David J and 4/20......

So it's been a month. Yesterday.

Gregory died on 3/20. (DAMM - that took me HOURS to be able to actually type that)

Yesterday was 4/20. The day potheads across the world unite. I thought that was strange. But also cool in a way that I don't get.

20.

I used to like that number. It was Tony Stewart's number.

20 bucks.

20/20

20 is the end of being a "teen".

20something.

My birthday is August 20th. Doesn't that stink ? No birthday this year for me.

Soooooooo......on 4/20, I went to see David John Matthews. Live in Concert.

Many of you know him as Dave Matthews. I've been a fan so long (1993 - before they were "in"!!) and been to so many shows, I just call him David J. I'm special like that. I know. My mommy told me so. Ha.

And the only one who knows I call him David J besides me is G. It's never "DMB", or "Dave" or "Dave and Tim" ......I always say David J. But just to him. And maybe my brother, if I'm high on Corona's and Margaritas..ha. To everyone else it's "DMB" or "Dave". Gregory and I always had our own little language.

And now I can talk however I want. I'm the crazy old widow woman. That gives me carte blanche to say and do stupid stuff. If you don't like it I'll beat you with my cane. Try me and see.

So me, a little bit of Gregory and some friends went to see David J last night. His birthday is 10 years and two days after Gregory's. G had seen David J before, in Philly and once with me in Atlanta. Whoops, make that twice with me - once at Jazzfest in New Orleans....but don't tell anybody, we were playing hooky and hiding out ! Shhhh.

"Crash" is one of our FAVOrites....it was on a jukebox at this dive we used to hang out at in T-Town.....along with "Grace is Gone." So both of those mean alot. David J sang "Crash" , but no Grace is Gone. I don't think I could have handled the latter.

He says in that song..." I could never love again so much as I love you, where you end where I begin like a river running thru..." Wow.

He did sing "Grey Street" which really was a cool song before, but now it really really really means alot.

I think I live on Grey Street now.

(BTW - KOOKY FACTOR - we went to CRAPPLEBEE's preshow to meet up. A girl in the bathroom kept looking at me and Rachel, my stepdaughter ( who's 22!)....I'm thinking, I know her !! She says the same thing......she was one of Gregory's nurses in ICU.


Well. I can't freaking get away . ( BTW - Thank you Ana you were awesome!! I was just in a fog after you talked to us, didn't mean to weird you out!) )

So I was on the second row , surrounded by fellow fans and friends, and I swear I could feel him . Is that odd? I guess because David J is so personal to me, to us - that it just was emotional. Either that or I have serious heart issues. I held it together pretty well....I had to go for a walk once and just "clear the board" so to speak.

But I felt him. It was like he was standing next to me while I sang to the high heavens along with every song. I missed him looking at me in wonder asking me " How do you know all the words??"

I missed his arms around me.

I missed his beard rubbing on my cheek.

I missed his smell.

I missed him going to the bathroom every 5 seconds and spilling his drink on me and kissing me and playing with my hair and giving me a wet willie in the ear and dancing with me in the aisle like we did at the last concert we went to.

I just missed him.

And last night, while David J was singing to us, I realized that I miss EVERYTHING about him.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks.

But I held it in. Somehow, I kept singing, and watching David J.

His sister was murdered by her husband. He knows the pain of unexpected loss.

He is also agnostic, which I am finding myself more like that each day.
(here - I know you're gonna Google it - I saved you the trouble ...)

And he is different and quirky and talented and shy. And he sings songs that burn a hole in your soul and make you wonder and think and dream and maybe just for a few hours, they make you OK.

So thank you David J.

Last night you made me feel. I may have experienced a little tiny bit of joy.

My only regret is that Gregory D wasn't there to enjoy David J with me.

Or maybe he was.

I hope.