Here it comes.....

My birthday is coming up.

Two weeks from today I'll be 40. Ugh.

And yanno, it's not really the turning 40 part that annoys me.

It's the turning 40 without him.

I was looking forward to getting old with him.

He told me once that when he turned 40, his then wife didn't do anything for him but get him a card. No party, no cake, nothing. I have always been a huge birthday person and literally think it should be a birthweek, not just a day. We called his birthday Saint Gregory Day, and he coined the term "Kimberday" to celebrate mine.

When he turned 50, I went all out. He said he didn't want a party, he just wanted to spend the weekend with me at the lake. So I took off for a four day weekend, and arranged for a few surprises. He woke up on his birthday to 50 ballons, a flat screen TV, and several yard toys, tools and doo-dads that he wanted. Along with some of his favorite movies and cd's. And his very own iPod Shuffle to take to the gym , loaded up with his tunes. He was like a little boy. We spent the weekend cooking his favorite things, riding around the lake on our boat and just relaxing. He said it was the best birthday ever. I hope he meant it.

I am not dreading my birthday. We were actually going to an all-inclusive resort for a week and float around in the pool and walk into the lazy river right outside our room and just chill.

I'm dreading the weird feeling of detachment. Sure I'll have some good friends coming in from out-of-town and my hometown friends here, but he'll still be missing.

And to add to the irony, it will also mark 5 months since he died.

But, as he would tell me, I gotta put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

So I will, and I hope, surrounded by family, friends and good wishes that it turns out to be a happy birthday after all.


TexasRaceLady said...

Kim, put those big girl panties on and go do what you were planning to do. Yes, Greg won't physically be with you, but he'll be there.

You may not feel like taking a week, but go. Don't give up his dream celebration.


Bubblewench said...

I'll be seeing you in two weeks. I know we won't be the same as G but we'll be toasting you for him when we're there.

Elizabeth said...

I'm glad you'll be surrounded by friends. Don't be afraid of letting them down if you aren't a barrel of sunshine 24/7. They'll understand if you need some feel-bad time.....not that I'm wishing it on you. I hope it doesn't happen, but if it does.......

Several years ago I started calling the time of my birth, my birthday-week, too. Since mine is the 31st, we almost overlap each other. This year I'm telling everyone it's my birthday-month, so they have to be extra special to me all month long.

Beautiful Mess said...

Your friends are amazing! They have taken such good care of you during the worst time of your life. I'm so grateful for people like that.

Have a great birthday! Enjoy your week and know that he's thinking about you, too.

sybil law said...

You gave him a spectacular birthday! I'm sure it was his favorite!!
I wish i could come for your birthday. Kids and school put a cramp in those plans, unfortunately.
But I'll be thinking of you.

LOVIN7 said...

Don't feel bad about reaching 40-I will be 60 on the 11th!! By all means have a great birthday celebration-mine won't even be celebrated most likely. My oldest will be 32 on the same day, so I always have somebody else to rememeber. ((HUGS)) to ya Cozzie!

Evil Twin's Wife said...

I hope you have a great day. I'm with you - I believe in a birthday "event". Mine is April 22, so I just celebrate from then until Mother's Day in early May! :-) I'm 41, but when I turned 40, I liked to joke that I was turning "Cougar" age (you know, older women who hook up with much younger guys - not that I would or you would, but I still think it's funny to think about!)

JessiferSeabs said...

Hey, I"m new to your blog-- came your way via Pink Bunny FOo foo (a dear friend of mine), and Karl, who I have known for a few years now. Just wanted you to know that I admire your words, your strength, and your emotions. I've never lost a spouse but have dealt with significant loss in my life, and I can't get through your posts without tears... but in a good way, because they are SO beautifully written.

You will put on your big girl panties and deal with it, but you're also entitled ot as much sadness and feelings of "it's not fair!" as you need... you've earned them. ;-) You seem like an incredibly positive and wise person, and that will get you far. Don't stop forgetting the awesome pieces of him, and don't stop noticing the things about your life that are still so blessed and beautiful.
XOXO from Minneapolis,

Cassie said...

I've been reading for a couple of weeks. I love the way you write. I also have a BIRTHWEEK. Everyone teases me, but I love birthdays. I hope you have a fabulous one with your friends. G would want you to have a great time. Enjoy.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

I want you to have the best time ever hon. I wish to goodness I could be there. I'll be partying in Woodstock!

Maria @BOREDmommy said...

Look how happy he looks in that picture!!! Love it. I hope you can enjoy your birthday - you deserve it!!