Life is made up of movements.

We move forward, backward , up, down, sideways. We are constantly in flux, whether good or bad, movement is constant and reliable. Whether we like it or not.

My dad moves up and down in his chair, trying to ease the comfort that chemo rages on his cancer-ridden body. My mother moves around in her own way, trying to keep her body and mind busy in a vain attempt to ward off the impending movement of widowhood that washes over her like the waves that have already overtaken her daughter.

I move occasionally. Chasing these crazy dogs around. I get out of bed and go to work. I move around this yard we loved to work in as a team, except now I'm on my own. My mind moves all day, positive , negative, pretending to be happy, actually being happy, then moving to try to find a place, some happy medium, where I can be happy without moving into guilt.

Life, time, traffic, kids, friends, family, pets.

Everything moves.

I'm getting ready to move too. Eventually I will sell this house we lived in and move somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't ours, but mine. And I'm ok with that. G liked this house, but his heart, and his home, were at the lake.

G is moving. What little puff of ashes that are left in that box and the beautiful stone that marks it will soon be at a place that he would have wanted, in a beautiful marble urn, in a place where he was happy, loved and should have been all along. I should have put him there in the first place, but I tried to have a heart and give the people that have now turned against me, against us,a place to go. But now, he will move to a place he loved. It is as it should be.

But I have learned in these last 6 months, that wherever I am moving, G is moving with me. Not just in the remnants of his ashes that are under my skin, or the ones I carry with me, but in my heart and soul.

So I am ready for the movements. It's almost like being a kid again, learning to surf in the waves off the coast of Bali or Phuket.... the movement beneath you may be initially terrifying, but you learn to master the flow and wash ashore, ready to ride again...... and I think I'm ready.... : )


Bubblewench said...

Beautiful post Kim. Yes, he will always be with you.

Glad to hear you got the ninjas to get him like you wanted.... so he could be where he wanted.

Anonymous said...

Go Kim!!! And yes, always always always with you.


Robin said...

Such a great post, Kim. He will always be with you....always!


Robin :o)

LOVIN7 said...

Sounds like you are making baby steps toward your "new" life although it will never be as perfect as your former life with G. ((HUGS))

TexasRaceLady said...

Great post, Kim. Absolutely great.

As L7 said, you are making steps, maybe small ones, but you are headed in the right direction.

That light at the end of the tunnel is NOT a train.

G is with you, will always be with you.


Elizabeth said...

That was a great post and I'm so happy for you and for G, that he'll finally be at rest where you and he would want him to be.

If you don't know it already, I'm telling you now. No matter how many lows you've been through or how many times you've had to vent and cry, you are still inspirational. I can't imagine living life with a spirit and soul as strong as yours. Your blog helps more than just you. :)


Beautiful Mess said...

I love this post! Absolutely love it. You're right, G is ALWAYS with you.

Lisa said...

So well put, he will always be with you. Beautiful post. Thought I was done crying for the day...maybe not.