Today I stayed at the pool from 10am to 330 pm, with a quick 15 minute break for lunch and to let the boys out.....

It was a GORGEOUS day , temps were mild and I had the pool all to myself. I took some magazines and a book and two different floats. I was determined to enjoy my day.

And then my damn mind butted in.

I floated around and tried to "white-board" my thoughts. (I'll explain that later)
It didn't work. I kept thinking about coming home, finding him, the ride to the hospital, the doctors saying "there's nothing we can do", seeing him die, seeing him dead, the funeral, the cemetery....everything.

And in all that were peppered good memories.....him coming down to the pool to hang out with me for a bit between business calls from home, his smile, him calling me ten times a day while I was at this very same pool just to say hi and see if I would come home "just for a minute."

And of course I cried and carried on and blew some snot bubbles in the pool which I am sure is some violation of Alabama code and I generally just let a beautiful day spiral into a black fog of grief and self-pity. Gregory was my happy place, most of the time. The pool was also my happy place, most of the time (thanks to screaming children who often made it unhappy).

But now I'm not sure I even have a happy place anymore. I have "happy moments" that lead me into "guilty moments" for having a "happy moment." And I find myself preparing myself to feel guilty as I plan other happy times. One of my dearest friends is getting married next month, and weekend after next is her "bachelorette weekend" at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Biloxi, MS. I want to go. I want to spend time with dear friends that I haven't seen in awhile and laugh and cry and gossip and have too many margaritas by the pool and make more memories with.

But I'm afraid that I won't be able to hold it together in the same place that Gregory and I spent our last Christmas together. In a room similar to the one that he and I spent Christmas Eve and day in. In the same place we had a couples massage and pedicures. In the same place we had our last happy holiday.

I'm afraid to let this facade down in front of some of my dearest friends and ruining the weekend.

I'm afraid of my afraid.

I'm afraid that going ahead with life and having a weekend with my fiends will mean I'm forgetting that I'm in pain. That I'm over his death. That I'm forgetting him.

I'm afraid that if I don't poke the bad spots in my heart and head with a widow's regularity that I am somehow doing this wrong. I don't want to be a widow. I hate the freaking word. I want to be me again. Us again.
And I know no amount of wailing or begging is gonna ever change that.

I'm going to quote another widow who blogged this and boy did she hit it out of the park....Michelle, I hope you don't mind...

But time gives us the opportunity to burn our personal grief fuel. One experience at a time the timber of grief pops and blazes, and each day we emerge from the fire. Burned perhaps, raw for sure, dazed on occasion...but walking through the smoky haze to begin again tomorrow nonetheless. At the end of each haze filled day it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about how you heal or when. There is no right way to be a widow. Instead there are just survivors who face the flames of loss armed with the shield of love, and hope for the day when the embers that remain when grief has burned its seemingly endless fuel provide the light through which they see the rest of the world.

Then I pulled myself up and went to grief counseling group aka Widow School.

But I'm still afraid.


Anonymous said...

Kim- I hope that you go to your girlfriend's bachelorette party weekend. I hope you make new memories with old friends, and trust that they will hold you up when you break down. We do not mourn as those with no hope, because in as much as we feel our overwhelming sense of loss, we know Gregory is with his Savior, and even if he could he would not come back to us. He is happy, and whole, and healthy. Thank God for that! We are seasoned with grief, and sadness and loss are the school God has called you to for now, but there will be joy again. And what would make Greg happier than that?

Coloradolady said...

Kim, what better time to be around friends, don't think that they will not be there for you, go ahead and make new memories.

You are not forgetting the best memories of you and G, just making new memories in the wake of the old...letting G shine a light on the new ones so to speak.

Hang in there girl.

Mrs. Holly Hall said...

holy shit. that's quite an intro to a new follower.

damn. whew.

well. i hope you go to the partee. because dammit, the grief you feel seems to be every where you go, might as well get a pedicure while you ache.

hell, get a manicure and a massage too.

good luck and thank you for following.

how did you find my blog btw?


voodidit said...

Would Gregory want you to go and have fun or would he want you to wallow? You will never forget him or the way he made you feel and that is a good thing, you may have lost his physical presence but his spirit will always be a part of your life. When you aren't sure what to do just think WWGD.

Carole said...

Wow. Kim you have a great gift with words. Your writing so effectively conveys your grief, your fear, and your hope. You touched me. I am sorry for your loss and pain. I am thankful you let us into your world through your words.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I'm sorry for your pain. I think you should go to your friend's bachelorette party. If you have sad times, you will have the support of those who love you around.

Kim said...

Anonymous - Thank you, I wish I knew who you were !

ColoradoLady- I know I should go, but I still have some issues with it. I'm going to talk to someone today about it.

Mrs HH - Welcome , thanks for reading...I found your blog through another Blogher but I can't recall right this sec...I'll get back to you.

Voo - I love the WWGD ! I need a bracelet or something to remind me..

Carole - thanks for reading, it's therapeutic to be able to put it "out there"

EvilTwinsWife - I'm wishy washy, I decide to go, then I decide no to, guess I'll wait til next Friday to decide for sure...I've always been good under pressure.

LOVIN7 said...

I think Greg would want you to go and TRY to have a good time. Yeh, easy for ME to say, but give it some serious thought okay? My heart breaks for you when I read your words and I hope talking to others who have gone thru losing a spouse can give you some peace. ((HUGS)) Cozzie!!

Blondefabulous said...

All I can say is HUGS! Lots of Hugs!

TexasRaceLady said...

Kim, pack your damn bag and get the hell out of that house and go to the party!

Hiding in your house is not going to make the pain go away. Trust me on that one.

Your girlfriends will prop you up and help you make some new memories.

I understand your guilt, but you didn't do anything wrong. You are just as much a victim of circumstances as Greg.

Would Greg want you hiding your head in the sand? Or would he be kicking your ass out of the house to the party?