Crazy train

Crazy Train
**DISCLAIMER - the first one that calls the crazy police on me ?? I'll dig a hole for you too! : ) **

All aboard !!

In widow school the other night we talked about "going crazy." Our featured speaker lost her husband some time ago and described alot of the emotions that apparently every one of us in that room is feeling.

A bullet list....

* the guy who lost his partner after 20 years? Couldn't find the church that he drives by EVERYDAY. This was our third meeting there.

* one of the ladies went to get her mail and stuck her cellphone in the mailbox and couldn't find it for a day.

* the lady that went off on another teacher at her school because she told her "it was a beautiful day"

* the lady who had to start buying groceries and put the cold stuff in the pantry and didn't realize it til she went looking for milk

* and of course yours truly.....who has not only done many of those things but also went ballistic on a woman in Publix who was holding up the deli line bitching about the way her cheese was sliced....

But I didn't tell the group about one of the crazy things I have thought about doing. So I'm telling you, dear reader. I figure if I put it out there I will really realize how absolutely nutball crazy it is and I might not do it. Maybe.

And I was totally sober and medication free when I had this thought. As I am now as I write this.

I thought about digging the 25% of his ashes that are in that hellhole cemetery in Cullman up and bringing him here to put with the rest of him.

Yea, that's messed up isn't it ??

Now that you've all collectively gasped and clutched your chests and told all of your friends "look at the crazy widow!!" I will continue.

I know that's not him in that box in the ground. I know that's not him in the beautiful pewter urn in my bedroom. I know this isn't him in the little urn that sits in front of my computer. I know it's not. But I am not a fan of MY husband being spread out like damn kitty litter across the state of Alabama.

So the craziness continues.

And honestly, I don't know if I could do it even though hell, I paid for everything. Technically everything in that plot is mine, including him. That's my 40th birthday getaway money sitting up there. NO ONE chipped in , it was me and about 20 of his family members, and it was my responsibility as the wife, but it would have been nice if they'd offered. Especially since they INSISTED that he be buried there so they would have "somewhere to go." I think they've been twice, including the service. I can think of somewhere they can go.

Plus, I hate the thought of him "being there." He would hate it. He would hate the ugly ass box I let them pick out and that I paid for and the ugly cross they glued on it. He would hate it. I know this. And he would be tickled if I went and got him out of there. So I dunno.

Stay tuned. We may be taking a little road trip.


Teagan said...

I don't think that's one bit crazy! I'd want him out of there too, especially knowing he'd hate the idea of the ugly box with the ugly cross on it.

TexasRaceLady said...

Kim, you're NOT crazy.

If you want all of Greg with you, then go for it. Leave the headstone or whatever, so they will have "somewhere to go."

TexasRaceLady said...

If this is a duplicate post, just remove it, Kim.

You are NOT CRAZY! Take my word for it.

If you want Greg home, then go get him. Leave the headstone or whatever, so the others will have "somewhere to go", and bring Greg home.

Anonymous said...

Coz, you are not even a little bit crazy. I hope that doesn't disappoint!! I think you're doing/thinking exactly what I'd be doing/thinking.. then again we all know I'm batshit crazy.
I get the "hate the spread outedness" of him. I just want you to know that I'm here, reading everything, even tho I don't always say something.
And I think you rock. And you're handling this amazingly well.

Wanna go look at racecar drivers' backsides??

Love you girl.

Elizabeth said...

The mental image of that made me laugh and I'd seriously be cheering you on, but I think that's illegal isn't it?


Steph said...

We're only about an hour East of Cullman, so if you do any grave robbing, feel free to come visit! :)

Elaina M. Avalos said...

Take the road trip.

caitsmom said...

Not crazy. That's my assessment. I think you are grieving and it all seems so terribly and tragically normal. Thanks for spreading a bit of wry humor with your text. As another bereaved person, it was familiar. So, I say, "dig 'em up" if it's what you need to survive. I am so sorry for your loss. Peace.


Mrs. Holly Hall said...

yeah, i thought you were going to drop the 'sometimes i want to join him' crazy thought.

which isn't crazy.

and this, digginghim up, no not crazy at all.

and I know crazy (work with the crazies ever day)

so, keep us readers posted.

see now!

I follow you!!


buddha_girl said...

Oh my God, you have made me belly laugh! I love that you've admitted this supposedly "crazy" inkling to dig up the 25% left in the ground.

I say DO IT, but don't get caught - you'd end up with more than your 15 minutes of "fame," sister!

If I lived closer, I'd come with you and use my handy extended-handle shovel. It fits neatly in your hand until you open the lonnnnnng handle. Very secret-like! Har!

I know your husband would hate that dumb box and stupid cross GLUED to it. Gah.

Anonymous said...

So I read this post and just *had* to leave a comment. I think your thoughts about going to get him say a lot more about what you think/feel about his family then you being crazy. You're not crazy. I don't know you and can't imagine the pain and grief you feel. I'm so sorry. But when you said he would be "tickled" if you went and got him out of there? That made me crack a smile. You wanna get him? You go get him. I'm sure he'd be tickled by anything that helped you find even the smallest amount of peace right now.

Candace said...

I did't wanna be for the rest of time... I say your not crazy... I might not be your BFF, but let me know if you need some help! Give me a day or two notice to get off work... Hell my sister lives in Arab so if we needed a place to lay low for a day or so... we be good! lol

Jaymee said...

you are not at all crazy. cullman is a scary place. i would feel the same way if i were in your shoes.