Strength

Many people have been telling me lately that I have "strength."

Not really.

It's more of a facade fueled by sunshine. I can be strong in the light.

I was very strong in the daylight today. And every day. I laughed, I smiled, I acted like the strong person everyone thinks I am.

But sometimes the darkness creeps in on even the brightest of days.

It's happening more frequently.

And I don't have the strength to stop it.

Today, I actually turned the radio on.

Lately I haven't been listening. Maybe to Rick and Bubba once in awhile. Otherwise, I'm in the rental car with no satellite. So I can't cushion myself with news and weather and mindless chit-chat like I can in the Dog/Nerd mobile with Satellite.

I actually may hear a song or two. There is one I listen to a million times a day that I may share with yall. Someday. But right now it's my song. Healing. That's how I roll.


I think I accidentally left the radio on a country station that replays R&B (RicknBubba)in the afternoon. But when they aren't on ....music.

Ooops.

And today I heard this.



My life has turned into a music video. One that I have been torturing myself with all day. And half a night.

One that I don't want to be in.

But I punish myself with it.

Because even though yall Twitter, you FaceBook, you e-mail, you are here for me.... I am still alone. But I appreciate you more than I can express. Because even though you are here, you're not here.


But you're with me either way. And I thank each and every one of you for that.

I am going through a hell I never knew existed.

I still miss my best friend , my buddy, my soul mate, and the greatest person in my life. I will never " get over it."

There are nights when I can listen to "happy songs" and my heart smiles knowing it is a little bit about us.

But right now, the "not-so-damm-happy" songs are winning.

I need to jerk the damm radio out of my car.