What a week...

I am very conflicted about this week.

I will feel happy, sad, guilty, every emotion you can think of.

In this week, my parents will celebrate their 42nd wedding anniversary.

I will turn 40 , and celebrate with friends on the 5 month mark of the death of my beloved.

The dog that Gregory wanted so badly and is such a comfort to me now will be a year old on Saturday.

I'm excited to see my friends, but I'm also mad.

I'm mad that I'm not checking into the all-inclusive resort with Gregory to celebrate my birthday.

I feel guilty about celebrating getting another year older when he will never have another birthday , ever.

I'm jealous of my parent's having the luck to spend 42 years with the person they love when I will never have that, but so happy and proud of them at the same time. And I feel guilt for the jealousy.

I'm sad because this will probably be the last one they will celebrate before the effing gd s-o-b cancer takes my Daddy away forever.

And I'm scared because I don't know if I can take losing my husband and my daddy, and I don't know if I'll be able to be strong enough to help my mom.

And even though I'm excited and tweeting about #kimberday and all that, deep down?

I'm terrified.

And the one person who could make it all better is never. coming. back.

And I'm mad as hell about it.


Bubblewench said...

Leaving a comment so you know I was here. I know our visit will never ever even come close to what should be, but I hope that you at least find some joy with us. :)

cause we love you.

Anonymous said...

Yep, life sux sometimes. That tonight, on my CC shift, I will prob talk to several people with life stories with similar situations, the recent loss of my dear friend to suicide, your situation all remind me. As much as we miss the ones we've lost, we should still cherish those we have while we can. I feel your pain but you must bear it. Hopefully, in bearing it, you will become ever stronger as you go.


BeautifulWreck said...

Sometimes there are not enough rocks but often it helps to throw them.


TexasRaceLady said...

Kim, feeling guilty about your birthday --- I'm now older than my mother was when she died, so I share your guilt. She's been gone 20yrs and I still feel guilty.

You are not alone.

Your parents are so lucky to have had each other for 40+ yrs. Tomorrow is never guaranteed, so celebrate with them. Every day you have them is a blessed day. Tomorrow comes soon enough --- live each day.

I, too, watched my dad die by inches. Your dad's passing will be traumatic, but not nearly so devastating as Greg's because it is not unexpected. When you watch someone fade away over several years, death is almost more welcome than barely existing.

When the time comes, you'll have the strength to stand with your mom. You're stronger than you think you are.


PS -- I have your birthday card, but I keep forgetting to mail it. Old age brain fart.

So Not Wishy Washy said...

Survivor guilt and anger - a deadly combination.

You have every right in the world to be angry, sad, and fearful all at the same time.

Stick with it. You're on the right road, Kim.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I love you, hon. I love you so very much.

HEATHER said...

Honey, I'm praying for you. My mama is battling cancer right now too.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry that something that should have so much joy is tainted by sadness and everything else that goes with it. I'll be sending lots of prayers and good vibes your way so that this week is full of as much goodness as it can be.

Holly said...

Phases of grief are not pretty. Not a single one. But, you will move on to a "new" normal. I know from experience and from the line of work that I do. If you ever want some info, drop me a line and I will be glad to send you something special. My heart aches for you. It's all too fresh in my mind to be non-judgemental but sometimes knowing that others share your pain makes the load a little less heavy. A big hug and kiss to you!!

sybil law said...


Miss Britt said...

I don't suppose it helps to hear that all of those feelings sound totally normal, does it?

Beautiful Mess said...

Birthdays and holidays are tough. I wish your heart to be at peace. I hope that you are able to enjoy your birthday and think about Gregory with a smile on your face.

You are strong enough. This I KNOW to be true.

Cloudia said...

God Bless you, Dear Heart!