Tuesday

Why?

  • Why us??
  • Why me??
  • Why did he fall and hit his head and not me? Why wasn't I there to catch him, instead of brushing my frigging teeth?
  • Why didn't I know it was bad?
  • Why did he laugh it off and be excited about his black eye?
  • Why didn't Natasha Richardson die the week before so I would know what "talk and die" syndrome was?
  • Why didn't I take him to the hospital even though I know he wouldn't let me?
  • Why was the cut only about a 1/4 inch long?? YOU CAN'T DIE FROM THAT!!!
  • Why couldn't I fix it?
  • Why didn't I MAKE HIM STOP DRINKING?
  • Why wouldn't he?
  • And why am I drinking enough for the both of us now?
  • Why is it my fault?
  • Why do I want it to be?
  • Why do I feel fine one second and not the next?
  • Why is my guilt like a river, calm in one spot and raging the next?
  • Why wasn't it someone else's turn to die?
  • Why does everyone tell me it will get better? Do they know?
  • Why do I even ask?
  • Why am I still here? I was a bad wife and a bad friend.
  • Why couldn't I save him?
  • Why is my life going on , when his can't?
  • Why can't anyone answer me?
  • And if they did, why couldn't they help?
  • Why is there only one person whose word I take as gold, when I have so many friends?
  • What the hell is wrong with me?
  • Why can't I catch a freaking break??
Why did this.......



.....turn into this???





Welcome to my personal hell. These are what 90% of my thoughts are made up of these days. No wonder I have nothing. Nothing but Grief and Dr. Lecter.

In the words of the song....Oh yes, I'm the Great Pretender.

15 comments:

Beautiful Mess said...

I'm sorry hon, I wish, SO badly, that I had the answers to ALL your questions. I really do! A virtual hug just doesn't seem right or enough. Please know I'm sending you all the live I've got right now!

GeekByMarriage said...

Oh honey! I wish I had even one answer to those questions. I wish they didn't have to be asked at all.
I wish there were a way to take all this hurt from you and smother you in a blanket of pure love.

*Super Hug*

Lynda said...

My sister was 25 years old when we lost her to non-smoking related lung cancer. It hasn't been an easy journey without her. There are still hard times for me, even after almost 4 years. Right now, you are at the phase where you wonder if you can ever stop crying. And I could tell you that it does get better. You never forget, but you learn to adapt.

Are you open to the idea of grief counseling? I did that a little after my sister died.

Everything you are asking yourself seems normal to me. It doesn't make it any easier though. Please email me if you want someone to talk to. I can't say that I understand what you are going through, but I can relate from my own experience.

Coloradolady said...

Kim, first of all, there was nothing you could do about the drinking. Nothing. You can not make someone not drink. It is their choice and you really have no control over it.

It is not your fault. No matter what happened or did not happen, it was just his time....that sucks...but it is the truth. Don't blame yourself my friend....it is not your fault.

I think about you everyday....and pray for some peace for you. Take care.

Blondefabulous said...

All I got are hugs babe. Use them any time you want.

Bubblewench said...

Oh darlin. You bring me to tears. There is nothing I can say that will make any of this better. Just know that I love you, I'm here and sending you big big hugs.

Monique said...

Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going through this ... I went to counseling while I was getting divorced. Nowhere near the same situation but it helped tremendously. I'm sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.

LOVIN7 said...

I am SO sorry you are suffering so much Cozzie and I wish I could take away your pain. If putting all these thoughts and feelings in your blog for us to read helps YOU, then go for it and remember we are here for you ((HUGS))

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Asking all those questions is part of Dr. Lecter's game with you. No one can answer them. No one can answer them on a GOOD day for a NORMAL (non-grieving) person.

NONE of us were married to saints.
NONE of us were perfect wives.
MANY of us had SERIOUS issues in our marriages.
But he gets sainted when he dies, and you get to deal with all the doody.
Or, he gets blamed for dying, but who cares, he's not here to take it. Maybe he WOULD apologize. But he's not here.
YOU ARE. And YOU matter to many people.

I HAVE been there, and I can guarantee you it WILL get better. But I can't say if the things that worked for me will work for you.

Some things that always work:
Taking care of your body.
Getting professional help.
Being with people who love you.
Being alone sometimes but NOT too often.
Going for a walk.

But it sucks, and it ain't easy. It will get easier but... THE ONLY WAY OUT IS THROUGH.

The fact that you are writing shows that you have one tool that works to give momentary peace (or something). So find some more. Take care. And write/tweet if you ever need someone new.

You're beautiful and you WILL survive.

X

Supa

Big Pissy said...

Kim,

I don't know what to say other than I am SO sorry you're going through this unbearable pain.

hard hugs,
Pissy

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

Hon, I don't have the answers for you. I've wondered every day for the last 11 years why I took my father's extreme personality changes and sudden, severe headaches as "his aging" when it was actually a brain tumor. A tumor that bled when he was placed on blood thinners. A tumor that killed him.

I don't have the answers to those questions, either. But, I can tell you, definitively, that your river will straighten, and calm, and the rough patches will only show up a couple of times a year. And it will get better.

And don't you dare feel guilty. Don't you dare.

Sending you much love.

TexasRaceLady said...

Kimmers, I've asked those questions for the last 20yrs about my mom.

You are NOT any different from anyone else who has suffered a loss. The fact that you are thinking these thoughts, proves that you working your way through this. Believe me, it won't happen overnight, or next month, or even next year.

It WILL get easier to live with. You WILL be less likely to dissolve into a meltdown.

You have a lot of company in your personal hell. Every human being on Earth is there --- at one time or another. You WILL climb out -- you are tougher than you think you are.

We are all Great Pretenders.

Pipper said...

I wish I could just stop and give you a million hugs right now.

sybil law said...

xoxoxoxoxox!

Black Hockey Jesus said...

That's a rough post. That juxtaposition of his picture and his stone is very powerful. I'm sorry that you're going through this. What a crazy long list of effed up questions to have to grapple with.