Things are trucking along as usual here.........
And how was your week ?? ; )
Wednesday
Movement.....
Life is made up of movements.
We move forward, backward , up, down, sideways. We are constantly in flux, whether good or bad, movement is constant and reliable. Whether we like it or not.
My dad moves up and down in his chair, trying to ease the comfort that chemo rages on his cancer-ridden body. My mother moves around in her own way, trying to keep her body and mind busy in a vain attempt to ward off the impending movement of widowhood that washes over her like the waves that have already overtaken her daughter.
I move occasionally. Chasing these crazy dogs around. I get out of bed and go to work. I move around this yard we loved to work in as a team, except now I'm on my own. My mind moves all day, positive , negative, pretending to be happy, actually being happy, then moving to try to find a place, some happy medium, where I can be happy without moving into guilt.
Life, time, traffic, kids, friends, family, pets.
Everything moves.
I'm getting ready to move too. Eventually I will sell this house we lived in and move somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't ours, but mine. And I'm ok with that. G liked this house, but his heart, and his home, were at the lake.
G is moving. What little puff of ashes that are left in that box and the beautiful stone that marks it will soon be at a place that he would have wanted, in a beautiful marble urn, in a place where he was happy, loved and should have been all along. I should have put him there in the first place, but I tried to have a heart and give the people that have now turned against me, against us,a place to go. But now, he will move to a place he loved. It is as it should be.
But I have learned in these last 6 months, that wherever I am moving, G is moving with me. Not just in the remnants of his ashes that are under my skin, or the ones I carry with me, but in my heart and soul.
So I am ready for the movements. It's almost like being a kid again, learning to surf in the waves off the coast of Bali or Phuket.... the movement beneath you may be initially terrifying, but you learn to master the flow and wash ashore, ready to ride again...... and I think I'm ready.... : )
We move forward, backward , up, down, sideways. We are constantly in flux, whether good or bad, movement is constant and reliable. Whether we like it or not.
My dad moves up and down in his chair, trying to ease the comfort that chemo rages on his cancer-ridden body. My mother moves around in her own way, trying to keep her body and mind busy in a vain attempt to ward off the impending movement of widowhood that washes over her like the waves that have already overtaken her daughter.
I move occasionally. Chasing these crazy dogs around. I get out of bed and go to work. I move around this yard we loved to work in as a team, except now I'm on my own. My mind moves all day, positive , negative, pretending to be happy, actually being happy, then moving to try to find a place, some happy medium, where I can be happy without moving into guilt.
Life, time, traffic, kids, friends, family, pets.
Everything moves.
I'm getting ready to move too. Eventually I will sell this house we lived in and move somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't ours, but mine. And I'm ok with that. G liked this house, but his heart, and his home, were at the lake.
G is moving. What little puff of ashes that are left in that box and the beautiful stone that marks it will soon be at a place that he would have wanted, in a beautiful marble urn, in a place where he was happy, loved and should have been all along. I should have put him there in the first place, but I tried to have a heart and give the people that have now turned against me, against us,a place to go. But now, he will move to a place he loved. It is as it should be.
But I have learned in these last 6 months, that wherever I am moving, G is moving with me. Not just in the remnants of his ashes that are under my skin, or the ones I carry with me, but in my heart and soul.
So I am ready for the movements. It's almost like being a kid again, learning to surf in the waves off the coast of Bali or Phuket.... the movement beneath you may be initially terrifying, but you learn to master the flow and wash ashore, ready to ride again...... and I think I'm ready.... : )
Tuesday
Sunday
The sky is cryin'......
...last night, after a particularly lazy but mind messing day, I decided to do one of the things that G and I used to do together.
We used to grab our "go-chairs" as he called em, and either sit in one of our garage bays with the door open or sit out by the chiminea up on the hill.
I'm not too fond of sitting in the woods by myself , even with an open flame, especially when it's muggy as heck outside.
And since last night was the six month "death-a-versary", I decided I'd take myself a glass of our favorite wine outside and sit and just talk to him. I wanted to be out there at 1107 pm, when he "officially" left me.... 6 months ago...though I know that no matter what the State of Alabama and some piece of paper says he will never leave me. Never.
I even took his favorite Buddha candle thingy and lit it under his tree.
I think I got the chair set up and plopped my happy ass down in at at around 1106pm.
And at 1107 ??
He talked back....via rain.....
...if only for 40 something seconds. He talked quick, and he talked hard, and he followed with the soft talk of love, as he always did.
Do I find it strange that in an unusual Alabama weather season it was cloudy at our house but didn't rain all day for the first time in a week?? No.
But I find it very unusual, and oh so Gregory like that at 1107 PM on the 6 months mark since he died that he made it known that somewhere, somehow, he's still with me.
It thundered for a bit right after, and a few flashes of lightning lit up the sky. I can only hope that was him not wanting to leave, and the glisten and brightness of his beautiful eyes trying to find mine.
As I sit here now, I hear a bit of thunder and an unrestful sky.
The doggies are active, growling at the weather.
I hope they are talking to their daddy in their own language.
If not, I'll blame it on the rain.
The sky is cryin'. Me too.
We used to grab our "go-chairs" as he called em, and either sit in one of our garage bays with the door open or sit out by the chiminea up on the hill.
I'm not too fond of sitting in the woods by myself , even with an open flame, especially when it's muggy as heck outside.
And since last night was the six month "death-a-versary", I decided I'd take myself a glass of our favorite wine outside and sit and just talk to him. I wanted to be out there at 1107 pm, when he "officially" left me.... 6 months ago...though I know that no matter what the State of Alabama and some piece of paper says he will never leave me. Never.
I even took his favorite Buddha candle thingy and lit it under his tree.
I think I got the chair set up and plopped my happy ass down in at at around 1106pm.
And at 1107 ??
He talked back....via rain.....
...if only for 40 something seconds. He talked quick, and he talked hard, and he followed with the soft talk of love, as he always did.
Do I find it strange that in an unusual Alabama weather season it was cloudy at our house but didn't rain all day for the first time in a week?? No.
But I find it very unusual, and oh so Gregory like that at 1107 PM on the 6 months mark since he died that he made it known that somewhere, somehow, he's still with me.
It thundered for a bit right after, and a few flashes of lightning lit up the sky. I can only hope that was him not wanting to leave, and the glisten and brightness of his beautiful eyes trying to find mine.
As I sit here now, I hear a bit of thunder and an unrestful sky.
The doggies are active, growling at the weather.
I hope they are talking to their daddy in their own language.
If not, I'll blame it on the rain.
The sky is cryin'. Me too.
Six.......
6 months.
25 weeks.
181 days.
4,344 hours.
260,640 minutes.
15,638,400 seconds.
And I still can't make myself believe that he's never coming back.
Never.
That word never meant that much to me before.
Til never was never again.
EDIT:
Around 3 am I heard my name out loud. I had been sleeping fitfully before then, up and down, hearing things, dogs restless and moving around alot. I got up and walked around, and even though I really don't believe in ghosts and all that, it was weird. It was like a presence in my house. I dunno how to explain it. I guess if this is the point where people really start going insane, my turn's here.
EDIT:
Around 3 am I heard my name out loud. I had been sleeping fitfully before then, up and down, hearing things, dogs restless and moving around alot. I got up and walked around, and even though I really don't believe in ghosts and all that, it was weird. It was like a presence in my house. I dunno how to explain it. I guess if this is the point where people really start going insane, my turn's here.
Saturday
Better days ahead.....
....when things were tough or weren't going like we hoped, G would always say "Better days ahead."
Watching this, I think my better days are behind.
I hope, one day he will lead me to "better days ahead".
Watching this, I think my better days are behind.
I hope, one day he will lead me to "better days ahead".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
