Priceless.....

Vet visit for antibiotics, medicated shampoo and new food for allergies? $197.00



New down pillows ? $50.00

New body pillow ? $20.00

Dyson Animal Pet Vacuum? $500.00


King size mattress for all of our stretchiness? $1000.00



Unconditional love and playing monsters under the bed each night??






Priceless.


I love you boys. Thanks for giving me unconditional love and endless entertainment these last 6 months. I wouldn't have made it without you.

From Janine - What not to say.....

This post is from Janine (txmomx6), a fellow widow and contributor to Widow's Voice, who lost her husband Jim. She is an amazing writer and especially mother, and she gave permission to share this. 6 months ago I would have never known her, but now, even though it's a double-edged sword , I'm glad I "know" this amazing survivor.

Even though most of this hits home with me, the parts about the kids obviously cannot. But they still touched me and I hope, if there is a widow reading this, with kids or not, that it helps you through your day, your minute, your second without the person you could never imagine life without.

We widows know that the clock is a cruel housemate.

I am honored to post it here.



OK .... forgive me, but I'm cheating today. I'm copying a post I put on my blog over a year ago ... just a couple of months after Jim died. I've had several requests to post it again, which I did on my blog earlier this year, and I thought I'd post it here, too.

It was a list of the top things that my children and I did NOT need to hear, but did, after Jim died. It's followed by a list of things we did need to hear.

It might not speak for you .... at least not every point, but I would guess that we can all relate to at least a few of them.

Feel free to use this list freely ..... to help those not on this path ..... "get it" a bit better. Not that they can fully "get it", God willing, but I think it's helped many of my friends understand a little.

Feb. 16, 2008

OK, buckle your seat belts. And please, please, please remember -- I have no memory of who said what. Please don't put that onto me or yourselves. This is not to make ANYONE feel badly. It's just what I've learned and have been told to pass on. I think most of us are doing this for the first time. And like parenting, we don't always get it right the first time.

And, like parenting, this is done in love.

1. This is the most important item and I cannot stress it enough: "I understand." or "I know what you're going through."

No. You. Don't.

You can't. The loss you have suffered is yours and yours alone. It's interesting but every single widow who spoke to me never, ever said those words. My relationship was unique and mine. No one else can possibly understand the depth of pain and despair that I feel.

This brings me to #2 -- which is from my children.

2. "I lost my father, too." Not only does it not help because every relationship is unique, but it also turns the attention to YOU. When you're shaking a mourner's hand at a funeral or a visitation and you say, "I lost my father, too", or "I lost my _______(fill in the blank") then the mourner feels compelled to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." and the whole reason for the event is lost. Bad, bad, bad idea.

3. "God has a plan." REALLY??? Because at that moment in time, I didn't give a damn. And neither did my children. The plan, whatever it was, sucked.

4. "God must've needed Jim for work in Heaven." Again, REALLY????? I don't think so -- God seemed to be doing quite alright on His own. WE needed Jim here. We STILL need Jim here.

5. "At least he's no longer suffering." Let's get this straight -- Jim wasn't suffering -- at least not until 4:00 a.m. on December 17th. And then he got meds and felt quite relaxed. He would have rather suffered some more and stayed here. And I'm sorry, but being the selfish person that I am, I would have rather had him suffer more and still be here.

6. "This has made me appreciate my dad more." Yes, someone said that to one of the kids.

7. "Merry Christmas."

8. "How was the cruise?" I'm sorry, what?! It sucked. Although that's not we said. We said, "It was O.K." (Note to WV readers: Jim's memorial service was the Saturday before Christmas. The kids and I left on a cruise the next day and "skipped" Christmas."

9. "Call me." This also goes along with "Call me if you need anything." People who are grieving don't usually call. They are just trying to breathe. And they don't know what they need, other than the loved one who is gone. Don't ask me to call. Call me. Come sit with me. Just sit.

10. "How are you?" You really don't want to know, so try not to ask.

11. Also from the kids, "Your dad lovED you very much." They know that he STILL loves them very much.

12. This is one that I really struggled with but I think everyone wants me to be open and very honest here. So here it is:

Try very, very hard to not write a Bible verse on a card. As one of my daughters said, "If you're not a Christian then you look at the card and think 'why the hell would someone write that to me?!' and if you are a Christian you think, 'Why the hell would someone write that to me --- I already know that." The first days are not the time to be reminded of God's love because it doesn't feel like He's very loving.

13. "Hang in there."

14. "This is going to be a very difficult Christmas for you." You think?!!!

15. "What can I do for you?" This goes along with #9. Again, I can't think past the fog in my brain and the pain wracking my body, heart and soul. I have no idea what you can do. This is where the "just sit" comes in. Jewish people "sit shiva" when someone is grieving. They go to their house and just sit. They talk if the griever feels like talking. They don't if she/he doesn't. The important thing is, they are there. Very important.

16. This has also been a difficult one to include but here it is:

"God never gives you more than you can handle." To that I say B.S. I don't agree with that - at - all. God gives us a whole lot of crap that we can't handle. Trust me. And I don't agree with that theology. I read that verse as saying "God won't TEMPT you beyond what you can bear. And when you are TEMPTED He will provide a way out'." The only temptation that I had was the desire to off myself in the early days. But God did give me the loss of Jim -- and it's way more than I can handle. Just because I'm alive doesn't mean I'm handling it. Try to never, ever, ever say that to someone who's lost someone. Ever.

17. "You're young .. you can find love again." There are no words for that one. None.

18. "Trust in God." - when someone gets knocked to the ground by God, there's going to be a trust-issue. Trust me.

19. No one has asked me this directly but I guess some people have worried that I'm on meds and that I joke around about alcohol. Really?! Because even if I were drunk &/or higher than a kite most days --- could you blame me?! And to put everyone's mind at rest (or not -- think what you want to think) - I doubt that I could play tennis, work, write in a blog, or converse with my children if I were drinking every day or taking more than an anti-depressant and a sleeping aid every day (which are both prescribed by my doctor). So I'm not overly depressed and I sleep at night. Find someone else to worry about.

20. And the coup de grace, the ultimate thing I didn't need to hear and the only one I have vividly in my mind and know exactly who said: 'I am the reason Jim was successful. Let me handle your money. You owe me.' --- or something to that effect.

Now, to end on a positive note:

The Things I/We Needed/Need to Hear

1. "There are no words."

2. "You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers."

3. "I am so angry at God."

4. "This sucks."

5. "I love you."

6. "My heart aches for you."

7. "I'm sorry that I never got to know/meet him because he sounds like an incredible man."

8. Any time someone shares a memory of Jim.

9. "Can I come over?"

10. Any time a man cried in front of us. It sounds strange, but we need to know how much Jim meant -- especially to men.

So there you go .... the top things I needed to not hear and need TO hear ..... 20 months ago.

I'm thinking about posting a new list entitled, "The Top Things I Don't Need to Hear, Year 2").

Feel free to add your own comments and tell us what you didn't, or did, need to hear.

Have a great Wednesday.

Janine

Daddy's chair.......

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."
-- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844), Scottish poet

Piranha's

Hi yall, just want to thank everyone for all of the support and love you have shown here the last few days while the trolls have been out. The e-mails, tweets and call's are amazing !! You are the best !

The uninformed however, seem to be breeding each other as they continue to spew vitriol and make ridiculous accusations and incorrect judgement's.

It amazes me that people who have no idea what happened in this house, how we lived our daily lives or just what constitutes an all-encompassing loving and trusting relationship can be so quick to judge and throw their two cents in when it was not needed nor asked for.

These same people who were not around for the last 6 years unless something was beneficial to them smell the scent of money and "poof" here they are...they're like piranhas.

Case in point,  Greg once had a "friend" that had (has) excessive problems with alcohol and DUI charges. This "friend" was turned in by his own girlfriend when she called the police after sending him out drunk to get food, and he received a Felony DUI, spent time in prison, was on probation, and has to blow into a machine on his car before he can drive it.

Greg and I stood by this "friend" throughout his ordeal , writing him letters several times a week, putting money in his jail account, having him down to our home several times after he was free, and making sure that we checked in on him when we were up north. We even provided him with housewares when he was finally released and got his own place. This "friend" was still having problems with alcohol up until the time of Greg's death.

This "friend" text messaged me today, saying he had been reading my blog and how disgusted he was and how Greg would be too. He also stated that Greg's kids were here longer than me. Well no kidding. Guess that's why Greg and I set up a trust and a college fund for his son once we started seeing each other, and how a fund was established for his daughter too. Gee, how selfish of me. Guess that's why I took both kids on vacation and gave them money, spoiled them at Christmas, took them to my family's home where they were taken in and treated royally, made sure they always had nice clothes and were clean and well-fed, provided health insurance via my employer for the youngest, gave both of them laptops and digital camera's, coached one's sports teams, went with his daughter to get piercings, buy clothes, groceries, co-pays on insurance, birth control, etc. I guess things would have been better if I had ignored them, spent all of our money on us and not even acknowledged either of them.

But I wasn't raised that way. Unfortunately, this "friend" and the other person protesting the will were allegedly brought up in a violent and unloving home, so maybe the idea of someone reaching out to children that may not be biologically theirs but are theirs in HEART AND MIND may be foreign to them.

See, unlike some people, I never cared about money. I don't need it, I have my own, as does my family.

When I looked at Gregory I did not see $ signs, I saw love. I never even knew what he made until I moved up here two and a half years after we began seeing each other. And I didn't care. If he had dug ditches or owned a bank, the love was the same. And that will never change.

I'm sorry so many people are motivated by greed, jealousy and just pure pettiness that they can't see that.

But Gregory did. He knew he was loved, for all of the right reasons. And because I know that he knew, and that the same love was given to me in return, I will forever be richer than any dollar can make me. And the happiness and peace that gives me can never be taken away, even by piranha's.

9-11

8 years.

8 years since the worst TERRORIST attack in our country's history. (Note to Charlie Sheen : it wasn't our own government. Pull your head out of your ass. And take your fellow conspiracy theorists and go piss up a rope. Then hang yourself with it.)

I won't go into a long story about what I was doing when it happened, but since I was in law enforcement as an investigator let's just say I was damn busy that day.

But my world really didn't change that drastically that day. Sure, I have to take my shoes off at the airport, I have to take my toiletries in a ziploc bag, and I have to be a little more vigilant in my timing when traveling.

But my loved one didn't die just sitting at their desk. On the phone. Standing by the water cooler. Talking about their kids in the elevator.

I didn't lose my brother,sister,mom,dad, anyone flying on any of the 4 planes that were used as weapons that day.

In a sense I lost brothers in blue, but not like the brothers and sisters of the FDNY and NYPD did.

I have a friend who went to the WTC every Tuesday from Jersey in his capacity as an employee of Bear Sterns. Mikey didn't go that day because one of his daughters was sick. The 4 hours that it took him to call me after we each spent frantic moments wondering? They were tough, but imagine the ones who NEVER got a call from someone saying they were ok. And the joy I felt when I heard my Coconut (long story!) on the other end of that telephone line? Miniscule compared to the joy so many felt when their loved ones walked through the door, covered in ash and human remnants but still here.

Today, it's not about me or what I was doing or feeling. I'm a widow now too, but I'm not a 9-11 widow, or widower, or even someone that lost someone on that awful day 8 years ago.

Those people are the one's it's about today. The ones that are not here, and the ones that still are, and the ones that are going on even in the midst of their own pain, as well as the entire country's.

Blessings to all of you. Here, there or otherwise.

Thank you for your courage, your sacrifice, and your life here on this earth, no matter how long or short. Thank you for you.

And God Bless America.

Chris, Adam, Troll, Anonymous asshat, whoever you are.....

EDITED: 09-11-09

The troll (MAYBE) has finally been able to borrow a set of balls and admit that he is the one who popped off in my comments.

He claims his name is Adam, and blames it on the margaritas. I cite a sever case of dumbassdness, but hey, I'm no doctor, so who knows.

Irregardless, it's still a load of crap. They won't truly reveal themselves cause they're scared.

And I still firmly believe Karma is a boomerang. So let's see how well those margaritas taste when someone they love is ripped out of their lives.

Maybe you'd like a side of humble with that order.

And by the way? Every thing you do on this site is tracked and recorded. Your IP address, what browser and settings you use, how long you spent here, which pages you were on and what brought you here. Google my name? I know about it. Link through from another site, I know about that too.

So have fun. And smile pretty for the camera, ok?




Original Post follows.....

Possibly, this is R's new roommate. This month.

Troll also posted a link in comments to the article about when Greg and I were arrested last year , in our own house, for Domestic Violence. Never mind that neither of us had a mark, the arrest was invalid, nor did he mention that the charges were dropped. Or that the officers that entered our home unlawfully and got Greg out of bed and me out of the bathtub had a vendetta going because I arrested one of their mistresses for possession of narcotics and refused to cover it up to his wife. Hmm.

Guess Mrs. Hudgens ( oops sorry, I had him confused with Vanessa ), forgot to mention that the charges were dropped as no basis was found for them, and that there is a lawsuit pending against the PD and the officers involved.

And posting it here is not news, my family, G's family, my employers, friends, acquaintances, everyone knows about it. I don't have ANYTHING to hide, about any aspect of my life.

Weeellllllllll now ??

Mrs. Hudgens also forgot to mention that most if not all of the blogosphere knows about it as I have discussed it here, talked about it in person as well as on Twitter and FaceBook, so he's really regurgitating old news. Must be tough to ride the short bus. Sorry Christy. The world always needs french-fry servers.

But congratulations on the borrowing of the balls, and good luck with your new housemate.

And next time? If you have something to say? Say it to me. I'm grown. I can handle it.

You may want to take a lesson.

Oh and BTW - since you have now inserted yourself into this legal drama? CONGRATULATIONS !! You get to be subpoenaed, get sworn in under oath, and testify !! YAY for YOU !!!

Just make sure you have your facts straight, hmmmmk ?

Blog post coming later.....

today or tomorrow about all of the goings-on. Have been talking to attorneys, witnesses, etc. Feeling a bit better but still aggravated at the situation. Fill yall in soon and thanks for all of the good wishes and support !!