Monday

I knew.

My life now seems to go into some sort of cycle.

It's like there's a very defined line that splits the center of my life, my days, nights and moments into two very specific lots.

Let's just say it's like Before Death and After Death.

B - I would be up rolling, already packed and ready to go to the lake on a holiday weekend.
A - I stay in bed the whole weekend and shuffle from the media room to the kitchen to the bathroom. The only glimpses of the outside I see are when I let the dogs out.
B - home football game? Packed the week before, ready to go, full tailgate menu prepped and ready.
A - barely watched game on TV. Tickets sit unopened in season ticket packaging.
B - Would already have fall / Halloween decor out and house looking sharp and ready to partay.
A - If I already had Halloween candy bought? Would have eaten it all by now.
B - Would arrive at work 15 or more minutes early, make-up, hair, well pressed clothes.
A - Lucky if I make it on time with sunglasses and underwear on.
B - House immaculate and not one thing out of place.
A - The dog destroys a pillow? So what? I may vacuum it. in 2010. Sometimes I leave clothes in dryer and dishes in the dishwasher for days.
B - My car? You could eat off of the floorboards.
A - Lucky if it has half a tank of gas and has been washed in the last 2 weeks.
B - I wouldn't leave the house to go to Publix w/o being dressed and ready to go other places.
A - I'll show up at Buffalo Wild Wings in my pajama bottoms, an old t-shirt of G's and a hat.
B - checked the mail everyday. 
A - It sits there til it starts to rain. Then  I remember mailbox leaks and I go get it. Wet? I don't care.
B - I gave a shit about people's problems.
A - Now ? fuck you. live my life.

But yanno what that last thing said to me?? 

I'm a HYPOCRITE. 

A big freaking whiny ass woe is me HYPOCRITE. I bitched all this past weekend because I didn't feel good. I was hot. I was cold. I was fevery and sneezy and weak and wah wah wah I didn't have anyone to tend to me and I live so GD far ( 20 minutes) from my SUPPOSED real life friends and none of them would come comfort me because geez who wants to be around a widow? I might be contagious! Come see me and DEATH could find your little family. 

Meanwhile, people's babies are dying and husbands and wives and moms and dads and brothers and sisters are leaving us and people's marriages are breaking up and all kinds of other stuff is going down, but as usual, IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME. Heaven forbid I need comfort, support, love.

Why do yall read this? Don't you get tired of listening to me bitch about my dead husband? 

He's not coming back. Yall knew it long before me, but you're still here. 
I didn't know it.

As recently as a few days ago, I heard the a/c kick on while I was napping on the couch and started to get up because I thought he was opening the garage door.

When they were stuffing that tube down his throat through those beautiful soft lips I had kissed so many times? I didn't know it. They all did. But I didn't. 

When those frigging beep-beep-beep puff up and down machines were keeping him alive?? I didn't know it. 

When the only thing that was keeping color in his skin was the IV's they changed out every few hours? I didn't know it.

When I had to sign the frigging DNR papers even though I knew he had a living will ? I didn't know it. 

When the organ donor people came in and talked to me and I basically uh-huhd my way through the conversation while all the while thinking that I needed to cut his fingernails cause he would be oh so pissed if he woke up and his nails looked funky? I didn't know it.

I went all Sally Field Steel Magnolias on his ass and read to him, talked to him,combed his hair, trimmed his nails, put lotion on his feet and legs and hands, brushed his teeth around that GD tube in his mouth, put chap stick on his poor dried out hospital dead lips, laid in bed with him and held him, split the iPod headphones with him and sang along to our favorite songs, and only left him to go to the bathroom or when they made me, just for a second, cause THEY KNEW. 

I KNEW TOO. I AM A LIAR.

I knew he was gone. I knew he would never come home with me or sing to me or hold me or kiss me or call me Kimbo again. 

I just couldn't face it. DENIED it. This wasn't what he promised me. This is not our life. He was supposed to take me to a tropical paradise for my BD and we were supposed to have the cutest baby ever and tailgate and go skiing in the Poconos and all of the plans we talked about like we had soooo much time.

And you know what really just chaps my ass? He hit his damn head ! That hard ass stubborn head of his. One tiny cut. A butterfly bandage. And underneath? What would kill him. Why didn't I know ? Why wouldn't whoever the hell is in charge around here let me fix him?

I don't know how I face it now. He's in a damn nice ass expensive jar on the dresser in our bedroom . Some of his ashes are in a tattoo on the back of my neck. I carry some of them with me and laugh about it with people I have never met and am afraid I won't have anything to talk to about.  He's dead and he's never coming back and I just can't make myself believe that this has happened to me and that it's really true.

I post about dogs and baseball and more stupid shit like books and football and for just a moment, I'm not drowning in the quicksand of sadness and grief and death and being so frigging alone you never knew it was that possible to be disconnected from the people that amass this planet.

I knew. 

I lied to myself. I lied to everyone. 

I'm a hypocrite. 

And I want my Before Death life back.

And I know I'm not gonna get it.

And it sucks.

And I hate myself for being a hypocrite phony weak-ass whiney about it. 

17 comments:

CanCan (Mom Most Traveled) said...

Thank you so much for sharing your true self. I don't think you have anything to feel guilty or embarrassed about.
Losing a loved one is never how you would have imagined it to be like.
My father in law was terminally ill for 4 years. During that time my MIL would make comments about her big plans she would go through with after he died (she loved him, they were married from teens, but they were very different. She talked about going to travel, spending money, etc...all things HE didn't enjoy). But when he did die? She was and still is swimming in grief. It has been 4 years. She never carried out all of her big "AD" dreams. I think the reality of him being gone is too real and raw. After 3 years of him being gone, she said to me, "I knew I would miss him, but I didn't know it would get worse."

You just keep on. You are doing it. You are.

DutchBitch said...

All I can say is "don't be so hard on yourself". You are a great person and nobody expects you to put this dead husband stuff aside just like that (and if anyone does, I hope to God they don't find out what it is like the hard way).

Everyone whines at times.And yes, we all know that there's bigger shit happening out there. But this is what is happening to you, right now.

So cut yourself some slack, dear... You deserve it!

Sodapop said...

Ahhh Kim. Lighten up on yourself. You are allowed to feel every single, solitary emotion you are experiencing. Allow yourself to feel that. It's part of the grief journey that ONLY YOU can experience.

Our grief journeys are so very different than everyone else's.

I think it fucking rocks that you talk about him so much. I think it's beautiful the way you keep his memory alive in your heart. And if I lived closer, I would have come comfort your sick ass AND watched football with you.

All that other stuff? It will fall into place. When you're ready. You will know when you are ready. No one else can MAKE you ready for any of this.

You are stronger than you realize. You share your life with us, total strangers and you share G with us in a beautiful, loving way.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and remember to breathe. You'll find your way.

*hugs*

Blondefabulous said...

I come back. Every day. Just know I come back. I read. I'm that quiet chick in the corner who listens to everyone no matter what. I just wish I was as strong as you are. Honestly, I really do. If I lost HHH, I just might cease to exist, but that wouldn't be possible because my kids would need me. I know you'll find a better day..... I can hear it in your writing. Give yourself a break. You totally deserve it.

I'll always listen.
{hugs}

So Not Wishy Washy said...

I'm calling bullshit on this one. You're no hypocrite. You're dealing with the Loss of the Century FOR YOU.

Are there other people dealing with loss and disbelief as well? Sure. BUT do not discount your loss, anger, and pain just because there are others out there.

If you readily accepted G's imminent death when he was in the hospital, it wouldn't have been the genuine YOU. You wanted to have faith and time with G. So what? Good for you.

I did the very same things when ny Dad was in the hospice ward at the University of Virginia. I knew he was dying but there was NO WAY IN HELL anyone was going to stop me from doing many of the same things YOU DID FOR G.

Stop punishing yourself.
Strap in for the long haul.
Make sure you have whatever tangible comforts around that will help.
And lean on us in Bloggy Land when you can't seem to do the same with real life peeps.

I'll say it again: You are stronger than you know.

You may not want to hear that - but it's true. And we DO want to hear, see, and know of the road you're on. Don't ever think otherwise.

Robin said...

Kim, everybody above me has already said it all! This is YOUR journey and you should deal with it however it works for YOU! Don't worry about what everyone else thinks!

((((((HUGS))))))

Robin :o)

TexasRaceLady said...

Kim, you are not a hypocrite. You knew that G wasn't coming home, but something like that is so hard to logically accept.

This post of yours is a good thing. You've let out a lot of shit that you've been holding inside. That's a big step forward toward healing.

Reality sucks --- big time. Even after 20yrs, I still feel the urge to call my mom just to hear her voice. My dad's ashes are in my stepmom's home --- sometimes it jolts me to realize that he's not coming back.

You go right ahead and whine. The emotions and feelings are still raw, but they are healing.

I know I'm not close enough to run over for a visit, but please know that I'm with you. We are connected -- we've been cyber friends too long.

(((HUGS)))

LOVIN7 said...

Coz: You just WHINE and CRY and YELL all you want and we will be here to listen to you. It has to help you to put it here for us to read, and if that's all I can do for you then so be it. I am here for you always, so rant away all you want.

((HUGS))

sybil law said...

I don't think there's a limit on how or for how long you want something. nor do I find it hypocritical to wish something was different.
You're fine. Honestly. If I DIDN'T like what you had to say, or who you were, I wouldn't come here.
You can't get rid of me that easily!
Oh, and if I lived nearby, I would TOTALLY bring you stuff when you're sick.
xoxo

thepsychobabble said...

There's no limit on how long you get to grieve. You take the time that you need to mourn what is an unexpected and devastating loss.
No one gets to give you a deadline on that.

HEATHER said...

I know that you are angry but I want you to look at this in a different way.
What if you were supposed to meet the Mann, but only supposed to have a few years with him? What if this tragic ending was written by God on the day he first breathed and nothing you could have done could have prevented it, because it was God's time for him to go? Have you ever allowed yourself to think that?
I am not trying to flame you or be hard on you or be a bitch, but I want to offer you a different way to look at his death. It's not your fault. In so many of your posts you seem to place the blame on yourself. Honey there wasn't anything in the world you could have done to prevent it. You have got to stop being so hard on yourself.
And if you want to go to Wild Wings in your pj's you won't hear me say a word. I won't tell you how many times I've gone through Hardee's drive thru in my pj's for breakfast. I will be praying for you. God Bless!
((((HUGS))))

Kim said...

Thanks yall. : )

This blog, and the fact that yall talk to me about my feelings is the ultimate healing.

Thank you all so much. I love you....and TRL, you're right - we've been friends for so long, like Franny and Lovin7 and all of my new blog friends.....my faith and love for my internet friends never wavers and is never questioned!

Anonymous said...

Kim,
I've been away and am just catching up. I keep coming back because you inspire me. Your spirit is inspiration for me. We all have our own struggles. Whatever each of us are dealing with is our own life. A death of a spouse or an illness of a child or a move across country or a hard day--we all have to figure out how to deal with whatever is on our plate. You, though, are so real and beautiful and full of spirit in your dealing with it...well, I just can't stay away. I know you are doing heavy work but you will be ok and all of us are here to cheer you on.

(((hugs)))

BeautifulWreck said...

You are living this life for you and no one else. No matter how you grieve, how long it takes, etc is up to you.You are on a journey, don't rush it.

insertwittytitleheremomstired said...

Kim, I just wanted you to know that I love your blog. There's just something so amazing with your truthfulness and how you share with us the pain you're going through. You are keeping G alive with this blog and all of your emotions. You should never feel guilty for how you feel or what you've written. This is your place to work through what you can however you deem fit. Keep writing and we'll keep reading.

Bubblewench said...

You are so far from being a whiner, liar or hypocrite.

As long as you need/want to write about your pain and your process dealing with it, I'll be here to read it.

Cause I love you now. And that's the best I can offer you.

Lynda said...

If you read my blog from October 2005 until...well, even now, there are so many posts about my sister. I felt so alone, and many of your feelings are what I felt to.

Sure, it's a different relationship, but I can understand what you are going through. I am pretty sure the first year after my sister died, all I did was sit on the couch and watch TV, when I didn't have to drag my ass out of bed to go to work.

You aren't a hypocrite. You just need time to adjust. Some things you use to do will happen again over time, and other things will change forever.