What a week...

I am very conflicted about this week.

I will feel happy, sad, guilty, every emotion you can think of.

In this week, my parents will celebrate their 42nd wedding anniversary.

I will turn 40 , and celebrate with friends on the 5 month mark of the death of my beloved.

The dog that Gregory wanted so badly and is such a comfort to me now will be a year old on Saturday.

I'm excited to see my friends, but I'm also mad.

I'm mad that I'm not checking into the all-inclusive resort with Gregory to celebrate my birthday.

I feel guilty about celebrating getting another year older when he will never have another birthday , ever.

I'm jealous of my parent's having the luck to spend 42 years with the person they love when I will never have that, but so happy and proud of them at the same time. And I feel guilt for the jealousy.

I'm sad because this will probably be the last one they will celebrate before the effing gd s-o-b cancer takes my Daddy away forever.

And I'm scared because I don't know if I can take losing my husband and my daddy, and I don't know if I'll be able to be strong enough to help my mom.

And even though I'm excited and tweeting about #kimberday and all that, deep down?

I'm terrified.

And the one person who could make it all better is never. coming. back.

And I'm mad as hell about it.

Cancer.....

Sucks. Another blogger posted that once, and it's true.

I spent some time with my dad this morning while he was getting his daily radiation dose.

Looking around the room at all of the people there for chemo , radiation, etc, etc, it struck me how cancer really has no favorites......

It affects everyone. All of us, whether you have it, know someone who does, or have never been touched by it. It will eventually come around to you, and it's a crappy guest.

He's hanging in there, but I can see it taking a toll. This is chemo + radiation week, which is especially hard. It wears him out, and having to drive an hour one way and back 5 days a week for 5 weeks is enough to tire anyone !!

So stick with it Daddy, I love you, don't let this beat you.