Remember the Seinfeld episode with Judge Reinhold as a "close talker" ?

Apparently this trend is alive and well in central Alabama. In the last few days I have encountered no less than 5 close talkers. And I don't get it...don't they know about personal space and boundaries? Don't they know my aversion to complete strangers recycling my oxygen as their own?

Apparently not.

I experienced this type of person many times in my law enforcement career, but I found a subtle but firm grip of my hand on the butt of my Sig-Sauer .45 instantly remedied the situation.

Now, apparently I have the appearance of someone who is either blind, hard of hearing or has an affinity for smelling your breath. I mean I know I'm smoking hot and all

**crickets **

...but really?? Back up bub.

And it's not just older people, or someone who can't hear....oh noooo, it crosses all age lines and apparently does not discriminate.

Yesterday, I actually had a close talker that gave me such a case of the heebies I had to leave the area several times. I'm sure he's a very nice fellow, but he looked just like Buffalo Bill from Silence of The Lambs, down to the blond stringy hair and dual hoop earrings. He also kept touching my arm and asked me several what I thought were TMI questions like how long had I worked there, where I was from, where I lived and could he "oh please have a business card". He also began and finished each sentence with my name. It was like being in a creepy-deepy echo chamber. Or a pit in the basement. **uuurggghh** It's bad enough I have Dr. Lecter coming by to see me, now this guy. And anyone who has seen the movie knows that Bill likes the big girls.

Today it happened a few more times. I'm getting so good at walking backwards I could probably learn to moonwalk.

Now, I can't be a total hypocrite and I will say that hey, if you're my type I am about the close talking and you can just lean in and love all over me if you want. Unless you have funky teeth or smell like an ashtray, then you can just go on with your bad self. Sorry, I love the pretty pearlies and can't stand the smoky smell unless it involves firewood, burning leaves or the scent of a filet wafting out of the grill. And bacon. Mmmmmmm bacon.

So basically, unless you look like this ,


or this,

Please give me my space and I'll give you the same courtesy.

Wonder if I could find a snappy pink holster for my Sig?


Karl said...

OK, already! I'll back up a bit.


GeekByMarriage said...

So you've met my ex-MIL! Back me up doesn't her breath smell of ass? No one believes me. I swear I think she sits in her house licking her bum then comes to talk to me.. UGH

TexasRaceLady said...

I know exactly what you mean. When I taught school, some parents seemed to think that closer meant they could change my mind about their brat.

Finally, I got the courage to tell them I didn't like them standing so close to me -- please back up.

I hated the ones with the strong perfume, or the cig breath.

A pretty pink holster --- sounds like a winner to me.

Coal Miner's Granddaughter said...

OK, I had a really thoughtful comment until I saw Shepherd Smith's picture. And then I lost my head. Because DAMN I love that man!


Anonymous said...

Ewww! I can't stand that! It makes me claustrophic.

Here's something to read sometime:

HEATHER said...

I love Shep, but I keep hearing that he doesn't like girls! sigh
Lack of a pink holster is the only thing keeping me from one of those carry permits.

Robin said...

Gurl, I know your pain....I can't STAND for anyone to be up in my face....not even my kids! My son used to come in our bedroom at night and put his face right up against mine....without touching me....and then he would yell "MOMMY!" After the last freak out moment I had the last time he did that....he goes to his daddy's side of the bed now.

Robin :o)

marty said...

You need to do something to back them up like an up-close nose pick.

Bubblewench said...

Omg. Space Invaders! We have a close talker/crotch talker. Guy 'corners' you at your desk while you're sitting and you end up talking to his crotch the whole time. I can't stand him.