The I Am Not Amused park......

Hi yall.

Today I woke up in a great mood, which is odd, considering the events of last night.

Dr. L ? Gone.

I feel good, it's a beautiful day, and even though I'm still sad, I'm ok, at the moment.

Is this what depression is like? I mean, like for people that don't have dead spouses but have to deal with it anyway?

Does everyday life really make people feel like this? And what the hell is so bad when you have the person you love, or your kids, and a good job, nice house, etc,etc?? What sends people into this?

Jeez. I don't think I could take it.

I've been living with whatever "it" is since March. One minute I'm fine, the next, notsomuch.

And I know I have a perfectly good reason for it....doesn't mean I have to like it though.

Any of you that have read me before know I started "taking something"....well, I quit after a month. All it did was made me feel discombobulated and disconnected, and I'm not into that.

It's like one of those pendulum rides at the amusement park, yanno? The one that swings back and forth, high and low, pausing for a second at each spectrum to dangle you out there.

I am really not liking this ride. I want oh eff eff.

This depression thing is a BIATCH ! Kudos to those of you that can pull it off, but I just don't think I'm built this way.

So, I guess I'll just keep trudging along and see what each new day ( and night - eeek) brings.....

Thanks for walking along beside me.....


TexasRaceLady said...

In a way, I'm glad you're off the medication. I'm just not sold on putting chemicals in the body to deal with something that is a natural happening.

Greg's death is hard on you because it happened suddenly -- no warning. You had no time to wrap your mind around the thought of losing him.

You are a naturally happy person. That person has hidden herself in a dark hole, because she doesn't know what to feel, or how to deal with what she does feel.

In addition, you are having to face your father's illness.

It may take you a while to let that happy person out into the sunshine. Keep trudging forward, Kim. Nothing good comes from looking back. You can't change what's back there, and you may get truly caught in the loop of "I should have" and "if only."

This may sound cold, but stop looking at the 20th of each month as an "anniversary of Greg's death". Celebrate the day of his birth, or your meeting him, or marrying him, each month. Look forward. Look for the happy.

Beautiful Mess said...

I couldn't ever bring myself to go the medication route. I thought it would make me feel how you described. I would rather feel the sadness, then be a zombie. But that was just me. I don't think baldy of people that do take it. If it works for them, the great! It just wasn't for me.

Depression for me was a bitch, too. I think someone told me is was a "situational depression". Meaning it wasn't a chemical imbalance that was making me depressed, it was the sadness and the grief. Apparently in time, I was suppose to feel less depressed. Which is true, but there are THOSE times when it all come crashing down on me.

Yes! Keep trudging along. Please keep trudging along. I can't promise you that you will see rainbows and sunshine everyday, but there will be days that the rainbows and sunshine are brighter.

Lynda said...

My depression was a lot different from my grief.

My depression was hopelessness.

My grief was sadness and mourning for who I had lost.

I tried the medication route too. I hated it. I had no feelings. I never felt happy, never felt sad. I still felt depressed though.

However, I don't think my depression was chemical - like an imbalance in my brain. Maybe it would help someone like that.

My advice is to feel the good with the bad. You have been through a lot.

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Oh my, it sounds like you are describing my feelings so closely. I, too, tried a med, hated it, and the disconnected feeling, and stopped after a month. When I returned to talk with my wonderful physician she explained the process your physical being goes through after a major and shocking loss. You are in the period where your body is trying to right itself. There is hopelessness, and all I could and can do is allow myself to feel it and try to remember it will pass. It is so painful and I am sorry you are in that place right now.
Depression is awful, devastating, and very frightening at times, in the way it can turn one's thinking around so fast and it feels like you are spiraling down. Hang on to what ever you can, and keep writing. Soon the pendulum swings will not go as far out.
It appears that this it is very "healthy" to feel the loss, whereas so many bury all feelings.
Peace to you.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I took Zoloft for a year after my dad died. You're right, it does disconnect you. For me, that was a good thing because I was lashing out at everyone and everything in anger. While the Zoloft calmed me, I worked on coping mechanisms and when I went off the Zoloft, everything was in place for me to deal.

It's not for everyone, the taking of antidepressants. Just do what's right for you and be sure you make it intact to the other side of your grief.

Chantel said...

I can't say I understand the depression & grief combo. I imagine it's incredibly hard. I have and still do experience depression. I hate it. I know Dr. L way to effing well! It comes and goes and I hate the fact the I need meds to balance myself out.

Keep on blogging Kim. Keep on talking. Keep on feeling your feelings. Surround yourself with people that love and support you. That's how I know how to deal with grief.

I'm always here for you if you need me!


Monique said...

I've had clinical depression on/off for 13 years. It's a horrible place to be. Even if you don't want to do medication (it's worked for me), don't be afraid to talk to someone. Counseling can do a lot of good.