Monday

4 months

Today is the 20th. According to the calendar, it's been 4 months.

According to the calendar, 4 months ago today I had to make the decision to take my best friend, my husband, my lover, my pal, my best sparring partner, my everything, my heart, off of life support. And even though we talked about it just like all couples do because we thought it would never happen to us, it happened.

According to the calendar, it did. And I'm mad and sad and all messed up and filled with something that I don't have a name for but that is now a part of me that I don't want. I want my husband. I want my friend. I want my life back.

According to the calendar, I have been a widow for 4 months.

If you went by my heart and mind, it's been a lifetime.




I miss you G.

I have you in my heart.

But I want you here with me.

17 comments:

Lynda said...

This is the type of wound that never really heals. Let me know if you ever need someone to talk to.

Anonymous said...

I was here. What else could I say? I guess nothing that would matter.-CreekRat

ms s n b said...

i remember with dh#1, the month that i realized i hadn't thought about his dying on THAT DAY, and how happy/sad i was that i was no longer counting the days, months,

i wish i had something to tell you that makes it all better kim

but i don't

it f**king sucks

even though it doesn't ever get easy, it does get where it is bearable, sorta of, kind of

Janelle said...

Awww, sending you blogger hugs. Wish it was more.

Coloradolady said...

Kim, I am with you, how unfair. Nothing can replace the love of your life, no matter what you try and do.

Four months is not a long time....it may feel like it is, but it is not....it will take much more time to heal these wounds.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Thinking of you, hon, and hoping like hell peace will come soon for you.

Beautiful Mess said...

Sending you lots of love and holding you close to my heart.
*HUGS*

Momza said...

I'm so sorry. You honor us by sharing your grief...perhaps you could do something today that the two of us used to enjoy...maybe grill his favorite kind of meat, or eat at his favorite restaurant with friends, watch his favorite show or listen to his favorite cd...I don't know, just a thought.
He was blessed to have you.

TexasRaceLady said...

Kimmers, I wish I had a time machine so I could take you back and let you do things over.

I know you want Greg's physical presence back, and if I could I'd give him to you.

But know this, you haven't lost him. The body may be gone, but as long as you remember him, he is with you --- inside, where it counts.

You're making progress, sweetie.

(((HUGS)))

Sodapop said...

Love you chica!!! *hugs*

sybil law said...

:(

xoxoxo

Monique said...

I don't know what to say, other than **hugs**.

Maria @BOREDmommy said...

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish I could do something for you that would help you. On your behalf, I would like to officially tell today and every other 20th, of every month from here on in, to GO SUCK A LEMON. (And now I'm hugging the crap out of you).

DutchBitch said...

Hey Girl, having never been through this I won't say I can imagine how you feel, because I can (tho I imagine it's the worst heartache I've ever felt x gazillion and more). I can just offer you hugs and smooches and saying that I am thinking about you x

LOVIN7 said...

((HUGS)) to Cozzie.

LV said...

I understand your loss. I lost mine in 1995, and I still miss things we shared together. However, I would not want him back to suffer. Time is the best the best thing you have going for you in this situation. May youo find peace in knowing others understand.

BeautifulWreck said...

Kim, what a beautiful picture of you and your husband. I am new here and met you on blogher@home. I am very sorry you have lost your husband and bestfriend.