Today my mind is kind of in a whirl. Accompanied along by my stomach. And my nerves.

Tonight I am going to my cousin's rehearsal dinner. I will be seeing friends and family that I haven't seen in awhile. Many of them couldn't make it to the funeral , and I basically told them not to worry about it anyway. I was in a fog then and pretty much didn't give a damn about anything except the fact that my husband was dead and I was pretty damn pissed about it.

I love, love , love my cousin and his brother. I could not be closer to them than if they were my own children. We have been an integral part of each other's lives since they were born...I was the "baby" of the family til Ryan came along, and I instantly fell in love with he and his younger brother Kyle. (YES, I had a mullet! It was the 80's for crying out loud!)


They are the ones who graced me with my family nickname, "Kimbo". They couldn't say Kimberly, so it came out "Kimbo". When my brother got married I was a bridesmaid, and as soon as I hit the aisle in the church, Ryan started screaming "Kimbo Kimbo Kimbo!!" He wouldn't stop until I came back and got him and held him throughout the ceremony. I think he was close to two then and I was maybe thirteen.

Kyle came to the funeral. When I saw him I fell apart. Ryan is coming in from Nashville where he is still pursuing a music career. I'll never forget telling Gregory when Ryan made it to Hollywood week on American Idol...he acted like a giddy fan, and told everyone "his cousin" was on AI. That was so awesome. But I know as soon as I see Ryan I will be having a come-apart. I don't want to, this is about Kyle and Kristen, but I don't know if I can be strong enough when I see my two babies, who are now young men.

And I dread the stream of people who will hopefully not ask me how I'm doing. I don't want to have to lie, but I can't tell them the truth either. My dad says I should just say "thanks for asking , but I don't want to talk about it." But I'm afraid I'll come off as a heartless bitch. Rude ! *sigh*

Then I have to repeat this all over again Saturday, but instead of 100 people at a rehearsal dinner, it'll be a 400 person wedding. Help me.

I think that people that are grieving should be put in quarantine for like 6 months, so that we don't have to go on like things are normal. Cause they will never be normal again.

I better go get ready.


Big Pissy said...

I hope you enjoy your evening and everything goes smoothly. :)

It'll be so great for you to see your cousins. :)

Marnie said...

Hang in there!

Lil Sis said...

I hope you and your cousin have a good long hug and that you enjoy the family time.

lots of love to you!

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

too late now, but perhaps you can say

as well as can be expected, some days better, some days worse.

love the 'grieve' like a ninja comment.

oh and love the


even more ;)