My birthday weekend is over.

I am exhausted.

I had a great time, but all of the fun has caught up with me.

I can't keep the guilty feelings away.

Dr. Lecter tapped at the windows all weekend and this afternoon came full force through the door.

He won't leave.

He's sitting in the chair behind me now.


He's palpable. And holds me accountable when I have fun and try to act "normal."

I wish it had been me and G at the lake.

I wish my husband wasn't dead.

I wish I could have saved him.

I wish this had happened to someone else and not us.

There. I said it.

And even though I say I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I wish it had been someone else.

And I can't deny it anymore.


Anonymous said...

I blame Karl he sort of looks a bit like Anthony Hopkins. It will take time for you to allow yourself to enjoy, it's the woman thing

Anonymous said...

What is there to deny? You're not wishing it on anyone else, on any one specific, you're just wishing it wasn't you. That makes perfect sense to me.

For what it's worth, I wish it wasn't you either.


Anonymous said...

You do him no dishonor by enjoying the life you have left to live, it does not mean that you do not love him or wish above anything else that he were with you. It only means you are alive.As one last favor to your husband live the life he wanted you to live, live it for him or in his honor or whatever it takes for you to keep going each day. Just live it to it's fullest, like he did with you while he could.

And HAPPY late birthday, sorry I missed it.

Elaina said...

Happy Belated Birthday, Kim!

As for the post . . . there's no point to denying our feelings. And when we don't acknowledge what we're feeling, I don't think we can't ever reach a modicum of peace.'s nothing to be ashamed about or to feel guilty about, it's natural to struggle with things like that. I have. For different reasons but I have.

Especially when I hear about parents who have abused a child or twenty year olds with three kids they don't pay attention to and who ultimately end up in the system and a mess. I wonder why it's fair. I wonder why it's fair that they're parents and I'm not. Ultimately, it's not fair. And that has pissed me off. And given me plenty to struggle with God over.

So don't deny it. Acknowledge it. That's another step in not letting that bastard Lecter consume you.

Lynda said...

The feelings are perfectly rational. I'm glad you had people around you for your birthday. I was worried about the downer though, when everyone is gone.

Time will make things easier even if it doesn't seem like it now. You don't really "get over it" but it does get easier.

marty said...

There are some things you can't change. Ultimately, you must accept and move on with your life. But only when you are ready to do so.

sybil law said...


Cape Cod Kitty said...

Going through grief of my own right now, I can only say, I have had to stop fighting the "demons, and just accept exactly where I am at any given moment in the process. It has a life of its own. Somehow this has made it easier. Grasping at the moments of brightness and knowing they will become more frequent.
I wish you peace in this process.
Your blog is such a great way to heal, and you write so well.
Thank you, as you are helping others along with yourself.

So Not Wishy Washy said...

You're on a road I do not envy. While I haven't had my husband die, the death of my Dad was horrific. I fight the urge to scream out loud every day.

Wishing that it happened to someone else is HONEST. Why live a lie?

I'm glad you were able to enjoy the moment with people you love rather than isolating yourself and allowing anger and "what ifs" to consume you.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I don't have the words, hon. Just that I love you.

Chantel said...

A hard part of grief is moving on and doing "normal" stuff when nothing feels normal. You have no choice but to move on with your life. I think everything you feel is normal.

Take care of YOU and do the best you can.