out.

It happened at work yesterday. Out of nowhere. I'm standing at the front door, suns shining, birds are singing. Thank god for sunglasses. Oh and it happened a few more times but I did fairly well hiding it.

I thought it would get better?? It's like I'm in the eye of a hurricane one second and on the back end the next. (For those of yall who don't know, the eye of a hurricane is calm and centered / the back is well, hell).

I finally started listening to music again. Mostly Jimmy Buffett. And I guess it's fitting since we're supposed to see him tomorrow night.

I think I found a perfect song.

And to quote another of my favorite songs....."this is the worst trip, I've ever been on."


Big Pissy said...

Hey, Girl!

Sorry I've been M.I.A. been at the beach with my best friend and six 7th grade girls.

Need I say more???? ;-)

Go to the gym! :)

TexasRaceLady said...

I see progress, Kim. You are making more sense now than you were last week.

Keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I assure you, the light is shining at the end of the tunnel --- and it's NOT a train.

Janine (txmomx6) said...

I am so sorry.
There are no words .... none at all to take away your pain, or even dull it.
My husband also died suddenly -- 16 months ago.
It's only been 3 weeks for you .... please give yourself grace .... and don't expect anything of yourself. Take it one moment at a time. You deserve to know, and feel, that this totally sucks and is horrible.
The days do get better, but the waves still come out of the blue.
I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, too .... I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
You are not alone in your feelings .... and you're not crazy.