Death and it's aftermath is an ugly business.

On TV and in the movies, someone dies and you see the funeral and the friends and families supporting each other and eating little finger sandwiches and sipping tea and talking about the deceased and the family they left behind. You see people bringing food and helping with tasks and being the perfect little neighbors and all that.

What you don't see are the bills and the phone calls and the heavily accented medical company biller threatening to send your case to an attorney if you don't pay this $45,000 the insurance didn't cover in 30 days . "Oh and we are very very sorry for your loss Miss."

You don't see the courts taking their sweet freaking time probating a will while someone sits at home and worries about paying next months house note, car note and medical insurance.

I unfortunately am seeing it firsthand. We live 25 minutes from the Probate Court, and I filed the paperwork to have his will approved by the court a week after he died. It has now been 4 months. I went to the court a week after the paperwork was filed and signed, along with a witness who watched him sign the will, that those were our signatures on the paperwork. We could have gone to court later that month. Or the next.

But nooooo, it took them 6 weeks to decide to go to court yesterday. And you know how that turned out. How frigging long does it take to pick up a handful of paperwork, drive to Alabaster, and say "Here, be in court on this date and time." I called the court and asked them if I could serve the damm papers myself and of course was told no. I understand there's a process to go through but for god's sake LIFE DOESN'T STOP because someone dies and the hits just keep on coming !!

So now I wait until September.

I don't get how people get by when this stuff happens. Everyone keeps saying I am strong but this is enough to break me. There are lots of great organizations out there for widows and widowers with children, but so far I haven't found any for young widows without kids that just need some freaking help. Sure there's lots of books and websites and stuff, but since I don't have dependent children, am not old enough or disabled to get Social Security, I'm pretty much shit outta luck. It's like because we didn't have kids of our own I am less of a wife and widow. Maybe if he hadn't up and died on me we would be looking forward to one now like we were planning. Thanks LIFE ! Go piss up a rope.

I'm not looking for any free swag or a handout, I just want the damn paperwork so I can start moving forward !! And right now I'm just spinning my wheels. I work, and I'm actively looking for a second and now probably a third job. I'm frustrated and mad at G for dying on me and mad at God for whatever he has planned and just ill and grouchy in general.

And I want to thank all of you who read my blog and comment that you were here. Your support and comments mean the world to me. When I see that you have taken the time to read my pointless drivel it helps me keep going. I know I'm not writing about all of the fun I had at a conference and how great life is and all the sunshiny stuff you see all over the blogosphere and yadda yadda yadda, but maybe one day.

I hope one day I can write about all that fun stuff again dear reader. And I hope that you'll stick around to see it.


Bubblewench said...

I can feel your frustration in your post. Sorry they are dragging this out. I wish it was easier all the way around.

ZenBitch said...

I wish there were something I could do to make all of the shitty stuff go away but unfortunately, all I can do is say that I'm thinking about you and hoping everything sorts out soon!!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that things just get shittier for you. Keep writing what you're going through, good or bad. We come and read because we care genuinely how you're doing. I hope that one day you will be able to right about fun stuff again. Just know that that time will come, but until then, we're here no matter what.

metalmom said...

Kim, I'm so sorry that this is piling misery upon grief. The courts are experts at dragging everything out. I just don't understand it.

Hang in there. I'm sure that you are due for something good SOON!!


Anonymous said...

I've never commented before, but it sounded like you could use some words of encouragement. I wish I had something profound to say; something unique that everyone hasn't already said, but I don't. It sucks that a difficult situation is compounded by legal matters, insurance companies and a "good christian woman". It's not fair and it sucks. (See, I told you it wouldn't be unique or profound). I hope things get better for you soon.

T Lee said...

Give it up to God and just let go.

It is all you can do.

hard as it is to do this, I know it is, you have to.

Job(from the bible)siffered as none of us probably ever have and in the end...because he always gave it up to GOD, he was blessed and did live to see a happy existence again.

stay strong!

I detest the beauracracy like no other!!!!!!

Foo said... have I been there. Actually got a call that they were going to repo my husband's car the day of the funeral. The IRS kept sending me things saying that I needed to pay his back taxes. The LA County Court system kept trying to get me to pay a late fine because he never paid a seatbelt ticket he got the weekend he died. I even got a bench warrant for his arrest after his death for the same seatbelt ticket. It took me 7 weeks to get the autopsy results, 9 weeks to get the death certificate and even longer to deal with insurance. I too was a young widow without kids. A whopping one time Social Security pay out of $250...woohoo! I begged, borrowed and barely made it...not to mention that you are grieving and missing your FUCKING husband while the phone calls, bill collectors and every other company and corporation doesn't give a shit. IT DOES GET BETTER...I promise you that. I know it seems overwhelming right now, I know it feels like there will never be an end in sight...but it does get better. I'm sorry you are dealing with psycho Christian whore...I'm sorry that you are going through all of this Kim, it just sucks. Just know, I'm here if you ever need to talk. Don't ever apologize for not having "fun stuff" to talk about, this is your life and if you don't get it out will do more damage in the long run. Huge hugs my friend.

Anonymous said...

Piss UP a rope? That's a new one for me but I like it, thanks. I agree with the person who said "give it to God", ignore the bill collectors for now, its not like you are going to hand them over the $45,000 anyway and they will KEEP calling for the next year telling you they are sending it to an atty. Let God deal with them while you ignore the ringing. As for the baby mama, God will deal with THAT too and hopefully you get to watch while he does!

knoxvillepixie said...

Hang in there, Kim. Wishing all the best for you as you go through this trying time. Thanks for sharing...

Anonymous said...

Hey Kim...
I feel your pain. There is a fair load of shit w/ Mom's estate as well, and at least I have the work backround in health/welfare/pension to be able to deal with the bulk of it, but it is such SHIT!! Tho, as it's been said, It will get better, and you'll get it all resolved eventually.
And I'm getting my lottery ticket on the way home. If I win, you're covered. Kai??

xoxox.. Franny

So Not Wishy Washy said...

Your blog isn't "pointless drivel." Ever.

Whether you're having a good or bad day, you matter, and I want to read your words.

I think of you each day and hope that things get a teeny bit better with each dawn. A candle was lit in my church for you this past weekend. I was sitting there and could think of nothing other than you and G.

The patience that the death of someone you love requires is monumental and ridiculous.

I wish I had access to a handbook to help you through. Lacking that, I am here, listening and ready to help.

sybil law said...

Oh, I'm here. Like a rabid tick.
I just made that up, and I realize it makes no sense, but hopefully it got my point across. :)
I'm here.

Sodapop said...

Giiiiirrrrrlllll I would so kick that ex's ass for you for pulling that crap she did yesterday.

But ya know what? Better her than you. Better SHE be the one making all this evil and hateful shit come to pass. It's not on you. That's on her.

And I'm sorry you have to sit and wait. I wish there was something I could do for you.

Just keep typing and I'll keep reading.


I'm sometimes still mad at Todd for up and dying on me. I feel abandoned some days and it's been over four years. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I did the probate stuff for both of my parents (who died w/in 14 months of each other) and I couldn't believe how long all that mess took - and they had wills, too! And, I have a college education - I'm not really sure how someone less educated than myself could figure out those forms. I actually had to go in the office and have them explain it all to me. So frustrating! I feel your pain on that part of it.

Hang in there - things WILL get better.

Beautiful Mess said...

i didn't have to deal with as much as you're having to deal with when my mom died. But I do know that handing money to people becuase my mom was dead or having them call me for money becuase my mom is dead, made me feel dirty. I didn't like it one bit and it pissed me off too. You shouldn't be going through this right now and it makes me sick to my stomach that you are.

Sending you lots of love and peace, hon!

BeautifulWreck said...

You may be unaware of this but you may not be liable for his medical bills, if you are, as long as you pay $10 a month (do not commit to anymore than that and do not agree to sign any payment agreement)there is nothing they can do to you. Nothing. They can threaten to send you to collections, they can write you nasty letters, and act like assholes but they can't do anything as long as you pay the $10 a month, every month. (yes I have experience with this...LOL)

I think it sucks that you cannot receive any help or support as a young widow. That is awful. I've helped take care of six estates (my entire family has literally died on me) and some were easier than others. I hope that this settles for you soon.

See See So Me said...

kim~~i KNOW how the fucking booreaucracy is is such a painful hard thing to do~~

just do your best not to let it overwhelm you(i know easier said than done)

it will take a long time(sorry)~that way lawyers get more money(that's my thoughts)

know you can always call on me anytime, day or night

seriously. i mean that! i know where you are coming from darling times fucking 2!!

LOVIN7 said...

There's an old saying "God doesn't give us more then we can handle" but sometimes ya have to question that. I'm sure the last 4 months have made you wonder. I am always here for you Cozzie. ((HUGS))

Elaina M. Avalos said...

I am so sorry you're going through this on top of dealing with that big, fat, hairy SOB Grief!! I know you feel like this could break you. won't break. I know it may be hard to believe now...but you'll get through this. Just keep pushing forward. After you have six margaritas. ;)

Momza said...

Everyone is giving you great advice. Since I've never gone thru this experience before, I appreciate you laying it out like it really is...the shock and horror of losing my husband would send me over the edge in and of itself---I can only imagine the rest of this would do me in.
My only words of comfort are these:

"this too shall pass"...trials come and go and in the end it's how we handle them that matters most. Someday you will look back on this and be amazed at how strong you really are...and you are.
P.S. I don't come here for sunshiney-stuff...I come here because your words make me want to be better.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kim. I have never commented here before. I found you through blogher@home when your lovely dogs were Internet whores. Hahaha.
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I have been in a similar situation when my dad and brothers died. My mom was not dealing with anything, I was. It was the worst time of my life. Oh yeah that and the unbearable grief and suffering I was experiencing. The house, the bills, the everything. All I can say is deal with what you can, when you can. Remember to take care of yourself. I know there are no words in the world that can soothe your soul, just know you will survive. You say you don't feel stronger now, just wait you will.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Hon. I don't have the words. I watched my mom go through this with my dad, a retired policeman. The FOP promised her money from a widow fund. Never happened. The city promised her assistance. Didn't happen. It was horrible to watch. And then when my uncle died and his siblings fought over his window AC unit. I shit you not. Death, for some reason, brings out the worst in some people. I'm sorry and wish I could make the probate court process faster.