In Case of Emergency....

I'm screwed.

Yesterday, I was having such a good day, I should have known, something was brewing.(Yes, that's my OPTIMISTIC side talking, ha)

I had a relatively good day at work thus far, not really dealing with any ass hats, and had just finished up a nice lunch at PF Changs where I chilled with some of my favo bartenders. I should have loaded up on Sake to dull my senses.

Anyhoo, back to work I go. I'm checking "my page" for payroll, hours, 401k,etc, etc...and I was looking at my personal info . And there it was, in black and white.

In Case of Gregory Mann (---)- (111-1111) .

Yep. I felt like someone had hit me over the head. And heart.

I immediately dissolve into a puddle of tears, and am trying to grieve like a ninja as best I can so my co-workers don't think I'm a crazy person. Fortunately, one of my very favoritest co-workers is sitting next to me and immediately picks up on "what it is" and gives me a huge hug, and tells me that we need to change this now.....while I am sniffling like an idiot and trying to compress my feelings. So he manages to dechiper my mom's name and number and changes it for me. *sigh* I'm glad I didn't have to hit that delete button. I already had to kinda do it once when I had to make the decision to turn off life support, and it's not a good feeling. Not that it's near the same thing, but it felt wrong to change it.

Then, true to form, I started out-thinking myself. I am a widow, without a husband. My dad has stage 4 terminal esophogeal cancer. My mom is almost sixty-nine years old. I have my older brother, but he is busy with his career and his family. And my other relatives are the same way.

So, in the end, it's just me. I always used to joke about being the lonely old widow woman who dies alone, except for her dogs and cats and goldfish...and guess what? It's come freaking true. (well, no cats....yet.) Yea I know, I'm not even 40 yet (31 days left!!).....but I'm living it. And I always thought it would be around my 70's.

I used to think I knew what hopeless felt like. Despair. Sadness.

I had no idea.

And in truth, I don't have it so bad. Others have it worse.

But when stuff like that happens, I feel like I don't have it so good. It knocks me out of whatever happy little spot I've found and makes me ill and whiney and ruins my outlook for the rest of the day, and sometimes beyond.

It has also hardened me and made me less tolerant. And somewhat more preachy and apt to jump up on my pissy box and spew my opinion, desired or not. I look around the internet and real life and see people complaining and bitching about nothing really important in the grand scheme of things, and I think - GET OVER IT. If this is the worse that happens to you today, good on ya.

So ... someone pissed you off? Forgive them while you have the chance. If they are not worth the time, don't waste your time and energy worrying over them. Move along, nothing to see here.

Cling to the good things, cause as a friend of mine used to wisely say, "Get it while you can, cause there's gonna be a dry spell."

Amen sister.


metalmom said...

Oh Kim. What a shock. I'm sorry you still get startled that way.

"Forgive them while you have the chance. If they are not worth the time, don't waste your time and energy worrying over them. Move along, nothing to see here."

No truer words were ever spoken. We need to be reminded sometimes.

Bubblewench said...

Wow. Sorry. I bet that was a blow.

Thanks for reminding me of perspective.

sybil law said...

What a hard fucking thing.

TexasRaceLady said...

Kimmers, I wish I had been there to help. At least you had a co-worker who understood and helped you through it.

I understand your feeling of being alone. When it comes right down to it, in the end, we're all alone.

As for the others who think they have problems, screw them.

Save your pity for those who really have it bad, because they usually have no place to voice their misery.

Keep talking, my friend. You're going to make it.


Evil Twin's Wife said...

After my dad passed away, I took care of ALL the paperwork, all the phone calls, everything. Mom just couldn't do it, wasn't up to it. Just seeing her go through his loss made me a tiny bit aware of what it must be like, but I still can't fully imagine. {{{Hugs}}

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Yeah, this ride sucks. I had the same thing, but with like 10 papers b/c of my kid, too.

You're doing just fine, considering. Take care and shout anytime.



Athomia said...

usually, it is those little, unexpected reminders that can bring it all tumbling down...the tiny things that make it through your armor, and i'm talking about the armor you wear to both hold it together and keep stuff out, you will find that you probably do better with the big things like holidays or other times you will be expecting the pain, but, damn those little things

and then again, it reminds you that it only hurts because it meant something, and feeling is better than not feeling at all

amen, indeed, sweet sister

Anonymous said...

Kim, I'm delurking here. You are so, so, so awesome. I felt a connection to you before I realized your last name is Mann. My maiden name is Mann. In any event, I love the truthfulness of your blog...I love it that you can describe the good times and I love it that you can describe the nano-second that everything changes. I don't think I've ever heard about two people who loved each other more AND SHOWED IT than you and your beloved. Keep writing. You are an inspiration.

Lynda said...

You know, my sister has been gone almost 4 years. I went to the library the other day, and there was her name. It didn't hit me quite as hard as it hit you, I think because my wound is more scabbed over, but it's still a bit of a shock.

And I still can't take her last cell phone number out of my cell phone. I just can't.

We still will occasionally get mail for her as well. My mom got something the other day from a company that just won't get the hint that she is deceased.

j o said...

anytime sweets. thats why we are here. j

Momza said...

What continues to amaze me about blogging, is how, with a click of a button, I can peek into someone else's life who is willing to share their most intimate pains, feel with my heart their resilience and come away with a better perspective of my own journey.
Your blog does that for me. Thank you for being so brave and generous.