Here's our Sunday song that G would sing to me as we made breakfast, had our mimosas or took a boat ride. Sometimes he would just grab me and dance around the room while he sang it.....oh I miss you so.......
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Sunday
Wednesday
Impact
Impact. That's what we discussed last night in grief counseling, or as I refer to it -"widow school."
The impact the death our loved one had on us. The impact of the illness, the dying, the finding out, the funeral,etc,etc. Everyone has a different impact, even though so many of our circumstances are the same.
I have impacts from it everyday. I call them aftershocks. Yesterday, I opened a drawer in the kitchen and the knob came off in my hand. I've been asking G to fix that damn knob for 6 months. That little aftershock produced a wave of grief that sent me to the kitchen floor for a good 20 minutes. Then I got up and went to work.
At work, someone told me I was strong and that I was a rock at Gregory's funeral. I guess I was. I wasn't medicated, I wasn't anything. I think I was just in shock. I'm a rock alright, when you can see me. When you can't I'm like a big blubbering grief sponge. As another blogger recently said about himself, I can grieve like a Ninja.
I think that's why I feel so odd at this group. Some people can't even talk without crying or just bursting into sobs. I'll admit I did tear up a bit last night, but so far I haven't cried or anything. And it's not that I can't....I do. I just do it with me. I'm scared of the day that I can't control it anymore.
But even though my aftershocks are often and devastating now, the lasting impact that Gregory had on my life will never go away...
*Love
*Happiness
*Smiles
*great memories
*comfort
*self-confidence
Thank you baby for every second we had,even through the bad, we came back to the good. Thank you for having an everlasting impact on my life. Thank you. I love you.
The impact the death our loved one had on us. The impact of the illness, the dying, the finding out, the funeral,etc,etc. Everyone has a different impact, even though so many of our circumstances are the same.
I have impacts from it everyday. I call them aftershocks. Yesterday, I opened a drawer in the kitchen and the knob came off in my hand. I've been asking G to fix that damn knob for 6 months. That little aftershock produced a wave of grief that sent me to the kitchen floor for a good 20 minutes. Then I got up and went to work.
At work, someone told me I was strong and that I was a rock at Gregory's funeral. I guess I was. I wasn't medicated, I wasn't anything. I think I was just in shock. I'm a rock alright, when you can see me. When you can't I'm like a big blubbering grief sponge. As another blogger recently said about himself, I can grieve like a Ninja.
I think that's why I feel so odd at this group. Some people can't even talk without crying or just bursting into sobs. I'll admit I did tear up a bit last night, but so far I haven't cried or anything. And it's not that I can't....I do. I just do it with me. I'm scared of the day that I can't control it anymore.
But even though my aftershocks are often and devastating now, the lasting impact that Gregory had on my life will never go away...
*Love
*Happiness
*Smiles
*great memories
*comfort
*self-confidence
Thank you baby for every second we had,even through the bad, we came back to the good. Thank you for having an everlasting impact on my life. Thank you. I love you.
Cinco de Groupo....
Yesterday I went to my "surviving spouses" group. I'll admit , I was apprehensive at first. Even nervous. I actually still am.
It was OK. I can't say good, because really, no one wanted to be there. But it wasn't bad either. I guess it just was.
We ate , then did the circle sit and had to tell a bit about ourselves and what brought us there. I did ok, didn't collapse into a wailing heap. Thank God. Some people did, and one person couldn't even talk. Ouch.
One of the things they suggested we do is "journaling", where we write down our feelings and thoughts,etc,etc. Well, I think I'll say I jumped right to the head of the class right there. Cause basically, this is just a journal....in electronic form.
And it does help. Alot.
Not sure if I told them that.
Oh, I was the youngest one there. Yes, uncomfy much? No Twitterers, Facebookers or Bloggers. One person said they had NEVER BEEN ON THE INTERNET. Eeeek!
So I will go back next week and see if it "fits" better. We shall see. I'm still more comfy with my one-on-one person that I see (hi!!), but I'll do both and see where it takes me.
The last time I sat around in a circle and talked about myself, the other half of me was sitting next to me holding my hand.
I missed that last night. I guess I always will.
It was OK. I can't say good, because really, no one wanted to be there. But it wasn't bad either. I guess it just was.
We ate , then did the circle sit and had to tell a bit about ourselves and what brought us there. I did ok, didn't collapse into a wailing heap. Thank God. Some people did, and one person couldn't even talk. Ouch.
One of the things they suggested we do is "journaling", where we write down our feelings and thoughts,etc,etc. Well, I think I'll say I jumped right to the head of the class right there. Cause basically, this is just a journal....in electronic form.
And it does help. Alot.
Not sure if I told them that.
Oh, I was the youngest one there. Yes, uncomfy much? No Twitterers, Facebookers or Bloggers. One person said they had NEVER BEEN ON THE INTERNET. Eeeek!
So I will go back next week and see if it "fits" better. We shall see. I'm still more comfy with my one-on-one person that I see (hi!!), but I'll do both and see where it takes me.
The last time I sat around in a circle and talked about myself, the other half of me was sitting next to me holding my hand.
I missed that last night. I guess I always will.
Monday
OK, so I went........
....to the counselor.
Meh.
You know how when you realize you can communicate with someone justlikethat?
Kind of an instant connection ? All quick-like. That comfort zone just says "Hi ! Here I am!"
Today...not so much.
It wasn't that I was uncomfortable. But I wasn't really comfortable either.
First of all, there was a "mix-up" in the calender scheduling between he and his assistant. Which he informed me would cut our session short, I could come back later, he needed me to fill out a few things blah blah blah.
Ever feel rushed? Like you're holding someone up?
Yea. That was my feeling. When he's checking for another time in the book before you've even begun this session, it's kind of a buzzkill.
And the office. I've never been to a therapist / counselor / psychiatrist whatever before, but in my mind the office should have been more, oh what am I trying to say ? Warm ? Comforting ? Instead, it was kinda cluttered and messy and just not somewhere I could feel like I wanted to bare my soul. And I feel bad because it's a free service so what kind of bitch am I not to be on my knees thanking them profusely?
Maybe it's just me ? My emotions have the consistency of tapioca right now, and I am sure my judgement is as cloudy as a 79 Toyota burning oil...so I will probably go back again just to make sure my gut reaction wasn't steering me wrong, and maybe things will be different. I'm definitely doing the group thing starting in May. Maybe that will be better.
So anyway, I went.
I did get to have coffee and lunch with two awesome friends afterward though (thanks L & S !), with an added bonus of new comfy pajamas (on sale!) on a quick retail therapy stop with L. They have the whole Buddha , Nepal , zen thing going on. So that made me happy.
I'm waiting for them to come out of the dryer now.
Warm jams.....they rock my world.
And if that's what gets me through today, I'm all about em.
Meh.
You know how when you realize you can communicate with someone justlikethat?
Kind of an instant connection ? All quick-like. That comfort zone just says "Hi ! Here I am!"
Today...not so much.
It wasn't that I was uncomfortable. But I wasn't really comfortable either.
First of all, there was a "mix-up" in the calender scheduling between he and his assistant. Which he informed me would cut our session short, I could come back later, he needed me to fill out a few things blah blah blah.
Ever feel rushed? Like you're holding someone up?
Yea. That was my feeling. When he's checking for another time in the book before you've even begun this session, it's kind of a buzzkill.
And the office. I've never been to a therapist / counselor / psychiatrist whatever before, but in my mind the office should have been more, oh what am I trying to say ? Warm ? Comforting ? Instead, it was kinda cluttered and messy and just not somewhere I could feel like I wanted to bare my soul. And I feel bad because it's a free service so what kind of bitch am I not to be on my knees thanking them profusely?
Maybe it's just me ? My emotions have the consistency of tapioca right now, and I am sure my judgement is as cloudy as a 79 Toyota burning oil...so I will probably go back again just to make sure my gut reaction wasn't steering me wrong, and maybe things will be different. I'm definitely doing the group thing starting in May. Maybe that will be better.
So anyway, I went.
I did get to have coffee and lunch with two awesome friends afterward though (thanks L & S !), with an added bonus of new comfy pajamas (on sale!) on a quick retail therapy stop with L. They have the whole Buddha , Nepal , zen thing going on. So that made me happy.
I'm waiting for them to come out of the dryer now.
Warm jams.....they rock my world.
And if that's what gets me through today, I'm all about em.
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