Playing hooky...

I'm playing hooky from widow school tonight. Yes, I'm a bad widow. It just wasn't in me to go sit in a group of people who feel as bad or perhaps worse than me and "hug it out". Not that we actually do a lot of hugging, I just needed a metaphor for how it makes me feel. I was tired and whiny from two days of retail customer hell and just could not do it. So I stopped by Whole Foods and fixed myself an antipasta tray for dinner, got some warm french bread , flavored olive oil and a bottle of wine. Then I stopped at Best Buy and splurged on David J's new limited edition box set. By 5 pm I was bathed and in a pair of Greg's pajamas, sitting in his chair with a 78 pound puppy trying to crawl in my lap, watching my favorite weatherman. This is what I wanted to do. So I did it. Bad widow.

I had a pretty good weekend with my friends, but it was alwaysrighthere waiting. It. Oh and him. Dr. Lecter made an appearance in the pool Saturday afternoon while I was sitting with my friends and they just held me and tried to help. It was only for a few minutes but damn, why did I let him get to me???? Jerk.

I took lots of pics and drank lots of blue waboritas and danced and got lots of sun and laughed a lot and heard how I was missed and caught up on gossip and I actually felt good for awhile (bigtime run on sentence I know get over it! ;) ). And I am glad I went, even though now I have some guilt about it and. But I went, and that's one way of healing, and guilt is supposedly natural, and normal. It sure does suck though.

But the whole time I felt like I was playing hooky. I had this nagging feeling in my head that I should be sitting at home wearing a black veil and sobbing around an 8x10 and a candle. I don't know why. I just did. And that is so not me. Drinking 10 or so blue waboritas while sitting in a huge salt water pool with 80's music and my closest friends is so me...so I let it be me for the weekend. And I hope that being me starts to come without the guilty interest rate. Oh I will never be me again, because that me is gone. She went away on March 20th of this year, never to return.

I kind of have a new me now. Notice she's not in italics. I am not quite sure where she belongs or where she should go or what she is going to do. I just know she's here now, and she's the new Kim. This Kim lives minute by minute, kinda like the old one, but this time with an additional helping of cautious pessimism. I hope a little of the old Kim comes along for the ride, cause wherever she's playing hooky, I sure do miss her.

I won't bore yall with alot of pictures.....but here's the link to my gallery... Girls Hard Rock Weekend 2009.....


WhoStoleMyZen?! said...

I'm glad you went and had a weekend away with the girls. You needed it. And no worries, while you're at ConFab, we'll be sure to keep Dr. Lecter at bay. There will be too much drunken debauchery and karaoke! Can't wait to see ya!

TexasRaceLady said...

Sounds like you had a good time.
Sorry Lecter showed his ugly face. But at least you had your BFFs there to help you fight him off.

I had this nagging feeling in my head that I should be sitting at home wearing a black veil and sobbing around an 8x10 and a candle.

Not in a million years, Kimmy. You have a life to live, girlfriend. It may not be as wonderful and perfect as you had envisioned, but you can't give up.

I'm glad you went.

Beautiful Mess said...

The "old" Kim and the "new" Kim will come together. I promise you they will. There will be times and glimpses of who you were before Greg died and they will be mixed in with who you are now. I wish (SO MUCH) I could wave my magic wand and have it all be different, but I can't. You did a good thing this weekend. It's good for you to be with your friends and people who love you. You're doing a really good job, hon. I don't think you're a "bad widow" for not going tonight. Sometimes you just aren't feelin it and that is OK!

Kim said...

WhoStoleMyZen - I'm glad I went as well, and I can't wait for yall to kick Dr L's butt in Kentucky !!

TRL - ((hugs)) I know, someone stole my near-perfect life. I wuz robbed.

Beautiful Mess - Thanks, and I wish you did have a magic wand ! All of our lives would be the better for it !

LOVIN7 said...

I'm glad you decided to go to your weekend away too. It was good for you to be around good friends. I can't picture you with a black veil either. Keep fighting Lector and one day he'll disappear entirely. ((BIG HUGS))

Bubblewench said...

I am so glad you went and had fun.

Eventually Lecter will find someone else to torture.