Out-thinking Myself.....

Lately I have been doing what Gregory called "out-thinking myself". I take things that are so obsolete , they really mean nothing, then turning them over and over in my mind til I think they may be a big deal.

I get frustrated easily now. I panic under pressure. If traffic is bad and I think I'll be one second late to work I start going "omgimgonnagetfiredmovegogettheFoutofmyway!!!"
It's like I've become a manic rabbit. I am a prisoner in my own head, which sometimes will.not.shut.the.heck.up. And then it plays scenes from the Horror Movie that is March on a loop. Not On Demand. This is so not me.

Take a few weeks ago......I went to two different venues with new friends that had dancing, alcohol and karaoke. I could have made a complete and total idiot of myself and no one would have been the wiser. But I did not dance. I did not karaoke. I did not do any of these things Sam I Am. I did do Sam, Adams that is. It is highly unlike me not to dance or make a feeble attempt at song. Unlike the new me. The old hussy would have been all over that stage and dance floor, many times over. And now I wish I had, but then I get the old "why should I be having fun when he can't" thought. Thanks Brain.

Several people have suggested that I "take something." What, a lobotomy? I have made it almost 40 years without "taking anything." I never needed to, I have a roof over my head, friends, a great family that loves me. The only thing missing is my husband. And nothing anyone can prescribe me is gonna make him come back, or quell the voice inside me that asks "why" and "noooo" and keep Dr. Lecter from coming by. But if anything gives me the right to medication, I guess it's having the love of your life ripped away like so much velcro.

And unless I just go totally over the deep end ? I don't think I want to "take something." I want to feel all of this. I want it to be here now, so in a few years when I wasn't "taking something" it didn't come back tenfold. It will never go away. It gets better, from what I've been told, but it never leaves you.

I'm probably out-thinking myself on this whole thing too. Would "taking something" make it better? I don't know. I'm just not ready to find out.


TexasRaceLady said...

KImmers, don't you dare "take something." As you said, it could come back and haunt you even worse.

You are feeling guilty as hell --

Guilt that you are alive
Guilt that you can enjoy life
Guilt that you can enjoy good food
Guilt that you can have a cold beer
Guilt that you can get in the car and go places
Guilt that you have friends to talk to
Guilt that you can get on your mower and smell new-cut grass

It does get better, Kim, I promise. Right now you're caught in the loop of "why wasn't it me, I'm glad it wasn't me." So, you feel guilt.

You did it right Thursday when you went to the game and had a hell of a time. The old hussy that I know and love came out. She's still there and she'll come out.

The hurt and loss is still fresh and raw. It's beginning to heal, but it will take time.

Keep talking, Kim.

Sodapop said...

Don't beat yourself up for thinking about things so much. It happens. We're humans.

Over the last four years, I've found myself going back to the anger and asking why and wishing things were different.

Before I thought of "taking something" I put myself in grief counseling and was in it for almost a year.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, do what you have to and need to do to learn how to live with the loss. In my opinion, you're doing great!


sybil law said...

I think you're doing just fine. It's quite natural to be going through everything you're going through - and taking something only numbs you - the actual pain (unfortunately) won't just go away.
You have the right attitude - and I think you're just fine.
When you're not - I have a good shoulder.

Beautiful Mess said...

I was told to take something, as well. I was also told to go talk to someone. I didn't and don't want to take anything. All it'll do is put me in a fog, more so then I was, and make life THAT much more difficult. I did go see someone, but I faked my way through that, so that didn't help. The only think that helped was time. And of course, the support from my family and my friends. They allowed me the room to get comfortable in the new me. Sometimes it takes me for a loop, but on the whole it isn't so bad.

I did the anxiety thing to. Up until a few months ago, I would FREAK out if I didn't know every detail of our outing. If we strayed from our plan, I'd have to tell myself that I'll be home soon and everything will be better.

It's a process you have to go through, in your own time. Nobody can make you go through it. Nobody can do it for you. It's all you, baby! You can and you WILL do it, in your own time. Feeling everything IS important. It hurts and it sucks, but it IS important.

You're doing a really good job. I'm not just saying that, either. I truly think you're doing a really great job. It isn't easy, I can imagine. But your a smart woman who loves her husband. And it shows.

Blondefabulous said...

You don't have to "Take" anything.... except your time dealing with your grief. Pills aren't the answer, good friends, time, and laughter is.

Hugs honey. Come visit me in Sarasota sometime for some sun & sand Therapy!

LOVIN7 said...

It will all work out in time Cozzie. ((HUGS))

Supa Dupa Fresh said...

Kim, I don't know you well enough from your blog to know if you are depressed and need some chemical support, but IF you are, I thought I'd share some of my personal journey with you:

For me, depression did not mean I felt things more intensely, like the darker feelings. Rather, depression dampens all your moods. I believe m depression was a sort of self-medication that my body created to get me out of crazy-making situations in my early life. And it worked!

But, with the depression lifted by drugs and therapy, I felt happier when I was happy, and sadder when I was sad. Yes, the sword cuts both ways. But emotions are real. You know this, and your emotions DO help you heal. But meds used today do NOT interfere with your ability to feel. Removing depression ENHANCES your ability to feel, and to deal with the insights that come out of your life.

Yes, I learned a lot through therapy, but without the medication, I don't think I would have been strong enough to deal with the feelings (esp now that they felt STRONGER). Therefore I made more progress with the combination of meds and talk.

For those who care about numbers, clinical studies have demonstrated over and over again that combining these tools tends to offer the best results for the most people.

YAMMV. Feel free to write me offline (address on my blog) if you'd like to discuss.



P.S. Nothing will "make it better." He's gone and that fucking sucks. What your friends want is for you to grieve and cope and eventually be in a better place and "taking something" may make it easier for you to DO THAT WORK (but they won't do the work for you). It's gonna hurt! Hell, it already hurts.

If your brain is lacking a few little minor chemicals in certain combinations, what's wrong with helping them get back on track gently?

Bubblewench said...

I don't think you need to take anything. I think you are just going through the natural progression of grief and all that crap that comes with it.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

You do whatever you feel is best for you. If you don't want to take anti-depressants? Then don't. And the over-thinking and all the rest of what you're feeling will pass. Just give it time.

I think you're doing remarkably well. Even if you do decide to go on a crying jag. As long as you're still upright? You're doing good.