Live from the 205

I've moved !!

2010-01-22T22:21:00.002-06:00

Whoops, I thought this was moved over !! Guess not !!

So now I'm here at WP......Live From The 205

Come see me !!!

Ghosts of Christmas ....

2009-12-16T19:19:00.002-06:00

Past.....

and present....

Anniversary.....

2009-12-15T05:37:00.002-06:00

Happy Anniversary Baby. I love you.

Who's that lady ?

2009-12-13T00:01:00.001-06:00

See that lady in the black dress ?

The one with her best friend and husband on her left arm and her crazy wild unpredictable get her in trouble let's go cause it's fun friend on the other ? The one in the LBD between the two who share the same birthday, not only day and month but year ? The one between the two men who used to laugh and play with the lady in the LBD in the good old days ? One of them is gone now. One of them is still here, but he's not himself. He has let the demons that took control of his friend into his own house.

And I miss our boys in the back. Jason, Sam and Robert ... my dapper peanut gallery.

But the lady in the LBD ?

That lady has been wandering around lost for a bit.

But she's STILL HERE.

And she's damn good and tired of wandering around lost.

She wants out of her sweatpants and pajamas and back in her LBD. She misses her husband and best friend. She misses that goofy gray haired fool that used to argue with birthday brother about who she loved best.

She misses the good times.

Her new BFF, an incline trainer, will be here Wednesday. She's going to call on her old crazy friend and see if she can pull him out of his funk, herself out of hers, and start kicking some ass and taking some names.

It's time. Well past due. As Alan Jackson says, it's time for a good time.

My name is Kim.

I'm back.

Look out.

Still standing in the rain.....

2009-12-11T23:25:00.001-06:00

I posted this video 7 months ago.

Almost 9 months now and I'm still in the middle of the storm.

And I'm still standing.

Bring it on baby. I can take it.

Dear Mom....

2009-12-08T20:33:00.002-06:00

Dear Mom,

Let me start by saying I love you. I love you and appreciate you and am thankful for your help these last 8 and a half months. Most of the time. : )

I just need to put some things out there to let you know some of the things I'm thinking and feeling that I just can't say to you in person. I know some of them will hurt your feelings, but you said I could always tell you anything, so here goes....

* Even though I tell you I'm ok when you ask, I'm really not. I just can't put more of a burden on you than you are already carrying. I know you're strong enough to hurt for both of us. So am I. I hide it pretty well. There's only two people I really talk to about it....and they can handle it, and my emotions. You have enough on your plate.

* Dad is going to die. I know you tell me you just can't let yourself believe it, but you have to. He is using a walker!! A walker for the man who used to walk onto a football field in a San Francisco 49er's uniform. Look at the oxygen tanks they've delivered for future use. He is in the beginning stages of hospice care. This is a pretty good sign that things aren't going to end well. Nothing will prepare you, but the denial will make the reality so much worse when it comes. You say you have big shoulders and can take it. So do I. I am my mother's daughter. I'll be here when it comes. We'll get through it somehow. I don't know how yet, but we'll find a way. I hope.

* You have got to start taking care of your health. Physical and Mental. Your blood pressure is up, you are snappy and you are tired all of the time. Dad needs you, and I definitely need you. I'm glad you finally went to the doctor. No matter the results, I'm right here with you. I know you are hurting because of all of the turmoil with my situation, dad's illness and general family crap , but you need to be ok. If it's just a 20 minute walk to get some air, take it. It will probably do you more good than you know.

* Quit worrying so much about me. One way or another...I'll be ok. I just miss my best pal and honestly most of the time I would rather just be home alone. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other, just like you have to do. Maybe something good will happen eventually....that's the thing we both have to cling to. If Probate Court gets continued again....it's just a house. It's just stuff. The little things really do take on more significance when the big picture gets shaken up. Life will go on. Maybe not how we would have wanted it, but it will.

* Yes, I have money for groceries. Look at me. You've heard of the freshman 15? I got the widows 25. I wish I had no appetite. Apparently I have mine and Greg's too.

* Yes, I'm still playing with video games. I'll reel you in on this Wii thing soon enough.

* Yes, I may have to take care of you one day. And no, the dogs aren't going anywhere. If you don't like that, like you said you have the money to pay for the finest care anywhere. I'll visit each week. With pie. ; )

* I want to come visit with yall as much as I can. But when I'm there, don't nag about Dad not doing anything all day. He has frigging cancer. He worked his ass off and gave us a good life and if he wants to lay in his recliner and die, just let him. And Dad, you stop telling me how mean mom is to you. She kisses your butt and you know it. You're both pain in the asses, and I don't want to be the thing in the middle !! It's like yall are the bickering teenage kids I never had!

* No, I don't know what we're going to do with "all of this stuff". That's why someone invented storage units. And it's my "stuff", I'll be the one to decide what goes and what stays, thanks.

* I appreciate you calling to see how I am, but really, it's not necessary to call around 9am. Every day. I don't go to bed with the chickens like some folks do. Sometime around lunch or even after the 5 o'clock weather would be just fine. And I know if you don't hear from me several times a day you worry. Don't be alarmed, I'm not going to off myself or anything. I think wayyyy too highly of me to deprive the world of my awesomeness.

OK, think that covers it.

Oh, one more thing.

I love you.

XOXO

The Closet revisited.....

2009-12-06T14:17:00.004-06:00

I have been cleaning out our closet. Well, my closet.

I posted about this endeavor months ago....so now I am trying again.

His clothes have hung there for over 8 months, undisturbed, except for the occasional t-shirt, sweatshirt or flannel shirt I'll pull out and wear around.

I've begun to go through them. One by one, I pull them down , look at them, and make a decision in my mind for them to go in one of three places - stay, go to consignment, or go to the Salvation Army. Many of them trigger nothing inside me, just a random look at the label or a fleeting thought of where they were purchased.

So many of them trigger so much more. Raw emotion. Smiles, tears, and a few , something so gut-wrenching I have to stop, turn off the lights and leave for awhile. One particular night brought a string of some so powerful I just laid down in the closet and cried.

I try to tell myself that they are just clothes, threads of materials intertwined together in some factory far away by people we don't know. But they're not. They are memories. They are pieces of him that I can hold onto, sleep in, cry in and try to smell what may be left of his scent in.

The time before this was just a trial run, this time I'm really doing it. I've made Patrick's old bedroom Fashion Row, if you will. There are laundry hampers and two racks in there, endless hangers, and a notepad where I record what goes where and when. Dress clothes, suits, shorts, jeans, ties, hats, shoes.

Then there's a corner of our closet that has the things I'll never part with....
the shirt he wore when we eloped, the shirt he wore at our unofficial vow renewal in NOLA, and other items that mean things to us. Throw in a few hats, some hoodies and his leather jacket and I've still got a little to hold onto.

And a little of something is better than a lot of nothing.

Mailbox Inspiration....

2009-12-05T10:22:00.002-06:00

This came yesterday. It was one of those anonymous postmarks, and had no signature, just these quotes, typed on plain white paper. To whoever did it,thanks.....

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.

Walt Emerson

Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness,heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.

Bethany Hamilton

Angel of Death....

2009-12-02T18:35:00.003-06:00

....snazzy title huh?

I sure feel like it.

Remember yesterday's post? The one where I list all the stuff?

Well, let's add another !

I got home and was feeding everyone and Fred the Betta Fish Junior was tits up in his bowl.

Fred was Version 2.0. Fred 1.0 died while Patrick (my stepson) was at school, so G and I hurriedly replaced him with Fred 2.0. Same color, size, everything. God Bless PetSmart.

I actually fell into a laughing fit when I found him. I mean really? He's just a fish. But the whole absurdity of it all just struck me as funny. I think, at this point, if I didn't laugh about it, all of it would hit me at once and I just might go totally over the edge. Cause brothers and sisters, I'm hanging on by a thread. Bless that thread's heart.

Want someone gone? Send them to me.

All I require is a reservation at a great steakhouse, a few bottles of wine, my luck to continue, and I'll send you the tab.

Good thing I look great in black.

2009

2009-12-01T00:00:00.004-06:00

Dear 2009,

You have really disappointed me. We started off so positive with the promise of a Caribbean vacay for G and I, a new boat, season tickets to Auburn football, a NYC trip to the new Yankee stadium and the promise of spending my 40th birthday in a tropical paradise sipping frou-frou drinks.

And then you went right to shit. Yes, I said it - shit. And nooooooo, you couldn't be innocuous and easy. Oh no, not you 2009.....Yanno those new toilets? The ones that go WHOOOOOOOSSSHHHH and sound like they could suck you down with them? Well, someone replaced all of the old slow swirly ones in my life with a BIG one of those. Effers.

Here's my 2009 in bullet form......

* My husband, best friend, buddy and partner in crime died in a freak accident.
* My dad's cancer progressed to the point that he isn't gonna get through Christmas.
* An uninsured illegal Mexican hit my NEW CAR. I had to pay for it.
* A tree in my yard fell over in a storm and crushed my neighbor's cars.
* My favorite cousin had her colon cancer come back. She's back in treatment.
* My family? The drama ? Jeez. It never ends.
* My stepson's mom got his SS check and won't let me see him anymore. Bitch.
* My former stepdaughter is fighting me on the will. See above,add white trash.
* About that, it's been going on for 8 months !
* I can't do anything with the house til it's over. I may lose it.
* I have gone absolutely nowhere in my job and wonder if I ever will.
* I have a crazy dog that destroys ANYTHING that stays still.
* I spent my 40th birthday landlocked. ( but with good friends )
* The people I thought would be here for me ? NOT !
* I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel. Ugh.
* A good friend committed suicide this past weekend.
* Another died in a MC accident right after Greg died. I couldn't make myself go to the funeral because my own grief was so strong.
* My cousin died Sunday night from cancer. My mom called me at work.
* I found out it's not cool to take calls about dead people at work.
* I've developed a raging case of insomnia. Except in daylight hours.
* Turns out death isn't a great diet for me - apparently I'm a stress eater.
* I can't fit into my pants.
* did I mention that my husband DIED?

The only good things that have happened this year are that I found out just how good, true and so there for you internet, Twitter, FB and blogger friends really are. And that real life friends sometimes suck. Not all of them, but as Cyndi Lauper sings, true colors....

Oh, and the Yankees won the World Series and as of right now the Saints are 11-0. And my bangs are longer than they've been in 10 years. And I found some pants that fit.

Little victories. I'll take em.

Borrowed....

2009-11-29T17:41:00.002-06:00

....from Adam..... thanks !!!

If I was a/an _____, I'd be ______

TV show: Seinfeld
Song: Tuesday by Five for Fighting
Movie: Steel Magnolis
Book: It
Fictional character: Sophie Stanton
City: New York
Verb: mess
Color: black
Animal: snake
Emotion: numb
Article of clothing: pajamas
Flavor: sour
Food: junk
Vice: alcohol
Plant: dead
Mythological animal: unicorn
Letter: K
Inanimate object: remote
School Activity: recess
Positive attribute: smile
Negative attribute: weakness

Now you go.

Gravy.....

2009-11-28T00:05:00.001-06:00

Well, that's not exactly what my mom said, it was more like suggesting cancer tuck itself into the derriere of a turkey or something like that....I think it rhymed with duck.

I was rudely awakened by the wild dogs at 0645am so they could go out, and when I walked out I was greeted with this.....

I sat on the deck and had coffee and thought about how G always loved getting up early when we were there because of mornings just like that one. It started my day off with a smile.

Then it was reading the paper and watching the parade with my dad ( and my brother - yay! ) while also running back and forth to the kitchen to help out my mom, who is a saint.

There was lots of food and lots of people ( at different times ) and just lots of love....but mostly, there was this....

And the rest? The rest was just gravy......

Iron Bowl 2009

2009-11-26T18:11:00.003-06:00

It's Iron Bowl time in our state. Auburn vs. Alabama. The insults are fast and furious, the bets are epic, and for one day, there is many a house divided. I've had running banter with my family and friends for weeks leading up to this day. Most of my family is more apt to say "Roll Tide", but some of us managed to escape the madness and proudly declare....

WAR EAGLE BABY !!!

Thankful through the storms....

2009-11-25T00:06:00.000-06:00

Though this year has not been made of awesome, I am still thankful.

I am thankful for my family, those that are here, and those that are not. My friends, in real life and online. Especially my blogger, twitter and internet friends. You have proven time and again that you are here for me, and so many others, no matter what. I am blessed to know each of you.

And mostly I am thankful for memories, old, new and yet to be made....and that on some days, I can hide in them and be in a place where everything was ok, and life was still good.....

James Spann saved my life ( with a little help from my mom)....

2009-11-23T23:06:00.001-06:00

As many of you may know, I'm ~~obsessed~~ very interested in the weather. I'm ~~stalking~~ good friends with several meteorologists here in my area and my only Twitter list consists of ~~fellow weather goobs~~ SkyWatchers. I've posted here before about my adventures in weather , but this time was a doozy...

Five years ago this week James Spann saved my life. For realz.

It was a few days before Thanksgiving and I was still living in Mississippi at the time. Gregory and I were talking and he suggested I come up on Tuesday instead of Wednesday so that not only would we have an extra day to hang out but also the weather was supposed to get bad. So Tuesday morning I got up early, dropped Ted off at doggy camp and headed to the 205. G and I spent the day at one of our favorite hangouts and just chilled out. I then reluctantly went to my parents and he went to Cullman to be with his mother for the holiday.

My dad was coming in the next day from the shipyard so I spent a relatively quiet evening with my mom, helping her prep some dishes and watching TV, and in between stayed on the phone with G. Between the two of us I think we burned around 3000 minutes a month, LOL - if we weren't together we were ALWAYS on the phone. We watched the news and she went off to bed and I stayed on the phone with G some more and went to sleep around midnight.

Around 5am she came to my room and woke me up and told me I needed to come downstairs with her because her weather radio had gone off and there was bad weather around. The bottom of their house is all brick and built into the side of the hill, so that's the best place to be in severe weather. I grabbed my phone and sleepily padded downstairs in my pajamas and took up residence on the couch while my mom put the TV on Jame's live weather cast, all the while listening to me moan and groan about wanting to go back to sleep. In Alabama, James is a weather legend. When he is on TV, you better pay attention because some weather juju is going down somewhere, and if it's near you, you want to know. At the time I did not heed my own advice.

After about 30 minutes of listening to my sleepy bitching and thinking we were in the clear, she agreed to let me go back to my nice warm bed while she stayed up and watched the news. This was around 0540. I got back in bed and was just drifting back off to sleep when the power went out. I had enough time to think "oh great they'll never get it back on in time for us to cook." Then I started hearing thuds and things hitting the side of the house. Then I heard my mother screaming.

The next thing I know, the door is flying open, she's SHRIEKING, glass is shattering and we are headed down the stairs to the lower part of the house...with her pushing me all the way down....how we didn't roll down the stairs and break our necks I have no clue. We barely made it into a closet at the bottom of the steps, and as I was pulling the door shut I could feel the suction trying to pull it open. And I can't say it was scary because actually, it happened so fast. Afterward, I was terrified.

People always ask me what it sounded like. Some say it sounds like a train. To me it sounds like Betty Trimble screaming her head off in one ear with a side of raging wind and breaking glass in the other. When it was over we went upstairs and pretty much all of the front glass was blown out. And though we didn't know it, the house had shifted about half a foot off it's foundation. My brother was pounding on the door because when he looked down from his house he saw this.....

And I walked outside and saw this......

where there used to be this.....

and this.....

Where my room used to be......

Good thing I wasn't in the shower....

My bed that I had been nestled in so comfortably moments before was on an island across the lake...... My clothes were all over the place...and they found my laptop, still in it's case, soaking wet about a mile away.....

And somewhere under there are three boats and a few jet skis.....

....but we were alive, and had the love and assistance of family and friends to help us get out, rebuild and start again.

And for that, I am forever thankful......

Being strong......

2009-11-22T18:22:00.002-06:00

....is highly overrated.

Right now, all I want to do is this....

But I can't.

Damnit.

8 months...

2009-11-20T07:47:00.003-06:00

8 months ago today I woke up from what I can best describe as a tiny respite from my nightmare in one of those hospital chairs that tries to be comfortable but really wasn't.

I was holding Gregory's hand through the mass of wires and tubes.

Standing in front of me were two of the south's finest neurosurgeons.

One of them was holding a clipboard.

Both of them were looking at me.

If you've ever seen Steel Magnolias, you know what comes next.

8 months ago today, my husband died.

I am a widow.

But I guess you all know that by now don't you?

Me ?

I'm still waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me it's just a nightmare.

Thursday's post....

2009-11-19T09:06:00.009-06:00

....has now been password protected for the sake of family unity ...it is now here ....and the link works now.....

DM me on Twitter, email me at kimt205@yahoo.com or if you know my digits text me for the password.

Thanks.

But I think this is headed in a positive way, so mission accomplished.

Two - again.......

2009-11-18T14:11:00.004-06:00

This is the second post about two that I've written in the last week.

I have a sinus infection and bronchitis. Two ailments. It took the nurse two tries on each arm ( obviously, I have two - do ya see the pattern here? ) until she could draw enough blood for the two tests they do. They took two x-rays of my lungs. I have two prescriptions. Only one steroid shot in the ass though. I guess since there's a split in it, I could count it as two.

This morning, my dad went back to his oncologist after she read the scan he had last week.

The cancer has advanced, spreading into his liver, his spine and he has TWO new lesions where there weren't any before. Radiation or chemo won't help. Surgery was never an option.

He has less than two months to live.

Two months.

I will be without the two most important people in my life forever in less than two months.

Screw you world.

Guess which two fingers I'm holding up ?

A friend in need....

2009-11-18T00:01:00.005-06:00

Anissa is a fellow blogger, someone I have met in person and one of my Twitter friends.

She has watched her daughter Peyton battle and defeat cancer, all doing so with a smile and a can-do attitude.

Yesterday she suffered a stroke and is in ICU in an Atlanta hospital.

Please, keep Anissa, including her husband and three children in your thoughts and prayers.

Send her good karma.

Burn a candle.

Whatever.

Just hope, along with her friends and family - in real life and in the blogosphere that she gets better.

And 2009 ? Get on with yer bad self.

PS - If you are in the ATLANTA area and want to help somehow, let me know - either at kimt205@yahoo.com or at 205-377-0546. I am 2.5 hours away and may be going over there depending on the need, and if not I may learn more about resources as the day goes on.

The Three G's......

2009-11-16T02:51:00.003-06:00

It's 0331am on Monday morning and I'm still awake.

I haven't been sleeping well. Even with the aid of prescription sleep aids and other "downer" type meds.

I lay in bed and toss and turn, can't get comfortable, cant turn my mind off.

The fact that I'm not alone in my bed isn't helping. I ~~sleep~~ try to sleep with the three G's wallowing all in the bed with me like some restless pack of dogs.

Grief.

Guilt.

Gregory.

Grief - it's always there. Most of the time I hide it behind a smile, a joke or conversation, only to feel it building up like pressure does against a dam. I feel it's strength, and I take my hands and try and push it back, but it keeps on and on until it's running through my fingers and pooling around my feet and eventually I just have to let it wash over me completely. So many people think I should "be ok" by now, or they have just totally stopped communicating with me at all because I guess they think grief by osmosis is possible. It's the loneliness that really digs in on you and slowly wears you down. It's the not wanting to be a burden, a third wheel, the one everyone feel's sorry for. It's the lack of human communication and the feeling of another person just being there that pokes a tiny hole in your soul and makes everything flat. I hope, when faced with another person who will one day embark on this journey I'm on, that I will remember just how much a hi and a smile, a hug, a phone call, a text, an invite to lunch or to just talk and take a walk would help. There's a song by Train that has a line that goes"Am I the friend I think I am?" I hope when I have to step up and be that friend that I am that and more.

Guilt - Guilt is my ever constant companion. Guilt over not seeing if an ultimatum would have worked - forcing him to go back to rehab? Guilt that I didn't try to have him taken there legally though I promised him I wouldn't. Stupid guilt - guilt over going to work when I knew he would go and drink while I was gone. Guilt because people tell me I shouldn't feel guilt because he was a grown man and made his own choices. Guilt that I wasn't a better wife that could fix him and take the demons away. Guilt over not forcing him to go to the hospital when he fell. Guilt over laughing with him about his black eye two days later while he was still fine, instead of maybe seeing that it could be a sign of something worse. Guilt that when he said he was sleepy and wanted to take a nap he slipped into a coma while I was at work instead of at home where I could have done something, anything. Guilt that maybe I didn't pray enough on the way to the hospital. Guilt that I'm pissed off at God, at thinking there maybe isn't even a God, and the guilt that goes along with questioning it at all. And then the guilt of still being here. Then the guilt from the guilt of all of that and feeling guilty for bitching about it because hey, I'm still alive! It's a freaking guilt goulash around here and it seems like the pot never empties.

Gregory - He is always with me. I talk to him all of the time. Well, I talk to the space around me, but I tell myself he hears me. I see his face on the pictures throughout our house, I look down and see his wedding ring on my finger and the bracelet I gave him on my wrist. His St Christopher hangs around my neck on the same chain that used to fall around his. His clothes are all still in the same places, though by now I've sniffed his smell out of them a thousand times over. I sleep in his pajamas. I walk around in his socks. I use his toothbrush. I miss his voice, his touch, his scent. I miss just the thought of him being somewhere on the same earth as me. When he would go out of town I would cry everytime he left, and he would tell me not to cry, that he would be home before I knew it. He's not coming home no matter how much I cry this time. He's stuck forever in that damn urn that I kiss every time I go by it.

My three constant companions. It's like me and The Three Amigo's.

I guess it beat's being alone.

Teddy VS. Roomba - Round 1 !

2009-11-14T20:31:00.001-06:00

Charity begins at home.....

2009-11-13T00:13:00.003-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about the upcoming holidays and how my days won't be filled with decorating, shopping for my family, cooking, planning who goes where when, what to buy Rachel's boyfriend, what days Patrick would spend here and at his mom's and at the respective relatives.

Yanno, all the normal stuff.

Instead I'll be spending them working, navigating through Probate Court, pre-spring cleaning through my house and it's contents, getting G's headstone moved to it's new home, dealing with the dreaded beauracracy of death, and generally trying to ignore any semblance of holiday happiness and to avoid any and all things that may trigger yet another epic meltdown.

Yanno, my new normal.

Everyone in my family is grown except for one cousin that is 8, the same age as Patrick. I have one of those "Zou-Zou" things for her. I always get my mother a Santa Claus and an Angel for her collection, and I have those already. My brother and I will exchange some little something, usually a bottle of some rad booze or some techie do-dah.

My dad? His most precious gift is time. I plan to spend as much of it with him as I can, including taking Teddy and Beaux to see their "Pappy". My dad lights up when he sees his "boys." While there I hope to give my mom a break from taking care of my dad, but since she's like the dang bionic woman there's little hope of that.

I've had lots of good advice and suggestions of ways to get through the holidays by helping others and giving back, and I have come to the conclusion that it's a damn good idea indeed.

Now, be aware, my fat sassy ass will still be going to the beach at some point once all of this DBOD is over (see above), but in the interim, I have picked five different organization/charities to donate to in some way or fashion to channel my holiday energies into something positive for others that also helps me as well.

Each of them means something to me. There is a personal tie. If you really know me, there might not be a problem figuring them out. If you don't, just understand that each one is near and dear to my heart and that I'll find a bit of the joy of the holiday season by helping them in my own little way. Along with those listed below, when I can, I'll grab an angel for the angel tree, drop a bag of dog and cat food off at the shelter, throw some cans into the food drive bin at Publix, and leave my extra change with the Salvation Army bell ringers. And I may just try and muster a smile or two while I'm doing it.

I'll make these donations not only in my name, but in the name of our family. Whatever the circumstances, death, legal or otherwise, in Gregory's eyes from heaven we are still a family. So they will be made in the name of the Mann Family - Gregory, Kimberly, Rachel and Patrick. We were his family.

And he wouldn't have it any other way.

My choices are below......if you are so inclined, feel free to give them a little love.....thanks.....

* American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

* Friends of Maddie

* Shelby County Humane Society

* American Red Cross - Mississippi Gulf Coast Chapter

* Surfrider Foundation

* The Leary Firefighters Foundation

AvitaWeen Official pics......

2009-11-12T03:41:00.004-06:00

Here's some of the amazing pics taken at Avitaween....these are a few of my favorites...the entire set can be found here...

Me & Karl....
The lovely Britt and myself.....
Me and My Becky !!!

Dawg, Poppy and Sheila....
My three girls !!! Robin, Rachel and Nicole !!

Love this one !! Ty-Man, Britt and Heather....
Adam and Amy...our amazing hosts....
Head of the P.R.B......
Linda, me (in my Alien suit - yea I had dual costumes!! LOL) and Fraughter....

Ty-Man, Me, Becky, Heather, Adam, Poppy and Britt...
Again....
And again !!!

Two....

2009-11-11T07:13:00.006-06:00

I have two new angels in Heaven this year. One of them has a second birthday today.

Happy Birthday Maddie.

In honor of her birthday, I'm asking you all to donate to Friends of Maddie.

In one of my latest posts, I lamented the upcoming holiday season and the fact that I would have no one to buy presents for. I was wrong. This year, I'll be buying presents for the folks that really need them. Just thinking about it makes the holidays a bit more tolerable for me.

It gives me a little bit of the joy that radiated from the beautiful Madeline Alice Spohr that now shines down from heaven. I hope the same joy will fall upon you.

Happy Birthday sweet Maddie. You are loved.

Bah Humbug.....

2009-11-10T00:36:00.003-06:00

Halloween is over.

Thanksgiving is on it's way.

I made it through Halloween OK because G was just kind of "meh" about it. Patrick's mom usually had him at some event or another and heaven forbid we be invited to go along. So usually G was always working or busy, so Halloween was kind of "my" holiday. Like Mardi Gras. "Our" holidays were Christmas, the Fourth of July and St. Patrick's Day. Thanksgiving was a day where we knew we would have to choose where to go family wise. With G, it was a no-brainer. We went to the lake to be with my parents, his "mom and pop", except for the year of the tornado. Christmas and the 4th were always at the lake....and SPD? Always New Orleans.

Christmas is already making me ill. Those damn "I love you" commercials make my head want to spin. Seeing all of the gifts and stuff knowing I have no family of my own to buy for makes me sad. My stepson won't get his bounty that I laid out with almost as much excitement as he would get from seeing it. My SD? Don't get me started. I always tried to make her Christmas special as the ones she had growing up before G got her from her abusive mother were not good. See how that made her turn out. And I always had to wait til the last minute to get G's presents because I could never wait to give them to him ! I cannot even stand the idea of a Christmas carol right now. I am in no mood to deck anyone's halls or fa la la la la, la la, la la. And I know it's not about gifts and stuff, but that's part of it.

And to be totally honest? I'm still mad at God and really don't want to give his son a party at the moment.

Where's the holiday that says I feel like shit and I'm jealous of the rest of yall that will have the Hallmark Christmas?

Oh yea.

It's FESTIVUS.

I'm off to find me an aluminum pole.

The airing of grievances will come soon.

Feats of strength? You're looking at one.

Happy Festivus for the rest of us.

And Bah Humbug.

James Spann saved my life (with a little help from my Mom).....

2009-11-09T15:02:00.021-06:00

....but we were alive, and had the love and assistance of family and friends to help us get out, rebuild and start again.

And for that, I am forever thankful......

Insomnia, nightmares and doggies, oh my....

2009-11-09T13:26:00.002-06:00

The insomnia has been running rampant around here recently.

Some nights I can't go to sleep, some nights I don't want to, and some nights I try and do every remedy known to modern man and nothing works. Ambien just makes me feel loopy, warm milk, uh no thank you, and a hot bath just raises my blood pressure and makes me sweaty and icky. The only thing that seems to work is a few bottles of wine until I basically pass out in the chair. Then I wake up a few hours later feeling like crap with a raging headache and a stomach that gives payback many times over. Then there's that whole alcoholism destroying your liver and consuming unnecessary calories thing.

And when I do sleep, lately I've been having dreams. Weird scary dreams. Dreams where G and I are somewhere familiar, but we are not. We look strange, we talk in strange gibberish and we basically are like aliens in our own world. I wake up freaked out, sweaty and alone. On the rare occasion when I do have a sweet dream about us and normalcy I wake up and cry. On a few occasions I have woken up to the sound of my name. That's one good way to make sure you won't be going back to sleep anytime soon.

All of this nocturnal up and down has put my two dear doggies off their regular patterns as well. Beaux especially senses my angst and sticks to me like glue whenever I awaken and move from the bed to the computer or to the recliner to see if I can fall asleep in front of the TV. I have woken up many times to see his big head laying just under my face - looking at me like "what's up person?" The fact that he has woken me up by barking at me twice in the last week indicates I may have some other weird things going on while I am in nocturne.

But on the opposite ends of the spectrum is the day sleeping. I think I've become a vampire. I'll be up and down all night but let that sun come out and I'll sleep til 2 or 3 pm. Then I'm up all night. Doesn't make for a whole lot of getting things done, but since I'm basically not doing anything but staying home when I'm not at work, I guess it doesn't really matter all that much. I think a lack of routine may have a part in it as well.

Many people say this is a stage of grief, like so many of the others I have been through and will continue to go through. It's been almost 8 months. 8 MONTHS? I cannot believe it's been that long. There will come a day when Gregory will have been out of my life more than he was in it and I just cannot fathom that.

Everyday is a battle. Everyday is one more away from him, his touch, his smile, his sometimes exasperating, stubborn moodiness that would explode into a big grin and a barrage of "I love you's" while he hugged the breath out of me. Everyday it gets harder to get out of bed.

When is it supposed to get easier?

2009-11-08T16:15:00.002-06:00

Finn had this great idea, and since Adam and Dave did it as well, I figured why not, I'd do it too.......

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Finally being with the one you should be with and having health and a happy family.

What is your greatest fear?
It's already happened. The death of my husband.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
That I have chosen to wallow in grief instead of kick it's ass at the gym everyday.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Being undependable.

On what occasion do you lie?
When someone asks me if I'm ok.

What is your greatest extravagance?
Anything electronic.

What is your current state of mind?
Numb.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
Personality.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Understanding.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Cool and awesome sauce.

When and where were you happiest?
New Orleans, March 2007.

Who are your favorite writers?
William Faulkner, Stephen King, John Grisham, Ed McBain, Tami Hoag.

Which talent would you most like to have?
Artistic - I wish I could draw and paint.

If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be?
The dissent that currently divides us.

If you died and came back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be?
One of my dogs, they've got it made.

What do you dislike most about your appearance?
My weight.

Where would you like to live?
New York.

What is your most treasured possession?
My dogs, if this means an inanimate object I would say my grandmothers diamond, which is set into my engagement ring.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Loneliness and despair.

What do you most value in your friends?
Loyalty.

What are your favorite names?
I really don't know.

What is it that you most dislike?
Death.

What is your greatest regret?
Not joining the military to go to flight school when I had the chance at 19.

How would you like to die?
The less painful the better.

What is your motto?
Well behaved women rarely make history.

Geaux Saints !!!

2009-11-07T17:40:00.001-06:00

I've been kind of busy the last few days......but I'll be back to blogging again soon !! In the meantime - GEAUX SAINTS !!

Tunnel ahead...

2009-11-04T18:01:00.003-06:00

Carpal Tunnel ? I haz it. (And for the few of you that don't get the "haz" it, click here.

Anyway, for several weeks I have been experiencing pain in my right hand, wrist and fingers. This happened last year a few times, but never to the degree that it's at now and never enough to make me actually go to the doctor. Last year I blamed it on racquetball and lots of yard work and being married and kind of a newlywed (*ahem*).

But this time I had no such excuse. I tried to blame Facebook, my iPhone and that damn Words with Friends app but I finally had to go see what was up because by Sunday the pain was actually waking me up at night.

After the x-rays and weird Egyptian like hand twisting by my very cute new favorite orthopedist, he was like, yep - it's CTS !! I was actually relieved. I actually thought it might be "THE GOUT" because it runs in my family, and even though I hope it skips a generation I'm still on the lookout for it. Now if you don't know what gout is don't go and google THE GOUT. In technical terms it's just "gout", but all my life, every member of my family has declared that they have "THE GOUT." I guess it's kinda like "THE CANCER", it needs it's own lead-in. And then the thought of arthritis crossed my mind, then quickly went away, because Arthur is way too old for me......

Thank god.

So tomorrow I go get "molded" for a brace and start therapy in hopes that this will stave off surgery.

Dear 2009, can ya lay the hell off now?

If not, I salute you with the very strong middle finger of my left hand.

Thanks.

How to be your own best date....

2009-11-03T12:11:00.007-06:00

Start off the evening with a bubble bath......

While your bath is drawing fix yourself a drink.....

Spit out the nastiness that is that drink and go for something you know is good....

Soak while your steak marinates......

Dress in the proper attire for the evening's events.....

Get the seating area ready... (See the MacBook ? The better to Tweet you with, my dear)

Saute your crabmeat whilst your steak is on the grill.....

Make sure you use the proper seasoning !!

Then get ready to eat !! Nom nom nom ! A nice spanish wine complements our menu!

Seat yourself at the nicely appointed table....

Each seat has a fine view of the evening's entertainment...

Enjoy your meal while talking about the game with your dining companions....

After dinner, take yourself to Kimbux......

I hear she has great Irish Coffee.....

And finish the evening off with a nice light dessert....

And enjoy the game !! Geaux Saints !!

Don't forget to kiss yourself goodnight !!

Here comes the hard part......

2009-11-02T13:41:00.002-06:00

Halloween is over.

Now the hard part starts.

In the next 2.5 months I will have a buffet of despair and agony to choose from. In these days will be Thanksgiving, the Iron Bowl, our wedding anniversary, Christmas, New Years and Gregory's birthday. And of course Probate Court, and the ever present 20th of the month.

The rapid decline of my father from effing-gd-sob-asshat cancer is not going to help make things better. And that's not his technical diagnosis but that's my name for it.

I'm planning some things to keep me busy and hopefully get me through with a minimum of visits by Dr. Lecter and a lack of wailing fits, but damn it's still gonna be tough.

As my very good friend reminded me we are entering fall tornado season and Skywatcher training is coming up, so that will help keep my inner meteorologist busy.

I have a trip back home planned to see my oldest and dearest friends, and I plan to spend a little time in New Orleans while I'm there. New Orleans is dear to my soul, and G and I spent so many great times together there. I hope it will only do me good.

My Saints and my Yankees are doing well, can't say the same for my beloved Auburn Tigers but I love them anyway and as Mrs. Clairee Belcher said in Steel Magnolias.... " I do so love football, but it's hard to parlay that into a reason to live."

Soon after Christmas Mardi Gras season will begin, another of my favorite times of year. And myself and some of my fellow bloggers may throw a spring New Orleans trip together.

And again let me say that the Blogging community has helped me so much these last 7.5 months, thank you thank you thank you. I love all of you and would be lost without your true friendships.

So here I go into the holidays.

It's going to be a bitch, but armed with memories, knowing that Gregory would have wanted me to be happy, and the love and support of good friends I'm going in headfirst with all of my heart.

I think I can.

I know I can.

Halloween and fall .....in pictures....

2009-11-01T19:26:00.007-06:00

Teddy started off the weekend by turning into a terrier-pire and trying to get at Beaux's neck....

A good mantra......
Ross and his fierce costume....
The greeter in my basement !
My front door.....note Beaux looking out the sidelight....
The kitchen table.....
The Mann-tle ...(that's what G used to call it!) He always loved for me to deck it out!
The antique piece from Singapore Gregory also loved...

The dining room...it looked scarier at night !

War Eagle yall !! And BOO !

Party getting started......

I was an evil vampire clown.....

I really wish I had taken more pics but I was too busy handling my punch and jello shots....and now KimoWeen is over.....oh well, there's always next year !!

I have a friend....

2009-10-30T09:35:00.003-05:00

I have a friend that pops into my real life world occasionally and just his mere presence makes my day. Seeing him walking towards me takes whatever weight is on my shoulders right off and I feel a little lighter, a little freer than I did in the moments before he arrived.

My friend understands me. He doesn't judge, or push, or try to make things better because he knows that isn't up to him. My friend just is.

I see my friend everyday on the interwebz and on TV, and in e-mail and on various social media sites.

My friend was and still is a mentor before he became my friend. Our friendship occurred by chance, time and opportunity. His friendship has enriched my life, especially in the last 7 month. He has guided me through this quagmire often with no more than a hug or a few words.

My friend reaches many people in many ways each day. He speaks to groups and schoolchildren and when the Alabama air becomes tumultuous he is the first many look to for reassurance and guidance. He is a legend in our state and someone who so many look up to, myself included.

He is my friend. I am proud to be able to call him that.

Thank you my friend. Once again, you have given me the strength to pick myself up and get going toward whatever God has planned for me today.

And I just might see you on Sunday.

AVITAWEEN !!!

2009-10-29T15:02:00.002-05:00

This past weekend I spent a little over 48 hours in the Orlando / Altamonte Springs area of Florida. I was there to meet blogger friends old and new for Adam's annual Halloween party, Avitaween !!

I had met many of them before including Britt, Hilly, Dave2, Becky, Heather, Karl, Shannon, Brad and Turnbaby, Jill, and a few more.

I made new friends too !! People whose blogs I have read for ages and who I finally got to meet !! I was all SQUEEEE about that !! Dawg, Poppy (who I will hide my corned beef hash from because she is all awesome and stuff!! ), Maria, Faiqa and her amazing husband, Rachel, Ren, Robin,Sheila,Linda (and Fraughter), LeSombre, Nicole, Wendy, Marty and his lovely wife Rita, Shash, Karen, Sassy, Angie, Angel, Finn and other people whose blogs I can't recall right now but will be reading soon!

My only regret of the weekend is not getting to spend enough time with these people...they are all made of awesome sauce and when you out them all together it is totally awesome dressing® !

Next year I'm staying a week, if they don't boot me out of Florida ! Everyone was terrific and I was a bit looser than I was at ConFab, probably because I "knew" most of the attendees already. And I'm sure I'm forgetting someone, and I know there were several people I didn't get to meet because things were just so busy. I had a great time, and instead of boring you with all of the minute details I'll just tell you (and show you ) the most interesting parts of the trip !

Southwest graciously allowed me to roam around the country using a leftover credit that Greg and I had( oh he went too ! of course! - see him in his costume below!) It was a good flight and as we climbed into the air all I could think was that I was getting a little bit closer to heaven. That made me tear up a bit but then it made me smile.

After I met up with Sheila, Linda & Fraughter and Ren and his wife at the ORL airport where we promptly introduced Linda & F to the goodness that is Chick-Fil-A. We then spent an hour at freaking Budget where they tried to give me a two-seater car, whereas I promptly went all Planes, Trains and Automobiles on them and took myself right next door to Enterprise. They got us there.

The rest of the weekend was spent hanging out at the Hilton who makes an amazing Long Island Iced Tea ( or 10 or 12!), hitting Universal City Walk where both Sheila and Fraughter got knocked up in the back of Nicole's van in order to provide better parking for KimKind , general debauchery around Florida and of course, THE PARTY.

It was AMAZING ! The decorations were spot-on, with signature themed Invaded drinks, and Adam even had vacation photos of us with aliens invading them - it was perfect!

(And yes I did KARAOKE!! I was talked into it by Becky and the lovely Mrs. Avitable, and I had a blast - especially since there is no video or photographic evidence of it - I hope!!)

Unlike some people...*ahem*

So, enjoy the pics, there are more at Flickr and I'll leave you with my bullet list of things said/done and overheard at
AvitaWeen ......

* "Yall it's stuck to my buttcheek."
* "I don't think it's supposed to be that big after you pump it."
* "Just put it in my box."
* "Shake it and see if more will come out."
* "You're getting it in my eye!!"
* "Is it supposed to be that green?"
* "Higher or you won't be able to get it in!!"
* "I had to get two before they ran out and I go into withdrawals."
* "I'm not eating anything that looks like dog puke."
* "It's all floppy and might fall off if I go too fast."

Yes I know.....

2009-10-27T21:17:00.002-05:00

* I need to post about Avitaween

* I need to post my room remodel / fall pics

* I need to update my blogroll

* I need to move this buggy to WordPress

* I need to be answering my comments !!

I'll try to get to all of that and more later this week !

Keep checking in !!

Thanks !

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM !!!

2009-10-26T11:51:00.005-05:00

(Avitaween post will come later, today I am celebrating the woman who graced the world with my presence - my MOMMY!! Yall should celebrate too ! )

Happy Birthday Mom !!! _ _ years of life on this earth and you are still kicking it's butt !

I love you and thank you for being an amazing mother, wife, mentor and friend !!

Bullet-Tin...

2009-10-21T23:40:00.005-05:00

I haven't been in a writing mode the last few days. Well, I have, but they are gut wrenching and pukealicious ( on my end ) so I said the hell with it and am just taking a bit of a break.

I've been off work all week because of a remodel, and have been keeping myself kind of busy...spending time with my dad, and dealing with mortgage companies, bill collectors, lawyers and all of the other components that make up the Dreaded Bureaucracy of Death.

But very soon, I will be heading to Avitaween. There I will be seeing some of the most awesome people ever.

And then I will blog about it !!

To quote my friend Britt, "I’m going to enjoy the next few days with people I hardly ever see. I’m going to set aside the suck, knowing it will be right where I left it when I’m ready to dive back in, and just not think about that right now."

Yea.

Fun??

I'm gonna GET ME SOME !

Blogging, Integrity and Truth...

2009-10-19T13:11:00.006-05:00

The last few days there has been an Internet controversy regarding a series of tweets and a blog post by a very popular mommy blogger. I read this person's blog, follow her on Twitter and called her my "Internet friend."

If you've missed it, you can google catch up here. And here, here, and here. It's been quite the crap storm and puts every type of blogger in an unwelcome position.

I personally have my own opinion on the whole thing, but I'm not going to vilify anyone or spew vitriol out about the situation. My opinion, as well as whether or not I share it, is mine to do with what I want. I hope the person who started this BS gets what she needs to help her and that somehow this whole mess can become a positive in some minute way, because right now it's just a big old negative in blogville.

There are lots of other bloggers that have posted amazing responses to this whole thing on their blogs. Please take a minute and check them out.

I will say that even though I don't have ads on my blog, I don't get paid and I never get chosen to review things I pour as much of my heart and soul into this blog as many way more popular (and sponsored) bloggers do.

I've had this blog for almost two years, but didn't really start posting regularly until Gregory died. It's been my outlet, my pressure vent, and a portal into a virtual world where I have met so many amazing people. many of whom I will call my lifelong friends.

Everything I post here is the truth. The emotions are mine, the feelings are mine, as are the words.

Most days I just sit down in front of the keyboard and the words flow out. Others, I may have an idea for a post and write it a day ahead of time. And some days I just do memes or post a picture or a quote that has touched me that day.

But in the end, it's the truth. I may get over-emotional and weepy and be dramatic, but it never morphs into a lie. As bloggers, we have all stepped back and forth over invisible lines that separate fact and fiction. It's the nature of writing.

But this is my truth.

And to lie about anything involving that would dishonor the person whose name is forever written in stone and on my heart.

You can find me in da club.....

2009-10-18T21:58:00.004-05:00

Sometimes while I'm driving around I'll see signs that say "Celebrate Recovery!" and "Divorce Support Groups" and countless other signs for organizations that meet in churches, community centers and in towns all around.

Until recently I never gave these signs much thought. Then I started realizing that I didn't see any "Club W" signs sticking out of the ground, wavering on their thin metal legs like wheat in a breezy field. I see no signs for the club I have been reluctantly indoctrinated into.

Sure, there are grief support systems everywhere. But unlike most clubs, it's not so easy for us to have an uplifting sign or banner telling the world about our group.

If so, it would have to be a big sign.

At the very least, it would have to have images of our club members doing the following:

* wailing
* sitting and staring blankly
* laughing uncontrollably
* racked with silent sobs
* expressing guilt over the earlier laughter
* anger
* denial
* laying in bed all day

And countless other images from the roller-coaster of emotions us club members are treated to.

I tried to go to a grief support group. It didn't quite fit at the time. I'm going to try again in a few months, after I make it through the holidays. I'm afraid I'll be taking my mother at some point by then.

I fit in pretty well in the blog-o-sphere though. I've even found other members of the club and now call them my friends and fellow members. I want to thank them, as well of all of you that read and leave comments here. You've helped me make it these last almost 7 months and even though it's been hell, I am a stronger person because of your help in making me take steps forward.

Thanks.

Good advice.

2009-10-18T00:23:00.001-05:00

“Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.”

Winston Churchill

Double Jeopardy

2009-10-16T00:15:00.002-05:00

A year ago today on Oct 16, 2008 is when I found out my dad had cancer. It was the same day my company's new laptops came out. It's weird how I associate these two. It also sucks because every time I see one I literally see the words DADDY HAS CANCER flashing across the screen.

His journey with cancer started off as a misdiagnosis of ACID REFLUX ! Way to go Doc. Last summer he had trouble swallowing and would often get what we call the "vurps" and wasn't feeling too great. The doctor told him to keep taking his Prilosec. Yea. Good call. He then went in for a stress test and numbers were elevated or something so they said HEART ATTACK ...and sent him in an ambulance to the local hospital (which doubles as a building full of no useful info whatsoever). Wherein this building they did no MRI / Cat Scan , nothing but an EKG, and OH MY !! No signs of cardiac arrest.

Gregory and I finally talked him into going to see a different doctor, and that's when they found the esophageal cancer. Stage 3. Invasive. 8 to 18 months with chemo. Today marks a year since I heard those words from my mother, standing in a parking lot where they had come by work to tell me what they didn't want to tell me over the phone. One year since my father's eyes hid behind the same brand of sunglasses that we have both had on while we held each other silently, each one of us fighting off the tears harder than the other. So alike, he and I. I am my father's daughter. One year and my daddy is still alive. Alive, but not well.

I can see where the cancer has taken it's toll. He has lost and gained weight, he has lost hair. He tires easily. I usually find him in his recliner, either reading or sleeping. A week or so ago I went down to do the fall hedge trimming and other assorted chores that Gregory and I would always help him do. Except this year I did it all myself. My mom helped by doing some raking, but she's almost 68 years old and can only do so much herself before tiring. She told me after about 30 minutes of work that my dad was inside crying because he couldn't help his daughter. I don't think I could have pierced my heart with the gas hedge trimmer I was wielding and made it hurt more than knowing that my daddy was crying. I managed to cover up my sobs with the whine of the trimmer and soaked up the tears on my gloves.

Mom, there's some things I don't need to know.

When I found out my dad had cancer, I was stunned. I left work early and went straight home to Gregory , who I told face to face and then we held each other and cried for just a minute until he said "Pops is strong, he will beat this and we have to be strong for him." He was devastated. He loved my dad and felt closer to him than he did his own, who was abusive to him in so many ways. He once told my dad that he never had a father, and asked him to be the one he never had. Sure, they didn't always get along, I mean really?? What daddy get's on with his #1 girl's man 100% of the time? But oh how G loved my daddy, and I was so happy that finally the two men in my life were on the same page.

I did some grieving of my own, but I try to put on a brave happy face when I am around my dad. I go to his doctor's appointments, but sometimes he wants me to leave the room when the doctor comes in to talk to us. I understand, he just wants to protect his baby.

So I kept moving through life, working, taking care of my husband and stepson, helping my parents with things that needed doing, and talking to my mom and dad 2-3 times a day and googling and web-md'ing what I could find about esophageal cancer.

And then my Gregory died.

And the little part of my life that the cancer grief had wedged itself into exploded. Then imploded.

I am grieving the death of my husband. My husband was a recovering / non-recovering alcoholic. The contents of a bottle of vodka were too strong for him to resist. A little fall , a black eye , him walking around laughing and goofing with me as usual? That turned into a slow bleed that killed him after he was fine for several days. The doctors call it "talk and die" syndrome. His liver was so messed up his blood wouldn't clot. Type 2 diabetes didn't help. So he died. And part of me went with him and I will never, ever be the same.

I am grieving the impending death of my father. There is no cure. There is no hope. The man smoked for 50 years. He got cancer. The cigarettes that he loved are coming back in the form of cancerous cells that are killing him. And I am scared to death to lose my daddy.

But I think I'm scared for me too. I'm scared that I have poured so much of myself into grieving for Gregory that I haven't given myself the time or space to deal with the fact that my daddy is going to die.

And then it's just me and my mom. And what is she gonna do? That's gonna leave me as the strong one. The one who handles things. The one.

I don't want to be the one.

I want to be Kim.

I want my husband.

I want my daddy.

I want my life back.

I haven't done anything wrong.

I thought cruel and unusual punishment was against our constitution.

I thought double jeopardy wasn't allowed.

I want my pardon.

I want my happy ending.

MUDSLIDE !!

2009-10-15T09:39:00.001-05:00

And unfortunately, I'm not talking about my favorite daquiri flavor....

We have had SO MUCH RAIN here in central Alabama the last few months we are beginning to have mudslides and sinkholes. A total anomoly around here.

Yesterday, my parents woke up, looked out their front window and this is what they saw.

That is our neighbor's boathouse. And his boat.

Apparently, there was so much rain the hill gave way and triggered a mudslide, and the mud basically pushed the boathouse off of it's pilings.

The yellow house next to the bobbing boathouse is my parents.

It made the Alabama Weather blog which totally made my day since I am a total weather goob....and one of our local TV stations came down and filmed a segment , took pics from their porch and even asked mom if she'd comment on camera. She declined as she said she wasn't "at her best." My mother, on a bad day, could go into Saks and look better than half the people there. I think she just missed her 15 minutes of fame. *grin*

Here's the clip.......

Naturally, they are all freaked out that their house will be next.....which is a genuine concern, even though they did spend a literal boatload of money several years ago having the hill covered in concrete.

But just in case, I suggested they keep a flotation device by the bed.

I got me a pretty monkey...

2009-10-14T00:36:00.000-05:00

Yes, the title of this post was something someone actually said to me....

Once upon a time, before my husband died and my story became a bad Lifetime movie, I had a life.

I had friends. Lifelong friends. Regular haunts, restaurants, bars, places to go and things to do. Traditions. Annual events. Fun. Hey let's load up and go here and here and here just because we can !!! And because OMG how much fun did we have last time !!

I lived in Poplarville, Mississippi for over 20 years. After growing up in Singapore, it was like coming back to Mayberry. But it was a good thing. A good town. And even better people. No matter what, it will always be home. And that is where my heart is.

We went here every year. . As usual, we stopped and got a ~~few gallons of~~ daiquiri or two on the way to go along with our ice chest on wheels . (Perfectly acceptable in Louisiana to BYOB to the fair ! In a state where we have a law saying it's ok to shoot a carjacker?? That's tame.)

Besides the rides, the Washington Parish fair (no counties here, we're special yall) had all of the cheesy carnival games guaranteed to make you blow your dollars while still having a blast. My fave?? Betting a quarter on a colored dot and hoping that the ball rolled into it's corresponding hole. A cajun version of roulette, if you will. The ball used to be a mouse that would be released from a box and run into a hole of his choosing, but with PETA and mouse labor unions all that came to a squeaking halt.

One miraculous night I laid down a few of my quarters and lo and behold, the ball fell into my hole.

Wait, let me rephrase that.

It wasn't just any hole, it was the golden hole !!

Oh shit.

Wait.

OK, erase those visuals from your mind.

I put a quarter on a SPARKLY GOLDEN SPOT ON A WHEEL ( not my hole, get it? ), and the ball sniffed out my golden sparkly hole (dammit) and fell right in !!

And I went WHEEEEEEEEEE MY HOLE !!

And I may very well have jumped up and down a bit (just to make sure it was securely in the hole, yanno).

Because as any good fair-going woman knows, when the ball lands in the golden hole, you get a prize!

And not just any prize mind you, ohhhh noooooo, you get the top prize ! The prize that sticks out amongst all of the other fair prizes ! The prize that shows itself proudly with the biggest tent pole at the fair ! No low hanging prize for you missy ! You get the well-hung, top prize!

Uhrrr, wait.

Oh the hell with it.

You get the biggest, hairiest, most squeezable prize in all of fair-land - the STUFFED ANIMAL !!!

YAY !!

And then you get to cart said prize through the fairgrounds, all the while deflecting the jealous stares of lil' children whose prize gathering skills are still in progress, the evil glow of the women's eyes who implore you to take your skills away from the prizes of their husbands, and the longing in said husbands eyes who think, ohhhhh she knows how to handle the balls that lead to the golden spot.....

....and while you walk proudly through the crowds with the prize that only your golden hole could procure, a voice calls out from the masses....a voice weathered by the years of Pall Malls and late nights of singing along with the American Legion band...a voice destined to remind you of your ~~worst nightmares~~ dreams of glory at the fair...

... the voice pierces your ears and it says.....

"Hey little lady.....YOU SURE GOT A PRETTY MONKEY!!!"....

...and after the inevitable moment of HORROR, and the grasping of your pretty monkey while trying to hold your friend's mouth shut so her peals of laughter won't crack glass within 10 miles, you gather up the inner strength and intestinal fortitude to say these words....

"Well yes, yes I do ...... Thanks !!!"

**This post approved by PRETTY MONKEY.**

Maybe tomorrow......

2009-10-13T00:21:00.006-05:00

"If you propose to speak, always ask yourself, is it true, is it necessary, is it kind? - Buddha

I don't have much to say today.

Not much seems necessary or kind in my head today.

And the truth? The truth hits me like a ton of bricks every time I gather the courage to face it.

Whoever said it first was right.

The truth hurts.

And it seems that nothing can take the pain away for long.

Maybe tomorrow....

Just a little snip....

2009-10-12T11:51:00.001-05:00

I love a veterinarian's office with a sense of humor. Wonder which one of the ladies was having marital problems that day??

(Taken in Helena, Alabama.)

Close-talkers..

2009-10-08T19:27:00.006-05:00

Remember the Seinfeld episode with Judge Reinhold as a "close talker" ?

Apparently this trend is alive and well in central Alabama. In the last few days I have encountered no less than 5 close talkers. And I don't get it...don't they know about personal space and boundaries? Don't they know my aversion to complete strangers recycling my oxygen as their own?

Apparently not.

I experienced this type of person many times in my law enforcement career, but I found a subtle but firm grip of my hand on the butt of my Sig-Sauer .45 instantly remedied the situation.

Now, apparently I have the appearance of someone who is either blind, hard of hearing or has an affinity for smelling your breath. I mean I know I'm smoking hot and all

**crickets **

...but really?? Back up bub.

And it's not just older people, or someone who can't hear....oh noooo, it crosses all age lines and apparently does not discriminate.

Yesterday, I actually had a close talker that gave me such a case of the heebies I had to leave the area several times. I'm sure he's a very nice fellow, but he looked just like Buffalo Bill from Silence of The Lambs, down to the blond stringy hair and dual hoop earrings. He also kept touching my arm and asked me several what I thought were TMI questions like how long had I worked there, where I was from, where I lived and could he "oh please have a business card". He also began and finished each sentence with my name. It was like being in a creepy-deepy echo chamber. Or a pit in the basement. **uuurggghh** It's bad enough I have Dr. Lecter coming by to see me, now this guy. And anyone who has seen the movie knows that Bill likes the big girls.

Today it happened a few more times. I'm getting so good at walking backwards I could probably learn to moonwalk.

Now, I can't be a total hypocrite and I will say that hey, if you're my type I am about the close talking and you can just lean in and love all over me if you want. Unless you have funky teeth or smell like an ashtray, then you can just go on with your bad self. Sorry, I love the pretty pearlies and can't stand the smoky smell unless it involves firewood, burning leaves or the scent of a filet wafting out of the grill. And bacon. Mmmmmmm bacon.

So basically, unless you look like this ,

This,

or this,

Please give me my space and I'll give you the same courtesy.

Wonder if I could find a snappy pink holster for my Sig?

Random Awkwardness.....

2009-10-06T19:21:00.007-05:00

I experience episodes of random awkwardness on a near-daily basis.

The people that bring the climate of R-A upon me aren't being malicious or intentionally hurtful, they are just doing what people do in the course of everyday conversation. Even so, sometimes I just wish people would zip it.

R-A usually pops up in a random conversation between me and people I deal with at work, or at a store, restaurant or some place where I am buying something or getting a service.

Thursday, I went to the dentist. After getting my pearlie's shined I was at the receptionist's desk making my next appointment when one of the tech's walked up. She smiled her usual cheery smile and asked me her usual cheery question "How's married life?" Ouch and hellloooo Random Awkwardness !! The ladies in the office just kind of looked up wide-eyed, as they had already heard about Gregory's death from the myriad of my family members that use the same dentist. I took a deep breath and told her what had happened, and embarrassed, she mumbled I'm sorry and left out of there like her ass was on fire. I wasn't mad, and she had no need to be embarassed because she didn't know and was just being nice. But it sure made everyone feel the wrath of R-A.

The same day I stopped at a restaurant that I had been avoiding because it was one of our regular haunts, but I was missing it and thought that maybe it was time to go back. I figured the turnover rate had been pretty high before so there was no way the same people we knew would be there. Wrong. Immediately upon sitting down I was asked " Hey, where's your husband?"
I managed to quell the urge to jump up and flee long enough to push out, "Oh, he's out of town." (Not a total lie.) Then I ordered myself a nice stiff drink. Cheers baby.

I also have to stop the sick bitch that lives inside me who carries around a little teeny urn full of his ashes in my purse and resist the urge to whip them out and boom " He's right here !! At least part of him anyway, and judging from the size of this container it's probably his big toe or something." I have unfortunately bestowed that act on several unsuspecting fellow bloggers, I mean there are pictures and everything. I'd like to go ahead and apologize for that now. I blame the drugs.

Anyway.....

See the difference?? With some people, R-A requires the truth be delivered as bluntly and harshly as the drop of a guillotine blade. With others, you can dance around it as you would a pile of horse droppings in the middle of the fairgrounds.

I've experienced a bit of R-A in the past, but it was oh so different. When I was getting a divorce from my first husband, people would ask where he was or how he was or whatever and I would instantly stifle my breaking grin and blurt out - "We're getting divorced !!" while trying to hide the glee in my voice and attempting to keep from doing a little happy soft-shoe right there in front of them.

This time, obviously it's not even the same. I can't just say "Oh he died unexpectedly and it tore out my heart and changed me forever and it was all I could do not to follow him into the crematorium and everyday it's a struggle to get out of bed and act like a normal person and breathe and not drink myself into a stupor every night because that's the only way I can really sleep and I type a lot of run-on sentences in my blog posts but really I don't care anymore because my best friend is dead and frankly I just don't give a shit about proper punctuation but I'm really good at faking it and pretending that your question doesn't feel like a knife going into my heart. "

I damn sure wish I could answer it that way sometimes though. But it probably wouldn't earn me alot of friends. Probably get me to the secret floor in the hospital basement pretty quick-like, actually.

But I can't. So I don't.

Oh sure, with people I will have to see again, and some people who aren't close but I feel comfortable with, when they say something I grit my teeth, turn off my emotions and put on my brave face and tell them in a carefully rehearsed and memorized statement what happened. Then I wait for the inevitable condolences and other things that follow. And then I thank them and walk away.

The guy at Auto Zone who tells me my husband can probably put the wiper blades I just purchased on my Jeep?

The lady at Target who comments on how beautiful my rings and jewelry are and that I'm a lucky girl and my husband must have good taste?

And the lady at Publix in the deli that always tells me to tell that crazy chatty husband of mine hi?

And all the other carriers of R-A ?

To them, I say "ha-ha" or "will do" or "Thanks" while making low gurgling noises and extracting myself from their space as quickly as possible without pulling my hair out and running away screaming.

I seem to be getting better at telling people what happened though. I try to think of what G would always say - "it is what it is."

Maybe one day I'll actually be able to tell everyone the truth.

My husband's dead and he's never coming back.

He'll never sit with me at some empty restaurant in the middle of a weekday and talk about stuff that only matters to us while we plan our next adventure or even our next nap.

He'll never again tell me he's got me something shiny because I'm his sunshine.

He'll never change the wiper blades on my jeep or quiz the deli lady about whether their prosciutto is as good as what we could get in Philly.

He'll never tell me he loves me again or ask me not to go to work that day so I could hang out with him.

But every day, he somehow gives me the strength I need to make it through the next second, the next minute, and the next hour that string together to form the long days without him.

He gives me the will to fight through the random awkwardness, to be proud to be his wife, and to know that one day , in some way either decreed by a higher power or otherwise, I will find myself seeing his smile and folding myself into his strong embrace again.

Keep bringing it babes, 'cause I won't let the R-A keep me down.

Yanno....

2009-10-05T00:40:00.004-05:00

...what really, really sucks about being a widow??

Besides the whole husband being dead and all ?

It's the little things.

It's having a great blog post written about the amazing Sunday you spent at your parent's house doing the yardwork that your husband used to do, and being able to do it all by yourself and you figured out all of the lawn tools and the hedges you trimmed look oh so even, and being so proud and feeling all accomplished and "super widow-y" like, even though you got a hang nail on your pinky toe because like an igmo, you wore no socks with your yard shoes.

It's having a fab evening that included Waffle House, champagne, good friends and favorite fall TV shows. It's thinking "Hey !! Maybe I will get through this after all!" It's anticipating a great "Me" Monday of a mani/pedi, a new fall hairdo', and a late lunch and movie before Monday Night Football.

Then......

It's ripping out aforementioned pinky toe hangnail by scraping the laundry basket whilst walking through the bathroom, bleeding all over the beige bedroom carpet like a stuck pig, and breaking down into a wailing, snot flinging mess on the cool bathroom tile because you can't find the neosporin, nor any band-aids, and the dog is trying to lick up the peroxide you spilled on the floor while hopping across the tile on your one good foot.

Then after you manage to regain just a bit of composure you only find coach's tape to wrap your pinky toe in, and you do a craptacular job of that because hell everyone knows it takes TWO PEOPLE to properly wrap a pinky toe and I'll be damned if my person didn't up and DIE ON ME so my toe looks and feels like deviled crap.

And it was 5 minutes after midnight, which meant MONDAY.

Hey Monday??

See that pinky toe there?? Sit and spin would ya?

Shared paths.....

2009-10-03T20:03:00.004-05:00

"I will not fail you, my love. I will continue on the path we shared and I know you will be there to help me, as you always were. And when we meet again at the journey’s end, and we laugh together once more, I will have a thousand things to tell you."
-Unknown

Friday funny......

2009-10-02T15:23:00.001-05:00

Thanks to my friend Robin at Alabama Slacker Mama for this, it was too funny not to share !!!

Rocktober......

2009-10-01T09:46:00.005-05:00

It's OCTOBER already? Wow.

I can't believe how quickly it's made it here. This has been a hell of a year.

October is one of my favorite months, the weather starts to change, fall festivals are happening, football is abundant, and of course, Halloween !!!

I hope for a good month, because the next few with holidays and what would have been our anniversary and G's birthday coming up, I am thinking I'll be spending alot of time with Dr. Lecter. So I'm making a few changes, doing a few new things and I'm gonna rock-tober and try and make it a good one.

Today I am headed to the dentist to have my pearlies shined, then I'm going to buy some fall flowers and pumpkins and start my fall decorating ! This is guaranteed to make my day a happy one.

This is last year's mantle....

I'm gonna try and color it up some this year !!!

And alas , unlike last year, I don't think I'll be subjecting anyone to the horror of pet costumes.....

I'm sure the shame of that night still lingers in his little brain.

Well, happy fall y'all !

I'll post pics of decor here as it goes up !!

Hello?? Hello?? Can you hear me now ?

2009-09-29T18:38:00.006-05:00

"Hello ??

Hello, may I speak to Gregory Mann?

Uhm, no, he's not available.

Do you have a better number for me to reach him at?

Noooo, not really.

Is this his wife?

Yes. *sighs*

Hi, my name is (insert random hospital / medical / ambulance / x-ray / doctor's office bill collector here). I'm with "we'll annoy the heck out of you collection services even though you've told us over and over your husband's estate is still tied up in probate and you can't get blood from a stone and that as soon as you start being the Executor you'll call us back and give us money but we don't listen and we don't notate the account because we're too busy looking at midget porn and telling our friends on FB and even though the only number we can reach you at is Google Voice message with a snarky voicemail message we ignore all of that and keep calling you anyway !!!" How are you today?

Great. *SIGH* Look, I've talked to you people ( being really nice and not saying asshats / igmos / jerks ) dozens of times in the last 7 months and nothing has changed. When it does, I have a list of people just like you who I'll be calling as soon as I am able to turn my pennies into bills and be assured, you will be seeing the monthly MINIMUM from me. Yes indeed.

Ohhhh, GREAT !! Well, in the meantime, is there another relative or party that may have an interest in the estate that we could contact ?

WHY YES !!! Here's the names, work, cellular and home telephone numbers, and addresses. Please, be my guest, feel free to call them ANYTIME.

Oh thank you so much, sorry to bother you. Goodbye.

*tick tock tick tock*

Riinnnggggg Rinnnnnggggg.

Hello??

Hi, (this is all that I just typed up there) again, the party says they are not responsible any of Mr. Mann's estate.

Well, as I'm sure they'll find out, because they have laid a claim to the estate, by Alabama State Law they are most definitely responsible for those debts and possibly more !

Ohhhhh ok, well thanks.

No prob, call them anytime.

Anyone else wanna slice of this pie ?

Let's go to the playoffs !!!

2009-09-28T10:11:00.008-05:00

Smoke em if ya got em baby !!!!

The NEW YAWK YANKEES are the 2009 AL EAst Division Champs !!!

Uncle George and I approve !!

Cheers !

And the best part - we did it at home, while sweeping the evil RED SOX !!

THANK YOU MY BRONX BOMBERS !!

My fall will be a bit better now !

Sunday Secrets.....

2009-09-27T10:05:00.009-05:00

I love Post Secret. I have all of the books and I check the website regularly. In a few weeks I'm going to an event in Tuscaloosa where I hope to meet the man behind P.S.

I've never sent one in myself, but sometimes I see ones that makes me do a double take, because someone, somewhere, has the same secret as me.

Tis the Season (s).......

2009-09-25T20:08:00.006-05:00

I noticed earlier this week that the "retail elves" have been busy. Christmas has begun to fling itself in our faces already, and just like every year, it's more, more, more and now, now, now.

Holidays are tough for a lot of people , and for many different reasons. Just because my husband's dead doesn't make my hurt any less than someone else who is suffering.

It just makes it my own.

There have already been a few holidays and occasions in the last 6 months. Easter was not so bad, probably because it was low-key, kind of the way we always spent it. Plus I still think I was in STUN-MODE at that time.

Father's day? Ugh. Not only is my dad in Stage 4 cancer, so that was probably his last, but Gregory was a father too. And right next to the cards for dear old dad ? FOR MY HUSBAND, WITH LOVE. Well. Wonder what kind of "extra postage" I'd need for that one?

All of the summer holidays were difficult as we loved being at the lake, and that was his time to cook and be on the boat and be "KING OF LAKE MITCHELL.": )

My birthday came and went, and thanks to the help of many fine friends it was a good time and Dr. Lecter managed to keep his appearances down to a minimum.

And we're in the midst of football season. This is tough. And that's all I'm gonna say. Besides War Eagle baby.

Coming up, we got Halloween and Christmas. Those two were always my favorite, especially Halloween.

G loved Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Last year we spent Christmas out of town at a resort with my parents. My dad was sick and he wanted to make it easier on my mom instead of her having to host and all that. Gregory said he always wanted to go out of town and Christmas so we joined the. Christmas Eve we had a lovely dinner with my parents, and G and I walked along the beach and talked while we drank wine. We then sat on the pier and just hung out for awhile and looked for Santa. : )

Christmas morning, we had room service and then went to the spa for massages. We then had brunch with my parents and spent the afternoon in the hot tubs around the pool and just relaxing.

It was a great Christmas. I am so glad G got to do what he wanted.

This year my parents have rented a beach house, cause my dad wants to spend it away again. I'm going too. I'm not so sure I'm gonna be in the mood to be decorating and ho-ho-ho-ing and such. And our wedding anniversary is 10 days before ho-ho day, so that will be tough as well.

Then there's New Years, which will be a bitch because we always spent it at the lake, grilling steak and lobster, and having the whole caviar and champagne while we cook, shooting fireworks and generally falling asleep while we were both curled up in the giant double recliner we have down there.

And don't even get me started on St Patrick's Day. I may just have to find somewhere on the planet with no green and no Irish ties when that time rolls around.

I am having a Halloween party though.

I'm starting my own traditions.

Without forgetting our past.

Mine !! No Mine !! Mine !! No Mine !!

2009-09-25T09:49:00.004-05:00

Things are trucking along as usual here.........

And how was your week ?? ; )

Movement.....

2009-09-23T06:41:00.001-05:00

Life is made up of movements.

We move forward, backward , up, down, sideways. We are constantly in flux, whether good or bad, movement is constant and reliable. Whether we like it or not.

My dad moves up and down in his chair, trying to ease the comfort that chemo rages on his cancer-ridden body. My mother moves around in her own way, trying to keep her body and mind busy in a vain attempt to ward off the impending movement of widowhood that washes over her like the waves that have already overtaken her daughter.

I move occasionally. Chasing these crazy dogs around. I get out of bed and go to work. I move around this yard we loved to work in as a team, except now I'm on my own. My mind moves all day, positive , negative, pretending to be happy, actually being happy, then moving to try to find a place, some happy medium, where I can be happy without moving into guilt.

Life, time, traffic, kids, friends, family, pets.

Everything moves.

I'm getting ready to move too. Eventually I will sell this house we lived in and move somewhere else, somewhere that wasn't ours, but mine. And I'm ok with that. G liked this house, but his heart, and his home, were at the lake.

G is moving. What little puff of ashes that are left in that box and the beautiful stone that marks it will soon be at a place that he would have wanted, in a beautiful marble urn, in a place where he was happy, loved and should have been all along. I should have put him there in the first place, but I tried to have a heart and give the people that have now turned against me, against us,a place to go. But now, he will move to a place he loved. It is as it should be.

But I have learned in these last 6 months, that wherever I am moving, G is moving with me. Not just in the remnants of his ashes that are under my skin, or the ones I carry with me, but in my heart and soul.

So I am ready for the movements. It's almost like being a kid again, learning to surf in the waves off the coast of Bali or Phuket.... the movement beneath you may be initially terrifying, but you learn to master the flow and wash ashore, ready to ride again...... and I think I'm ready.... : )

2009-09-22T22:44:00.001-05:00

I wish I was in Panama City Beach.....

2009-09-22T15:26:00.003-05:00

...cause in Panama City Beach....

The sky is cryin'......

2009-09-20T23:21:00.004-05:00

...last night, after a particularly lazy but mind messing day, I decided to do one of the things that G and I used to do together.

We used to grab our "go-chairs" as he called em, and either sit in one of our garage bays with the door open or sit out by the chiminea up on the hill.

I'm not too fond of sitting in the woods by myself , even with an open flame, especially when it's muggy as heck outside.

And since last night was the six month "death-a-versary", I decided I'd take myself a glass of our favorite wine outside and sit and just talk to him. I wanted to be out there at 1107 pm, when he "officially" left me.... 6 months ago...though I know that no matter what the State of Alabama and some piece of paper says he will never leave me. Never.

I even took his favorite Buddha candle thingy and lit it under his tree.

I think I got the chair set up and plopped my happy ass down in at at around 1106pm.

And at 1107 ??

He talked back....via rain.....

...if only for 40 something seconds. He talked quick, and he talked hard, and he followed with the soft talk of love, as he always did.

Do I find it strange that in an unusual Alabama weather season it was cloudy at our house but didn't rain all day for the first time in a week?? No.

But I find it very unusual, and oh so Gregory like that at 1107 PM on the 6 months mark since he died that he made it known that somewhere, somehow, he's still with me.

It thundered for a bit right after, and a few flashes of lightning lit up the sky. I can only hope that was him not wanting to leave, and the glisten and brightness of his beautiful eyes trying to find mine.

As I sit here now, I hear a bit of thunder and an unrestful sky.

The doggies are active, growling at the weather.

I hope they are talking to their daddy in their own language.

If not, I'll blame it on the rain.

The sky is cryin'. Me too.

Six.......

2009-09-20T00:19:00.001-05:00

6 months.

25 weeks.

181 days.

4,344 hours.

260,640 minutes.

15,638,400 seconds.

And I still can't make myself believe that he's never coming back.

Never.

That word never meant that much to me before.

Til never was never again.

EDIT:

Around 3 am I heard my name out loud. I had been sleeping fitfully before then, up and down, hearing things, dogs restless and moving around alot. I got up and walked around, and even though I really don't believe in ghosts and all that, it was weird. It was like a presence in my house. I dunno how to explain it. I guess if this is the point where people really start going insane, my turn's here.

Better days ahead.....

2009-09-19T00:01:00.004-05:00

....when things were tough or weren't going like we hoped, G would always say "Better days ahead."

Watching this, I think my better days are behind.

I hope, one day he will lead me to "better days ahead".

Priceless.....

2009-09-18T09:31:00.002-05:00

Vet visit for antibiotics, medicated shampoo and new food for allergies? $197.00

New down pillows ? $50.00

New body pillow ? $20.00

Dyson Animal Pet Vacuum? $500.00

King size mattress for all of our stretchiness? $1000.00

Unconditional love and playing monsters under the bed each night??

Priceless.

I love you boys. Thanks for giving me unconditional love and endless entertainment these last 6 months. I wouldn't have made it without you.

From Janine - What not to say.....

2009-09-16T20:42:00.002-05:00

This post is from Janine (txmomx6), a fellow widow and contributor to Widow's Voice, who lost her husband Jim. She is an amazing writer and especially mother, and she gave permission to share this. 6 months ago I would have never known her, but now, even though it's a double-edged sword , I'm glad I "know" this amazing survivor.

Even though most of this hits home with me, the parts about the kids obviously cannot. But they still touched me and I hope, if there is a widow reading this, with kids or not, that it helps you through your day, your minute, your second without the person you could never imagine life without.

We widows know that the clock is a cruel housemate.

I am honored to post it here.

OK .... forgive me, but I'm cheating today. I'm copying a post I put on my blog over a year ago ... just a couple of months after Jim died. I've had several requests to post it again, which I did on my blog earlier this year, and I thought I'd post it here, too.

It was a list of the top things that my children and I did NOT need to hear, but did, after Jim died. It's followed by a list of things we did need to hear.

It might not speak for you .... at least not every point, but I would guess that we can all relate to at least a few of them.

Feel free to use this list freely ..... to help those not on this path ..... "get it" a bit better. Not that they can fully "get it", God willing, but I think it's helped many of my friends understand a little.

Feb. 16, 2008

OK, buckle your seat belts. And please, please, please remember -- I have no memory of who said what. Please don't put that onto me or yourselves. This is not to make ANYONE feel badly. It's just what I've learned and have been told to pass on. I think most of us are doing this for the first time. And like parenting, we don't always get it right the first time.

And, like parenting, this is done in love.

1. This is the most important item and I cannot stress it enough: "I understand." or "I know what you're going through."

No. You. Don't.

You can't. The loss you have suffered is yours and yours alone. It's interesting but every single widow who spoke to me never, ever said those words. My relationship was unique and mine. No one else can possibly understand the depth of pain and despair that I feel.

This brings me to #2 -- which is from my children.

2. "I lost my father, too." Not only does it not help because every relationship is unique, but it also turns the attention to YOU. When you're shaking a mourner's hand at a funeral or a visitation and you say, "I lost my father, too", or "I lost my _______(fill in the blank") then the mourner feels compelled to say, "Oh, I'm so sorry." and the whole reason for the event is lost. Bad, bad, bad idea.

3. "God has a plan." REALLY??? Because at that moment in time, I didn't give a damn. And neither did my children. The plan, whatever it was, sucked.

4. "God must've needed Jim for work in Heaven." Again, REALLY????? I don't think so -- God seemed to be doing quite alright on His own. WE needed Jim here. We STILL need Jim here.

5. "At least he's no longer suffering." Let's get this straight -- Jim wasn't suffering -- at least not until 4:00 a.m. on December 17th. And then he got meds and felt quite relaxed. He would have rather suffered some more and stayed here. And I'm sorry, but being the selfish person that I am, I would have rather had him suffer more and still be here.

6. "This has made me appreciate my dad more." Yes, someone said that to one of the kids.

7. "Merry Christmas."

8. "How was the cruise?" I'm sorry, what?! It sucked. Although that's not we said. We said, "It was O.K." (Note to WV readers: Jim's memorial service was the Saturday before Christmas. The kids and I left on a cruise the next day and "skipped" Christmas."

9. "Call me." This also goes along with "Call me if you need anything." People who are grieving don't usually call. They are just trying to breathe. And they don't know what they need, other than the loved one who is gone. Don't ask me to call. Call me. Come sit with me. Just sit.

10. "How are you?" You really don't want to know, so try not to ask.

11. Also from the kids, "Your dad lovED you very much." They know that he STILL loves them very much.

12. This is one that I really struggled with but I think everyone wants me to be open and very honest here. So here it is:

Try very, very hard to not write a Bible verse on a card. As one of my daughters said, "If you're not a Christian then you look at the card and think 'why the hell would someone write that to me?!' and if you are a Christian you think, 'Why the hell would someone write that to me --- I already know that." The first days are not the time to be reminded of God's love because it doesn't feel like He's very loving.

13. "Hang in there."

14. "This is going to be a very difficult Christmas for you." You think?!!!

15. "What can I do for you?" This goes along with #9. Again, I can't think past the fog in my brain and the pain wracking my body, heart and soul. I have no idea what you can do. This is where the "just sit" comes in. Jewish people "sit shiva" when someone is grieving. They go to their house and just sit. They talk if the griever feels like talking. They don't if she/he doesn't. The important thing is, they are there. Very important.

16. This has also been a difficult one to include but here it is:

"God never gives you more than you can handle." To that I say B.S. I don't agree with that - at - all. God gives us a whole lot of crap that we can't handle. Trust me. And I don't agree with that theology. I read that verse as saying "God won't TEMPT you beyond what you can bear. And when you are TEMPTED He will provide a way out'." The only temptation that I had was the desire to off myself in the early days. But God did give me the loss of Jim -- and it's way more than I can handle. Just because I'm alive doesn't mean I'm handling it. Try to never, ever, ever say that to someone who's lost someone. Ever.

17. "You're young .. you can find love again." There are no words for that one. None.

18. "Trust in God." - when someone gets knocked to the ground by God, there's going to be a trust-issue. Trust me.

19. No one has asked me this directly but I guess some people have worried that I'm on meds and that I joke around about alcohol. Really?! Because even if I were drunk &/or higher than a kite most days --- could you blame me?! And to put everyone's mind at rest (or not -- think what you want to think) - I doubt that I could play tennis, work, write in a blog, or converse with my children if I were drinking every day or taking more than an anti-depressant and a sleeping aid every day (which are both prescribed by my doctor). So I'm not overly depressed and I sleep at night. Find someone else to worry about.

20. And the coup de grace, the ultimate thing I didn't need to hear and the only one I have vividly in my mind and know exactly who said: 'I am the reason Jim was successful. Let me handle your money. You owe me.' --- or something to that effect.

Now, to end on a positive note:

The Things I/We Needed/Need to Hear

1. "There are no words."

2. "You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers."

3. "I am so angry at God."

4. "This sucks."

5. "I love you."

6. "My heart aches for you."

7. "I'm sorry that I never got to know/meet him because he sounds like an incredible man."

8. Any time someone shares a memory of Jim.

9. "Can I come over?"

10. Any time a man cried in front of us. It sounds strange, but we need to know how much Jim meant -- especially to men.

So there you go .... the top things I needed to not hear and need TO hear ..... 20 months ago.

I'm thinking about posting a new list entitled, "The Top Things I Don't Need to Hear, Year 2").

Feel free to add your own comments and tell us what you didn't, or did, need to hear.

Have a great Wednesday.

Janine

Daddy's chair.......

2009-09-15T14:05:00.002-05:00

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die."
-- Thomas Campbell (1777-1844), Scottish poet

Piranha's

2009-09-13T15:52:00.000-05:00

Hi yall, just want to thank everyone for all of the support and love you have shown here the last few days while the trolls have been out. The e-mails, tweets and call's are amazing !! You are the best !

The uninformed however, seem to be breeding each other as they continue to spew vitriol and make ridiculous accusations and incorrect judgement's.

It amazes me that people who have no idea what happened in this house, how we lived our daily lives or just what constitutes an all-encompassing loving and trusting relationship can be so quick to judge and throw their two cents in when it was not needed nor asked for.

These same people who were not around for the last 6 years unless something was beneficial to them smell the scent of money and "poof" here they are...they're like piranhas.

Case in point, Greg once had a "friend" that had (has) excessive problems with alcohol and DUI charges. This "friend" was turned in by his own girlfriend when she called the police after sending him out drunk to get food, and he received a Felony DUI, spent time in prison, was on probation, and has to blow into a machine on his car before he can drive it.

Greg and I stood by this "friend" throughout his ordeal , writing him letters several times a week, putting money in his jail account, having him down to our home several times after he was free, and making sure that we checked in on him when we were up north. We even provided him with housewares when he was finally released and got his own place. This "friend" was still having problems with alcohol up until the time of Greg's death.

This "friend" text messaged me today, saying he had been reading my blog and how disgusted he was and how Greg would be too. He also stated that Greg's kids were here longer than me. Well no kidding. Guess that's why Greg and I set up a trust and a college fund for his son once we started seeing each other, and how a fund was established for his daughter too. Gee, how selfish of me. Guess that's why I took both kids on vacation and gave them money, spoiled them at Christmas, took them to my family's home where they were taken in and treated royally, made sure they always had nice clothes and were clean and well-fed, provided health insurance via my employer for the youngest, gave both of them laptops and digital camera's, coached one's sports teams, went with his daughter to get piercings, buy clothes, groceries, co-pays on insurance, birth control, etc. I guess things would have been better if I had ignored them, spent all of our money on us and not even acknowledged either of them.

But I wasn't raised that way. Unfortunately, this "friend" and the other person protesting the will were allegedly brought up in a violent and unloving home, so maybe the idea of someone reaching out to children that may not be biologically theirs but are theirs in HEART AND MIND may be foreign to them.

See, unlike some people, I never cared about money. I don't need it, I have my own, as does my family.

When I looked at Gregory I did not see $ signs, I saw love. I never even knew what he made until I moved up here two and a half years after we began seeing each other. And I didn't care. If he had dug ditches or owned a bank, the love was the same. And that will never change.

I'm sorry so many people are motivated by greed, jealousy and just pure pettiness that they can't see that.

But Gregory did. He knew he was loved, for all of the right reasons. And because I know that he knew, and that the same love was given to me in return, I will forever be richer than any dollar can make me. And the happiness and peace that gives me can never be taken away, even by piranha's.

9-11

2009-09-11T00:33:00.000-05:00

8 years.

8 years since the worst TERRORIST attack in our country's history. (Note to Charlie Sheen : it wasn't our own government. Pull your head out of your ass. And take your fellow conspiracy theorists and go piss up a rope. Then hang yourself with it.)

I won't go into a long story about what I was doing when it happened, but since I was in law enforcement as an investigator let's just say I was damn busy that day.

But my world really didn't change that drastically that day. Sure, I have to take my shoes off at the airport, I have to take my toiletries in a ziploc bag, and I have to be a little more vigilant in my timing when traveling.

But my loved one didn't die just sitting at their desk. On the phone. Standing by the water cooler. Talking about their kids in the elevator.

I didn't lose my brother,sister,mom,dad, anyone flying on any of the 4 planes that were used as weapons that day.

In a sense I lost brothers in blue, but not like the brothers and sisters of the FDNY and NYPD did.

I have a friend who went to the WTC every Tuesday from Jersey in his capacity as an employee of Bear Sterns. Mikey didn't go that day because one of his daughters was sick. The 4 hours that it took him to call me after we each spent frantic moments wondering? They were tough, but imagine the ones who NEVER got a call from someone saying they were ok. And the joy I felt when I heard my Coconut (long story!) on the other end of that telephone line? Miniscule compared to the joy so many felt when their loved ones walked through the door, covered in ash and human remnants but still here.

Today, it's not about me or what I was doing or feeling. I'm a widow now too, but I'm not a 9-11 widow, or widower, or even someone that lost someone on that awful day 8 years ago.

Those people are the one's it's about today. The ones that are not here, and the ones that still are, and the ones that are going on even in the midst of their own pain, as well as the entire country's.

Blessings to all of you. Here, there or otherwise.

Thank you for your courage, your sacrifice, and your life here on this earth, no matter how long or short. Thank you for you.

And God Bless America.

Chris, Adam, Troll, Anonymous asshat, whoever you are.....

2009-09-10T22:12:00.005-05:00

EDITED: 09-11-09

The troll (MAYBE) has finally been able to borrow a set of balls and admit that he is the one who popped off in my comments.

He claims his name is Adam, and blames it on the margaritas. I cite a sever case of dumbassdness, but hey, I'm no doctor, so who knows.

Irregardless, it's still a load of crap. They won't truly reveal themselves cause they're scared.

And I still firmly believe Karma is a boomerang. So let's see how well those margaritas taste when someone they love is ripped out of their lives.

Maybe you'd like a side of humble with that order.

And by the way? Every thing you do on this site is tracked and recorded. Your IP address, what browser and settings you use, how long you spent here, which pages you were on and what brought you here. Google my name? I know about it. Link through from another site, I know about that too.

So have fun. And smile pretty for the camera, ok?

Original Post follows.....

Possibly, this is R's new roommate. This month.

Troll also posted a link in comments to the article about when Greg and I were arrested last year , in our own house, for Domestic Violence. Never mind that neither of us had a mark, the arrest was invalid, nor did he mention that the charges were dropped. Or that the officers that entered our home unlawfully and got Greg out of bed and me out of the bathtub had a vendetta going because I arrested one of their mistresses for possession of narcotics and refused to cover it up to his wife. Hmm.

Guess Mrs. Hudgens ( oops sorry, I had him confused with Vanessa ), forgot to mention that the charges were dropped as no basis was found for them, and that there is a lawsuit pending against the PD and the officers involved.

And posting it here is not news, my family, G's family, my employers, friends, acquaintances, everyone knows about it. I don't have ANYTHING to hide, about any aspect of my life.

Weeellllllllll now ??

Mrs. Hudgens also forgot to mention that most if not all of the blogosphere knows about it as I have discussed it here, talked about it in person as well as on Twitter and FaceBook, so he's really regurgitating old news. Must be tough to ride the short bus. Sorry Christy. The world always needs french-fry servers.

But congratulations on the borrowing of the balls, and good luck with your new housemate.

And next time? If you have something to say? Say it to me. I'm grown. I can handle it.

You may want to take a lesson.

Oh and BTW - since you have now inserted yourself into this legal drama? CONGRATULATIONS !! You get to be subpoenaed, get sworn in under oath, and testify !! YAY for YOU !!!

Just make sure you have your facts straight, hmmmmk ?

Blog post coming later.....

2009-09-10T12:41:00.002-05:00

today or tomorrow about all of the goings-on. Have been talking to attorneys, witnesses, etc. Feeling a bit better but still aggravated at the situation. Fill yall in soon and thanks for all of the good wishes and support !!

09-09-09 Part One...

2009-09-09T10:10:00.002-05:00

I am up and getting ready to go to Probate Court to prove that my husband's will is legal and to hopefully get the legal paperwork I need to move forward from this court induced limbo of the last several months.

Do the judges and court employees realize what their actions can lead to? Do they care?

The judge that is over this court? His wife married G and I. She was the judge before he was. Before cancer took her life and left him a widower, probably going through the same things as I am. But did the black robe make it easier for him? And will he look down over the courtroom and think maybe he should pay some of the kindness he was shown forward?

Guess we'll find out today in Shelby County, Alabama.

UPDATE : Well, 5 minutes before court my former step-daughter filed a motion contesting the will. She is trying to say the will is fraudulent and that G didn't sign it. She is also claiming that she has not been to our house in years. This from the same person that still has furniture and things here, still has a key, took baths and got ready to go out here, and often spent the night when she couldn't make it home. She also told him she hated him and she didn't have a father anymore when we wouldn't give her $16,000 for hair school when she had a full scholarship to or local university. Gregory may have forgiven her for that, but he never forgot. She had no problem with the signatures on the living will, burial wishes or anything else. Now I hope she doesn't have a problem paying off medical bills and other expenses. If she wants to be part of the estate, that's what she'll have to do.

Attorneys are working now and witnesses, including my 87 year old former mother-in-law, are being subpoenaed. This is about to get ugly.

The Wheels of Justice need WD40....

2009-09-08T10:27:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Probate Court day.

09-09-09.

I like odd numbers, and I hope that date is a sign of the numbers coming up well for me.

As you may know, this has been a long process made longer by bureaucratic bullshit and apathy on the parts of the courts. And it continues. I just got off the phone with the court appointed guardian ad litem for my stepson, who called me to go over all of the stuff we've discussed three times already. He then ended the conversation by asking me for the telephone number and address for my stepson's mother, which he should already have. I don't have her info, the bitch won't talk to me. She's probably off somewhere being a good christian woman.

Tomorrow is an important day. His will has to be legally probated. It has been almost 6 months since Greg died and I need the letters of testamentary that only the court can provide. I need these letters to show that I am the executor of the estate and that I can receive the stock dividends from his company. I need these letters to get the money that will help me pay this house note before Bank of America kicks me out on my ass. Apparently the government's new help a homeowner plan doesn't apply to those of us who have been in good standing for years but just need a bit of help when they become a destitute widow while waiting for the wheels of justice to squeak to life. I also need this money to pay the hospital where Greg died that keeps calling and asking for him and his wallet. (HEY BROOKWOOD? Might want to make a note on your paperwork that the man died in your facility !!! You should have lifted his cash then.) And of course there are utilities and health insurance and blah blah blah things that have to be taken care of, and I am about at the end of my pennies.

I can't get any help from anyone because according to my house payment and other bills I should be making more money. Well no shit. My husband brought home more in a week than I do in two months. I only work part-time, and believe me, I have been trying to get a full-time job since all this went down! When we had his income our bills were "justified." Oh and I guess him dying and it being left all up to me is "unjustified"? Got to love the bureaucrats. I get looked down upon because my husband wanted me to spend more time with him and at home and not work as much, so I did, and a year later he dies and now I'm lazy.

Whatever.

So Lady Justice, put on your Nikes or Asics or whichever shoes make you feel like getting up and moving, and please please please grab the attorneys and the judges and the ad lit-ems and anyone else involved, and shake shake shake senora down to my hard wooden courthouse seat and give me my paperwork!!!

If you don't I might be living in a box underneath your pedestal.

I knew.

2009-09-07T01:01:00.004-05:00

My life now seems to go into some sort of cycle.

It's like there's a very defined line that splits the center of my life, my days, nights and moments into two very specific lots.

Let's just say it's like Before Death and After Death.

B - I would be up rolling, already packed and ready to go to the lake on a holiday weekend.
A - I stay in bed the whole weekend and shuffle from the media room to the kitchen to the bathroom. The only glimpses of the outside I see are when I let the dogs out.
B - home football game? Packed the week before, ready to go, full tailgate menu prepped and ready.

A - barely watched game on TV. Tickets sit unopened in season ticket packaging.

B - Would already have fall / Halloween decor out and house looking sharp and ready to partay.

A - If I already had Halloween candy bought? Would have eaten it all by now.

B - Would arrive at work 15 or more minutes early, make-up, hair, well pressed clothes.

A - Lucky if I make it on time with sunglasses and underwear on.

B - House immaculate and not one thing out of place.

A - The dog destroys a pillow? So what? I may vacuum it. in 2010. Sometimes I leave clothes in dryer and dishes in the dishwasher for days.

B - My car? You could eat off of the floorboards.

A - Lucky if it has half a tank of gas and has been washed in the last 2 weeks.

B - I wouldn't leave the house to go to Publix w/o being dressed and ready to go other places.

A - I'll show up at Buffalo Wild Wings in my pajama bottoms, an old t-shirt of G's and a hat.

B - checked the mail everyday.

A - It sits there til it starts to rain. Then I remember mailbox leaks and I go get it. Wet? I don't care.

B - I gave a shit about people's problems.

A - Now ? fuck you. live my life.

But yanno what that last thing said to me??

I'm a HYPOCRITE.

A big freaking whiny ass woe is me HYPOCRITE. I bitched all this past weekend because I didn't feel good. I was hot. I was cold. I was fevery and sneezy and weak and wah wah wah I didn't have anyone to tend to me and I live so GD far ( 20 minutes) from my SUPPOSED real life friends and none of them would come comfort me because geez who wants to be around a widow? I might be contagious! Come see me and DEATH could find your little family.

Meanwhile, people's babies are dying and husbands and wives and moms and dads and brothers and sisters are leaving us and people's marriages are breaking up and all kinds of other stuff is going down, but as usual, IT WAS ALL ABOUT ME. Heaven forbid I need comfort, support, love.

Why do yall read this? Don't you get tired of listening to me bitch about my dead husband?

He's not coming back. Yall knew it long before me, but you're still here.

I didn't know it.

As recently as a few days ago, I heard the a/c kick on while I was napping on the couch and started to get up because I thought he was opening the garage door.

When they were stuffing that tube down his throat through those beautiful soft lips I had kissed so many times? I didn't know it. They all did. But I didn't.

When those frigging beep-beep-beep puff up and down machines were keeping him alive?? I didn't know it.

When the only thing that was keeping color in his skin was the IV's they changed out every few hours? I didn't know it.

When I had to sign the frigging DNR papers even though I knew he had a living will ? I didn't know it.

When the organ donor people came in and talked to me and I basically uh-huhd my way through the conversation while all the while thinking that I needed to cut his fingernails cause he would be oh so pissed if he woke up and his nails looked funky? I didn't know it.

I went all Sally Field Steel Magnolias on his ass and read to him, talked to him,combed his hair, trimmed his nails, put lotion on his feet and legs and hands, brushed his teeth around that GD tube in his mouth, put chap stick on his poor dried out hospital dead lips, laid in bed with him and held him, split the iPod headphones with him and sang along to our favorite songs, and only left him to go to the bathroom or when they made me, just for a second, cause THEY KNEW.

I KNEW TOO. I AM A LIAR.

I knew he was gone. I knew he would never come home with me or sing to me or hold me or kiss me or call me Kimbo again.

I just couldn't face it. DENIED it. This wasn't what he promised me. This is not our life. He was supposed to take me to a tropical paradise for my BD and we were supposed to have the cutest baby ever and tailgate and go skiing in the Poconos and all of the plans we talked about like we had soooo much time.

And you know what really just chaps my ass? He hit his damn head ! That hard ass stubborn head of his. One tiny cut. A butterfly bandage. And underneath? What would kill him. Why didn't I know ? Why wouldn't whoever the hell is in charge around here let me fix him?

I don't know how I face it now. He's in a damn nice ass expensive jar on the dresser in our bedroom . Some of his ashes are in a tattoo on the back of my neck. I carry some of them with me and laugh about it with people I have never met and am afraid I won't have anything to talk to about. He's dead and he's never coming back and I just can't make myself believe that this has happened to me and that it's really true.

I post about dogs and baseball and more stupid shit like books and football and for just a moment, I'm not drowning in the quicksand of sadness and grief and death and being so frigging alone you never knew it was that possible to be disconnected from the people that amass this planet.

I knew.

I lied to myself. I lied to everyone.

I'm a hypocrite.

And I want my Before Death life back.

And I know I'm not gonna get it.

And it sucks.

And I hate myself for being a hypocrite phony weak-ass whiney about it.

Football is here....and he isn't...

2009-09-05T01:05:00.001-05:00

Auburn football begins today.

Another chapter in my life I will have to go through without him.

Our first date happened at Auburn. Our first kiss.

Our favorite place to hang out started at Auburn's Mellow Mushroom and led us to so many more.

The first picture we ever took together.

This one.

The goofy grin on his face as he waved at me all the way down (and up) the stairs....

The first time we goofed off with Dr. Bill (who ironically, I used to call Dr. Lecter....he used to bring me a wildflower every game and say "Hello Clarice") as a couple...

Chilling at home watching the away games.........

Good times with friends....

Meeting Coach Dye....Tiger Walk...rolling Toomer's corner....the Shelby County Auburn Club...SEC days....lazy Saturdays watching football and grilling out all day...the traditions and things that made us an Auburn family........Patrick Murphy Mann included......

We went to see the President there.....

I'll go back to Auburn I know. It was a part of me long before I even knew G, but he just made it a better part. I am going to try and go next weekend. It's the Mississippi State game. That game, 6 years ago, was our first date. So it's gonna be tough.

But I'll go and be surrounded by friends. I'll sing "Budda Getta" and scream "It's great to be an Auburn Tiger" and yell out the fight songs and hug Aubie on Tiger Walk and buy a game shirt and do all of the things we did in what seems like a lifetime ago.

I might not go to Mellow Mushroom, not just yet. And I probably won't do many of the things that he and I did in our Auburn game weekend routine.

But I'll do some new things. I'll make my own traditions. Auburn will always be my home. And I know you'll be watching over me, soaring above me like Tiger and Spirit do before the game.

War Eagle Baby . I love you.

Peace, Love and .....

2009-09-04T00:45:00.001-05:00

Teddy !!

Who knew it was so easy ?

Thanks Ted Terrific !!

BookWorm

2009-09-02T00:05:00.005-05:00

I've always been a voracious reader. Before the interwebz took over the world, I read a whole lot more than I did now. I still read, but I am trying to carve out at least an hour in each day to sit down and lose myself in a book.

4 newspapers a day, various magazines, and I always had a book or three in progress. I'm one of those that can read several different books at a time. My favorites are autobiographies, crime and pretty much anything by Stephen King and Tami Hoag. I also adore Eudora Welty and John Grisham, both Mississippi authors.

When I was stateside in Poplarville in the summertime, I would ride my bike to the library and fill my basket up with books. One or two summers I won the little award they gave out for finishing all of the books on the summer reading list.

Life, work and the internet came along and changed many of my habits. I still read books, and there are certain magazines that I still read in print including National Geographic, Southern Living, various nerdy magazines and Wired.

This is my current reading stack, followed by my next stack. I really don't try to group them in any particular way, it just seems like I always have at least one autobiography and one travel book in whatever pile I'm working on at a time.

Next.....

My love of reading was instilled in me by my paternal grandfather as well as my mom and dad. My grandfather always read the Wall Street Journal and the New Orleans Times-Picayune every morning with his coffee. As I got older he would have me read one article from each section to him , not only to improve my reading and speaking skills, but to foster my interest in current events.

My grandfather was a Commander in the U.S. Navy, and after he left the service he worked for the government and for the Liberia Corporation, who owned many rubber tree plantations (they provided materials to Firestone for tires) and land in and around Liberia, Africa. He hosted and entertained many dignitaries and heads of state, but the person who I was most fascinated to hear about??

Yes, that says Charles Lindbergh. That is a first edition autographed copy of The Spirit of St. Louis, given to my Papaw by the man himself. He was a frequent guest at my grandparent's estate, and I wish I could remember half of the stories they told me about him. And I would give anything to have the pictures that Camille destroyed.

Every time my grandmother would see someone wearing seersucker fabric, she would tell me the same story....how Mr. Lindbergh wore a seersucker suit and washed it in the tub every night and hung it up to dry before putting it back on the next day. Even today, when I see seersucker, I think of that.

My grandfather also ordered an entire set of classic books for me, yanno the leather bound ones with the gold leaf finish? I think he got one a month for several years. He wrote a personal message in each book up until his death. I know exactly which book was the last one he read and signed, because the next is blank. Here they are in what amounts to about 1/4 of my bookshelves....( they still smell like my grandparents house when I open them , like home)...

Here are some of my favorites....I will type out what they say under the ones that are hard to read......

This one above is The Sound and The Fury by William Faulkner...my papaw wrote.... This is generally recognized as Faulkner's greatest book. I was attending "Ole Miss" in the fall of 1930 and I met Bill Faulkner who lived in Oxford. He was sitting on the curb on Main Street eating peanuts - two other football players and I were coming from practice. We stopped to talk to Faulkner who asked us to join him to eat peanuts. This was before he became famous. Love Papaw.

You are like the dawn in a yellow robe rising in the east out of the flowing ocean - "our sunshine."

There are more, but you get the idea. Sometimes I get sad when I open them up and read the words he wrote so long ago, and I wish I was the little pig-tailed girl with the yellow bike and basket full of books, riding home to show my Papaw what treasures I was to discover in their pages. But then I'm proud, and happy that I was blessed with such a wonderful person in my life that I still adore as much right this second as I did when I was that little girl.

Thanks Papaw. I love you.

Snoop dog.....

2009-09-01T00:16:00.002-05:00

Katrina & A Storm Survival Guide.....

2009-08-30T00:06:00.001-05:00

In yet another nod to my bad luck with weather.....

It seems like it was just yesterday that we were being battered by Hurricane Katrina. But it was only 4 years ago. But today, to me, my friends and family and so many others, it's still fresh. (and FYI - I was a detective with the Sheriff's Dept - we were all on call, I couldn't leave).....

A day or so before my friends and I were having a shrimp boil and hanging out in the pool and the hot tub joking and screaming "we're all gonna die" and thought that beer was an essential staple. Turned out it was, but more about that later....

When that monster turned and took aim right at the Mississippi Gulf Coast it wasn't so carefree anymore.....it was like "oh shiz", and a mass exodus from said party was in full force.....see that county it's splitting through the middle of? Yea. Mine.

And it decimated us. My house was still standing, albeit with three trees in it and countless damage outside......even 50 miles inland we had 125 mph winds..16 people died in my county (Pearl River) alone....it took away many of the landmarks from my childhood.....

The restaurants that my grandparents took me to.....

And my adulthood......here's before and after pics of one of my favorite hangouts....

Yet New Orleans got all of the attention. Sure it was bad there, but it wasn't the only place that was affected.. And the citizens of NOLA were afforded the opportunity to GET OUT in plenty of time. Many chose not to. You didn't see government funded buses hauling people out of Biloxi, Bay St. Louis or Pascagoula....you saw friends, relatives and caring neighbors taking care of one another.

Don't get me wrong - I LOVE NOLA.....it is hands down one of my favorite places on earth....but so is the Mississippi Gulf Coast....I have been back several times since the storm, and am amazed at the tenacity of the people there and how it's coming back. It will never be the same, of course, but life goes on.

I learned alot from going through a big storm, and sure I'd been through tons of tropical storms and Cat 1 and 2's , but nothing like this...so below are some bullet points of what you might want to do before, during and after when a big storm is a'comin'......

*Stock up on beer and snacks. Your friends will thank you. And don't worry about spending much. In a disaster even Natty Lite and Beanee Weenies are gourmet.

*Sterno. See above referenced beanee weenies.

*Cash. Think you can just run to an ATM? Yea, try that with no power. Plus, your friend can borrow $20 today and gladly pay you $30 on Wednesday.

*Cigarettes. You don't smoke?? No problem. You can sell those sticks like they're gold to the nicotine freaks , add a lighter and you're getting $10 a pack.

*A satellite phone. No really. Either that or a lot of gas and matches (you'll have plenty of wood) to send smoke signals, cause more bars in more places?? Can you hear me now?? Not.

*Propane Propane Propane.....or a charcoal grill and lots of charcoal. That way when your friends that shop at Sam's and Costco have to get rid of all of their bulk steaks and chicken, you don't have to eat Beanee Weenies !!!! YAY !!!

*ICE ICE BABY ....and a HUGE marine ice chest to store it in. And rock salt. It keeps your ice from melting so quickly, thus keeping your beer colder longer. And everyone knows steaks go better with cold beer.

*Chinet - ever tried to cut a nice juicy steak on a dollar store paper plate sitting on your lap?
Usually you cut a few arteries as well. And you china snobs don't turn your nose up. Your fancy schmancy dishwasher isn't gonna work for awhile. You're roughing it. Deal.

*Bug Spray and citronella candles - OMG. The bugs and skeeters that come out after a storm are the size of Shaq....and if you have kids they can set up a spray stand on the street and charge people $1 to spray them down. If the bugs don't haul them off like little mice. May want to invest in a weighted vest as well.

*Lidless toilet seat and baby wipes - usually the water goes out. Ever poop in a 5 gallon bucket? It's a lot easier if you don't have to hover. And no bidet is gonna work, so break out the butt wipes. And don't roll up your nose and ewwww at me. If you wanna use a gallon jug of bottled water every time someone needs to tinkle or drop the kids off at the pool you have more money than sense and probably could have evacuated to the Ritz.

*A shotgun. One word? LOOTIE !! (with great taste in beer - but alas, no ice)

You may ask yourself why I didn't mention gas, generators, bottled water,flashlights etc. Hell everyone knows to get that, but when you're running around nilly-willy getting ready to get "BLOWED AWAY" , you forget the little things that mean the most.

Take it from me, hurricane sur-vi-vah.....stick to this list dear reader, and you'll be safe in the eye of the storm....

Keep your house clean in case you die.....

2009-08-27T09:50:00.004-05:00

Yes .... that really is the title of this post.

I got to thinking about it while looking through some pics and pondering when to put my house back up for sale. This house is just way too big for me. Greg and I lived here for 3 1/2 of our 6 years together, and I love it, but it's gotta go. And I'm ready now...I made the decision a few days ago....the memories we made here will go where I do. The material things that remind me of our life together will go with me as well. And it's just a house. Leaving here will not take me further away from him and in a way I think a new place will help me. I just have to figure out where my "new place" is. In more ways than one....but I know I can do it, heck I've moved from Singapore back to the US after 10 years there, moved to Alabama after 20 years there, and now ? Who knows where I'll end up? I may just pack up and move across the country like a very strong person I know....or I may stay here.....the only thing stopping me right now is my daddy, and I'm not going anywhere until I see what happens with his cancer.

And I have to figure out what to do with all of this STUFF !! Agghh !! I have so much I don't need ! I hate packing and all of that..it's such a pain !! I have started in the last few days by attacking a few boxes of stuff in the basement from hell , making a trash pile, a consignment pile and a keep pile. I got to looking around in this place and I'm gonna have ALOT of piles. Argh. But it will definitely keep me busy ! And I say AGAIN , (all together now) I will be organized this time !!!

Back when I was a kid, my paternal grandmother kept a spotless house. Now that I think about it, most of my family were Martha Stewart prototypes.....except for one aunt and a few cousins, and we didn't go "over there." And god forbid you eat something from that relatives house at a potluck....you'd more than likely cough up a hairball.

My Granny used to say that your house always needed to be clean in case something happened to you, because if it did, everyone would come over. And I guess back then, it was true. A lot of people had wakes and such at their homes, especially in the South. My great grandmother was laid out in our living room at one time, as I learned through a picture. *brrrrrr ick*. I never went near that part of the room after that little discovery.

So anyway, I was raised with that philosophy. Sure, when I was a teenager I had the pile of clothes in the closet and stuff randomly laying around, but I've never been like gross messy. And when I was a cop I've gone in some houses that are.just.oh.my.gaw.disgusting. I couldn't live like that, hell I won't even drink milk if it's a day before it's expiration.....I'm not living in a home that smells like it. Sure, there is a closet or two in this house that I call the "closets from hell" and part of my basement is house decor hades, but otherwise everything else is "in it's place."

I discovered the handiness of this when I lived in Poplarville and my Granny died and sho nuff, everyone came over. Since everything was clean....that was less stress on me. I'll never forget sitting in the hospital with Greg and being asked, "is your house clean?" Well, yeah. That was the least of my worries! If I put it where it goes.....I can find it...most of the time !!

I'm not totally Martha Stewart, but I do have my quirks, such as....

*my bed is made everyday, except Sundays
*dishes don't hang out in the sink unless they are soaking, and no more than an hour
*My vacuum and dust mop get out and dance 4-5 times a week
*Mr Clean magic erasers have a special place in my heart
*My sheets have a hot date with my washer twice a week
*I would like to kiss whoever invented Swiffer dusters and sweepers

And I'm sure there is other stuff I can think of, and I know I am uber anal about alot of stuff that means nothing, but it makes me feel better, yanno?

And if I die, yall won't have to worry about coming over to clean up my house ...LOL.....you'll probably have to empty the dryer and dishwasher because I HATE DOING THAT....but otherwise you should be good......

P.S. The good booze is under the wet bar....

2009-08-26T12:19:00.002-05:00

This quote is taped to the front of my iMAc.

I look at it every day.

Today, I have decided to not just look at it, but live it.

IN THE DEPTHS OF WINTER, I FINALLY LEARNED THAT WITHIN ME THERE LAY AN INVINCIBLE SUMMER. Albert Camus

I hope I can do it justice.

The I Am Not Amused park......

2009-08-25T12:22:00.003-05:00

Hi yall.

Today I woke up in a great mood, which is odd, considering the events of last night.

Dr. L ? Gone.

I feel good, it's a beautiful day, and even though I'm still sad, I'm ok, at the moment.

Is this what depression is like? I mean, like for people that don't have dead spouses but have to deal with it anyway?

Does everyday life really make people feel like this? And what the hell is so bad when you have the person you love, or your kids, and a good job, nice house, etc,etc?? What sends people into this?

Jeez. I don't think I could take it.

I've been living with whatever "it" is since March. One minute I'm fine, the next, notsomuch.

And I know I have a perfectly good reason for it....doesn't mean I have to like it though.

Any of you that have read me before know I started "taking something"....well, I quit after a month. All it did was made me feel discombobulated and disconnected, and I'm not into that.

It's like one of those pendulum rides at the amusement park, yanno? The one that swings back and forth, high and low, pausing for a second at each spectrum to dangle you out there.

I am really not liking this ride. I want oh eff eff.

This depression thing is a BIATCH ! Kudos to those of you that can pull it off, but I just don't think I'm built this way.

So, I guess I'll just keep trudging along and see what each new day ( and night - eeek) brings.....

Thanks for walking along beside me.....

Aftershocks.....

2009-08-24T23:00:00.003-05:00

My birthday weekend is over.

I am exhausted.

I had a great time, but all of the fun has caught up with me.

I can't keep the guilty feelings away.

Dr. Lecter tapped at the windows all weekend and this afternoon came full force through the door.

He won't leave.

He's sitting in the chair behind me now.

Waiting.

He's palpable. And holds me accountable when I have fun and try to act "normal."

I wish it had been me and G at the lake.

I wish my husband wasn't dead.

I wish I could have saved him.

I wish this had happened to someone else and not us.

There. I said it.

And even though I say I wouldn't wish this on anyone, I wish it had been someone else.

And I can't deny it anymore.

Beaux-day-cious......

2009-08-22T10:32:00.005-05:00

Happy Birthday Beaux !!!!

You are a year old today!

Thanks for being a great dog and living up to your namesake !!

Weather warning....

2009-08-21T10:17:00.002-05:00

I am a weather nerd. Give me a storm or a tornado and I will stay glued to coverage like it’s the Super Bowl. I am friends with our local weatherman and if I’m not home I RECORD THE WEATHER FORECAST. Yes, I’m a complete meteorlogical goob. My dream gadget is a Davis Weather Machine thingy, but alas I now only have a Radio Shack weather radio to get my fix with.

I’m also one of those idiots that would love to chase a tornado.

The dumbass standing in the surf when a hurricane is coming? Me.

The girl who walks in the rain instead of running? <<<<

The person who has hurricane season highlighted on the calender? Me.

The person that slows down in front of you in traffic to take a picture of a cool looking cloud? Yea, that’s me too.

I have a whole folder on my iMac dedicated to the weather. I refuse to watch the Weather Channel because they started a feud with THE GREATEST METEOROLOGIST OF ALL TIME,James Spann. They are dead to me.

Here’s the thing though…I am a bad weather MAGNET !!

I was brought on by barometric pressure, I kid you not. I was about three weeks early because Hurricane Camille came ashore while my mom was pregnant and the subsequent drop in barometric pressure put her in labor.

When I was about 3 or 4 a freak snowstorm dropped a foot of snow at my house. In Houston, Texas.

I grew up in Singapore and went through many a monsoon.

I’ve been in a plane that was struck by lightning and went down to one engine. We had to make an emergency landing in the Phillipines with the foam and everything.

My parents used to have a condo on South Padre Island. Yea. Hurricane Barry.

One year while on Spring Break we left for Florida, and by the time we got there a late winter storm had unexpectedly rolled in and produced the lowest temps in Fort Walton Beach in 70 years !

I had front row tickets to see Def Leppard when I was in college…. the concert was canceled….wanna know why? Hurricane Florence.

In 2004 I was at my parents house the day before Thanksgiving. My mom got me out of bed 30 seconds before an F3 tornado tore our house in half and deposited my bed, my laptop and all of my clothes on an island across the lake from their house.

2005? I lived in South Mississippi. Hurricane Katrina anyone?

And now it is the week of my birth. Tropical Storm Ana just blew through, and Hurricane Bill (my dad’s name) is churning across the Atlantic towards Bermuda, where guess what?? My parents own property that was handed down from my grandparents.

No offense, but if the weather gets bad, you get the hell away from me.

You’ve been warned.

Dear 40.......

2009-08-19T23:49:00.011-05:00

Dear 40....

Here we are. I'm stunned that it's really happening. I'm not upset, not really. Not as upset as I thought I'd be six months ago.

Five months ago something happened that pretty much overshadowed your arrival and made me realize there are much worse things than getting a year older.

We're supposed to be in Mexico getting older together. Instead I sit here in Alabama getting older by myself.

That little goofy brown haired kid seems so long ago.

She still comes out to play every once in awhile. Not so much lately, but I'm hoping she'll start coming by more often.

She and I have been some places. Singapore, Nepal, Australia, England and so many other places on this magnificent planet of ours. The back roads and byways of Mississippi, the streets of NYC and New Orleans, and more "road trips" to Florida than I can count. Football games, parties, lake trips, floats, boat rides, camping, any time someone said let's go, we went! Somehow we've always made it through.

We've had great times with great friends....who will be my friends for my next 40 years.....

We even managed to come across the love of our life and spent six crazy glorious fantabulous years together.....

All in all, so far, it's been a hell of a great life....and if 40 really is the new 30?

Stick with me kiddo, maybe this 40 thing isn't gonna be so bad after all.

Dear Mom and Dad.....

2009-08-19T09:03:00.006-05:00

Happy 42nd anniversary.

42 years ago today you stood in front of the fireplace at Granny & Papaw's house in front of family and friends and swore to love each other for better or worse. And you have done so.

Thank you.

Thank you for always showing me the better. If there was worse? I never knew.

Daddy, thanks for working so hard and giving me an amazing life and everything I ever wanted without making me a spoiled whiny brat. Thank you for showing me the world, from the gulf coast of Mississippi to Singapore and all points around and in between.

Thank you for protecting me without smothering me and letting me go out on my own adventures and to learn from my mistakes without saying "I told you so." Thanks for coaching me in some of my sports teams, and always, no matter what was happening, being at my games and win or lose, always saying how proud you were of me.

Thanks for teaching me your love of sports, and passing on what you learned in college and the NFL, that such as football, life is a game that we are all lucky enough to play, no matter what our time on the field may be.

Mom, you were a stay at home mother before it was cool. Making sure I was up and at em for school, taking me all over the world as we traveled back and forth from the US to Singapore for almost 10 years, and raising me right. You and your friends were like the moms you see on the "vintage mom" napkins you see floating around.

If we fell down and scraped our knee?? You and your friends looked over to make sure we were ok, watched us bounce right back up and go running back around like a wild monkey and you knew we were ok, and back to your gin and tonics you went. Not like today, where you see mom's rapid firing the neosporin and coddling the kid who chips a nail. Thanks for letting me be a kid, not a porcelain doll. I think it made me a better, stronger adult.

To both of you, thank you for all of the wonderful holidays and vacations and just the time together as a family. I didn't know it when I was growing up, but I know now that we had it made. You gave me a perfect childhood and a great entry into adulthood, and in a world where a lot of people didn't have the same, I was damn lucky.

I love you both from the bottom of my heart. And a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.

What a week...

2009-08-18T00:01:00.000-05:00

I am very conflicted about this week.

I will feel happy, sad, guilty, every emotion you can think of.

In this week, my parents will celebrate their 42nd wedding anniversary.

I will turn 40 , and celebrate with friends on the 5 month mark of the death of my beloved.

The dog that Gregory wanted so badly and is such a comfort to me now will be a year old on Saturday.

I'm excited to see my friends, but I'm also mad.

I'm mad that I'm not checking into the all-inclusive resort with Gregory to celebrate my birthday.

I feel guilty about celebrating getting another year older when he will never have another birthday , ever.

I'm jealous of my parent's having the luck to spend 42 years with the person they love when I will never have that, but so happy and proud of them at the same time. And I feel guilt for the jealousy.

I'm sad because this will probably be the last one they will celebrate before the effing gd s-o-b cancer takes my Daddy away forever.

And I'm scared because I don't know if I can take losing my husband and my daddy, and I don't know if I'll be able to be strong enough to help my mom.

And even though I'm excited and tweeting about #kimberday and all that, deep down?

I'm terrified.

And the one person who could make it all better is never. coming. back.

And I'm mad as hell about it.

Camille....

2009-08-17T00:24:00.003-05:00

40 years ago today, Hurricane Camille washed ashore on the Mississippi Gulf Coast.

This event preceded another historical event, the day of my birth.

But anyway, back to Camille. At the time my family lived in Ocean Springs, a little town just across the bay from Biloxi. My mom was awaiting my arrival while trying to entertain my nine year old brother in the middle of a hot Mississippi August.

This was 1969, there was no cable TV, no cell phones, no 24 hour weather station. Everyone knew what was coming was bad, but unlike nowadays and the 24/7 coverage over Katrina, no one knew what was really swirling towards them.

About 36 hours before the storm hit, my Papaw drove down from Poplarville to bring my parents food and various supplies as it was pan-delirium at local stores and places were selling out. He also came to pick up my brother so he could stay farther inland with them and be safer. See, my parents couldn't leave because obviously my mom was ready to drop and her ob/gyn was 5 minutes away.

34 hours before the storm, my mom thought she went into labor. Nope. So the doctor sent her home. Then Camille came ashore. My parents and some neighbors huddled in the hallway of our home until it passed, then went out to assess the damages. No power, no phones, no nothing. And it was HAWWWT. Yes, that hot. My dad drug the mattresses out in the driveway and set up mosquito nets because the only air that was moving was a breeze off the gulf. Neighbors were BBQing up what meat they had in the freezer so it wouldn't go bad. It was basically a big block party, but not as much fun.

August 19th my mom went into labor. Along with another lady that lived three houses down from us. My dad loaded my mom and the lady, whose husband was a police officer and was working, into his car and away he went towards the hospital, dodging downed trees and power lines and debris of all kinds. At the intersection of our subdivision and Hwy 90, he was stopped by the Mississippi National Guard. The poor guardsman took one look in the car, said "oh shit" , and promptly escorted my dad to the hospital.

I was born in the early morning of August 20th, after the storm had come and gone and the hospital was filled with sick people. People lined the halls on gurneys, they had army tents outside set up as surgery wards, and there was general ickiness everywhere. My mom's doctor decreed that I was fine ( I should have asked for a second opinion) and promptly sent me home a whopping 4 hours after birth. The consensus was that all newborns would be better off at home , away from all of the sick people. So I spent my first few days of life sleeping in my crib outside in my yard. No wonder I hate camping now.

My Papaw drove down a few days later to check on us, as once again, no phones. He got to the Biloxi/Ocean Springs bridge, and well, it wasn't all there. He told the military guys what he needed and apparently flashed his Naval Commander status and the SeaBees got him across the bay and to our house. He met me, checked on my parents, and turned right around and went home, with a little help from the Seabees again.

Obviously I don't remember any of this as I was a NEWBORN, but I have heard stories from my family and seen many pictures. It was truly a disaster in so many ways, and I am thankful that my family came out unscathed.

It was the same with Katrina. I was 40 miles inland from landfall but was there for the whole thing, including the 125+ winds that hit our small town. Just like my brother did when he was 9 and I was on the way, I rode out Katrina in that basement in Poplarville with my dogs and my cell phone, which I used to talk to Gregory (who was in Philly and a HOT MESS about me being there) until the damn signal went away about an hour in. I'll never forget looking out my kitchen window 2 days later and seeing a car pull in my driveway, and there he was, coming to rescue me. Always my knight in shining armor that one.

But back to my point, with it being late in hurricane season and the activity heating up, it got me thinking about Camille. And Betsy, and Andrew, and Katrina, and all of the other storms that have left death, destruction and devastation in their wake. So today, wherever you are, say a little prayer for the folks that have been affected by them, and also for the folks that are in their path today.

This is a picture of the Hurricane Camille memorial that sits along Hwy 90 in Biloxi. The flagpole is bent because it was a flagpole that was bent during the actual storm.

This?? The same memorial after Katrina.

Ghosts in my house.....

2009-08-15T21:32:00.002-05:00

The Closet

2009-08-12T21:51:00.010-05:00

The closet in our master bedroom looks like a war zone.

It literally looks like it was ransacked by a free-range crackhead.

Normally it's quite organized and clutter-free, since I used to be miss everything has it's place and that's where it will go.

Now?? It looks like some of the places you see on one of those cable messy home shows.

The rest of my house is pristine, everything in it's place, clean and normal.

I haven't always been a neat freak. I was as messy as the next teenager. But taking care of an dementia riddled eventually diagnosed with Alzheimer's grandmother will make you realize the value of stuff being where it's supposed to be. And having a husband who likes things as you do, score !! Clean and organized house that is still comfy but not a hot mess, a BIG THUMBS UP ! Plus, G would do his thing too, he was an expert of the Swiffer !! (Or Swiffle, as he liked to call it).

The closet that I want to forget?? **shudder**

And it's a shame because it's a "double-walk in", which is like a room unto itself.

It started off innocently enough. I finally washed the last loads of laundry that were around in the week or so after Gregory died, folded them neatly and put them in their baskets.

I started putting stuff away, and arrived at his favorite t-shirt.

The shirt we got while we were in Florida for our first "bike week."

The shirt he asked me to help him pick out.

The shirt he liked because the dog on it "looks like Ted Terrific."

The shirt he wore on our honeymoon.

On our trip to Marco Island.

Our parties in New Orleans.

Our trip back to Poplarville.

Just hanging out.

The shirt he was wearing when he got his first ever tattoo. He called his tattoo his "mid-life crisis", and I immediately told him that I was his mid-life crisis.

The shirt that he ~~wears~~ wore while smiling that big goofy smile that I am so in love with.

This one.

This shirt brought me to my knees. I held onto this shirt and cried and wailed and threw a tantrum a teething baby would be proud of, and when it was finally so soaked with tears that I thought I couldn't smell him anymore? I put it on.

Then I took the basket and the other one that was full and set them in the closet, where his clothes still hang. And mine too. Day by day, I would pick up a shoe, or see one of his coats hanging in the hall or in one of the entryways, and to the closet it would go.

Along with towels that don't need folding right this second, clean sheets and bedding that needs to go to it's spot but still sits in it's basket, and things that I might wear but probably won't but if I do I'll just throw them in the dryer to knock the wrinkles out.

That closet is like me. When the door is closed, it looks like just another normal place. But open the door, and it's a mass of jumbled things that don't know exactly where to go, what to do or how they got there.

It just keeps hoping that someone will finally take the time to come along and fix it and make it right again.

What's up Yall Wednesday???

2009-08-11T22:38:00.005-05:00

What's up yall ?? Teddy says "holla!!"

Not a Mom - Just a Wino.....

2009-08-10T12:33:00.005-05:00

I've been "grouped" again.

For "not being a mother."

There is a very good wine that I used to enjoy that was asking for written reviews, so I volunteered to do so. Soon after responding to their little e-mail survey I received a thanks but no thanks reply.

To quote:

" Thank you for your interest, but we are trying to market to a demographic that you are not a member of. We want to showcase our wines to mothers of small children that would like to enjoy a glass of our products after a hectic day of being a mom. Unfortunately we would be unable to publish your review. Thanks again, and please continue to enjoy our products!!"

Sincerely, Asshat Wine Company ( real name not mentioned to deflect lawsuits)

REALLLLLLY ???

So I guess this means that mothers of teenagers can't drink your wine. Dads? You're screwed too. Gay and Lesbian parents with pre-teens ? Sorry, you're outta luck. Hell why don't yall just put a swastika on the bottle so Jewish people can't drink it? Better yet, how about a guy in a white hood, or a chihuahua, or a picture of a Vietnamese woman doing a pedicure. Shit let's offend EVERYONE who doesn't fall in your demographic !!!

I thought wine was for ANYONE of legal drinking age. Hell we had Boone's farm at the kid's table every Christmas ! One small glass per child please.

As you can tell I'm a bit peeved.

No, I'M NOT A MOTHER. I used to be a step-mom. I would have had kid's but when who would have been Baby-Daddy up and died on me that became a bit of a problem.

But I have nephews and nieces. Cousins. Friends who actually have REAL LIVE
BABIES! And many of these people DRINK WINE !! IMAGINE THAT !!!

Some of my best internet friends are bloggers with kids. Some are even "mommy bloggers". Some of them post about their kids a lot, but many of them post about dildos and dying one's nether regions blue and tattoos and what idiots their husbands can be and all kinds of normal everyday life stuff. So they can have wine , but not me. Bitches. ; )

So let's check this off shall we? Because I have no children, I can't drink _____ wine, can't get federal assistance to help me until Greg's will is probated, can't get Social Security til I'm 60, and I get asked by people don't I wish we'd had a baby so I would have something "to remember him by." Oh yes, that has happened. More than once.

I'm fed up with being looked down on because I don't have kids. Because I waited to find the love of my life before I started even considering it. It royally irks me.

And you know what's really bad?? Next year, at BlogHer 10, they'll probably be cool parties and events that I won't get to go to because I'm "not a mom." But my friends that are moms will get to go and I won't get to hang out with them !! ARGH !! I don't want the baby swag !! I just want to hang out with the people that live in my computer !!

*SIGH*

Thanks for letting me rant. I'm off to take my barren uterus to the fridge for a Sam Adams. At least he still loves me.

And BTW, I am a mom. Here are my babies.

Sunday Song......

2009-08-09T00:11:00.004-05:00

Here's our Sunday song that G would sing to me as we made breakfast, had our mimosas or took a boat ride. Sometimes he would just grab me and dance around the room while he sang it.....oh I miss you so.......

Firsts

2009-08-08T11:56:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to keep the weekends light and weepy widow-free, after all, isn't that what weekends are all about?? So here's a useless me-me so you'll know more dirt on me when I become Supreme Princess and all that.....and a bag of chips. *snap*

First Job: I worked at "the Creamery" across from my Granny's when I was a senior in HS. I got out at 1 because I had almost all of my credits and worked there 3 days a week.

First Real Job: Dispatcher / Jailer for the Pearl River County Sheriff's Department, which led to being a deputy then a Criminal Investigator and Evidence Tech.

First Favorite Politician: Theodore Roosevelt

First Car: 1986 Honda Prelude was the first car of my own ! The first one I really drove was my Granny's Ford Escort and Lincoln Town Car.

First Record/CD: Oh boy. I don't remember my first record but I know the first CD I ever bought was The Beastie Boys "Licensed to Ill."

First Sport Played: Geez. I dunno. T-ball?

First Concert: David Bowie in Singapore !!

First Foreign Country Visited: I think I was 5 the first time I went overseas, to Tokyo.

First Favorite TV Show: Hee Haw!!

First Favorite Actor: John Belushi

First Favorite Actress: Gilda Radner

First Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Scott I don't remember his last name but our first date was to see "Purple Rain"

First Encounter with a Famous Person: We saw Robert Redford on the street in Tokyo and my mom had a conniption. I was meh. But when I sat with Joe Montana on a plane once I was like OHMYGAWDIMSITTINGNEXTTOJOEMONTANASQUUUUEEEEEE!!!

First Brush With Death: While flying back from Singapore one of our plane's engines caught fire and we had to make an emergency landing in Guam, during a monsoon, and we had to slide down the plane emergency escape thingy.

First House/Condo Owned: My granny's home in Mississippi.

First Film Seen: I have no clue. The earliest one I remember was Smokey and the Bandit.

First Favorite Recording Artist: Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass. Yes, I admit it.

First Favorite Radio Station: WWL Radio New Orleans

First Book I Remember Reading: Where the Sidewalk Ends by Shel Silverstein

First Meme You Answered on Your Blog:

Here ya go....http://www.livefromthe205.com/2009/04/me-mes.html

Here it comes.....

2009-08-06T11:50:00.001-05:00

My birthday is coming up.

Two weeks from today I'll be 40. Ugh.

And yanno, it's not really the turning 40 part that annoys me.

It's the turning 40 without him.

I was looking forward to getting old with him.

He told me once that when he turned 40, his then wife didn't do anything for him but get him a card. No party, no cake, nothing. I have always been a huge birthday person and literally think it should be a birthweek, not just a day. We called his birthday Saint Gregory Day, and he coined the term "Kimberday" to celebrate mine.

When he turned 50, I went all out. He said he didn't want a party, he just wanted to spend the weekend with me at the lake. So I took off for a four day weekend, and arranged for a few surprises. He woke up on his birthday to 50 ballons, a flat screen TV, and several yard toys, tools and doo-dads that he wanted. Along with some of his favorite movies and cd's. And his very own iPod Shuffle to take to the gym , loaded up with his tunes. He was like a little boy. We spent the weekend cooking his favorite things, riding around the lake on our boat and just relaxing. He said it was the best birthday ever. I hope he meant it.

I am not dreading my birthday. We were actually going to an all-inclusive resort for a week and float around in the pool and walk into the lazy river right outside our room and just chill.

I'm dreading the weird feeling of detachment. Sure I'll have some good friends coming in from out-of-town and my hometown friends here, but he'll still be missing.

And to add to the irony, it will also mark 5 months since he died.

But, as he would tell me, I gotta put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

So I will, and I hope, surrounded by family, friends and good wishes that it turns out to be a happy birthday after all.

Paying it Forward....

2009-08-03T22:40:00.006-05:00

Today I think I paid it forward. Or at least I hope so.

I was at work for approximately two minutes when the phone rang. Normally I am headed out to the floor and I don't answer. But today I did.

After my usual intro spiel, I heard a man's voice say "Hi, I need some help." So I mentally prepared my automated response in my head while my mouth uttered the words "Sure!! What can I help you with?"

His response?

"My wife died , and I need the slide show she made of her life off of her computer for her funeral and I don't know how to do it. Can you help me??"

Well shit.

It would have to be ME that answered that call. God has a wicked sense of humor.

Once my brain re-engaged I gave him my condolences (which I KNOW meant nothing to him at that second) , and told him in not exactly these words to get his ass to our store and I would move heaven and earth to help him. I told him my name and told him when he got there to ask for me.

Then I hung up the phone, took a deep breath and started asking my co-workers who could help me if I couldn't do what he needed because frankly, I may have bitten off more than I could chew cause I had no idea what program the slide show was on, what format, what he really needed, nothing ! Oops.

Some people were like "wow his wife's dead and he's coming here?" and "geez, why is he thinking about that?"

I'll tell you why. The man was in shock. Even though I found out later that she was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in May and died early this morning, he will expect her to be home when he gets there tonight.

The nights in the hospital?? Noooo that's not us! It was a nightmare!

He will still pick up the phone months later and call her to tell her something he wants to tell no one else.

He will still roll over at night to hold her and only touch an empty space.

He will hear the air conditioning kick on and think it's the garage door opening and her coming home.

He will call her to ask if we still have an onion or a lemon or if we need anything from the store.

And he will still not believe it when she doesn't answer the phone, when she doesn't come home,and when he can't hold her when he wants to.

And that is why he was here. Because a part of the person he loved is still alive on the pictures on that computer he has no idea how to work, because that's what she wanted and he bought it for her and it made her happy.

Because he is operating on auto-pilot and someone told him they needed pictures for her wake and that is what he has. And he came here for help getting it.

I knew who he was before he walked through the doors. I saw him standing on the fringe looking for someone in an orange shirt like I told him to and before that other orange shirt got to him he looked up and locked eyes with me and I just knew. He had the look. He was among us. We were among you.

Unless you have been there you don't know the look. And I just don't mean people who have lost their wives or husbands, I also mean those that have lost their children or someone they love so quickly and unexpectedly that you feel like you may not breathe again. It's a hollow look. Like nothing will ever be right again. And it won't.

I met him halfway and told him my name and asked him a few questions about what he needed and told him to have a seat and I would help him.

Then I told him that I didn't know exactly how he felt, but I had an idea. I didn't ask him if he was ok, that I understood, or anything. I just asked about him.

Then I told him. For months when customers ask me if I'm married or how is my husband or say something complimentary about my wedding bands I say "ok, fine, and thank you!" But I looked this man in the eye and told him my terrible truth and right there in the middle of retail hell he reached out to hug me. And I hugged him. And we both knew what no one else in our vicinity knew (I hope for their sake). That we are both members of a club no one wants to be in, but one that will make us stronger and make us appreciate our lives more.

I won't tell you much more , except that we helped him get what he needed at that moment for his wife's funeral.

We gave him that little bit, and when you are deep in the chasm of grief that tiny little bit can be a huge thing.

I want to thank "Ams" for taking the time to help and taking care of him. You have payed it forward more than you will ever know.

And to my new friend "K" ? Hang tight, do your thing, follow your own path. And as I told you today, you call me, you e-mail me anytime.

I am happy to be your new friend. I look forward to becoming old ones.

Recap !

2009-08-01T23:27:00.003-05:00

From what I've gathered I have a few new readers, so for their sake I thought I'd do a bullet post about me and where I'm coming from here.....

I live in Alabama, hence the 205 (area code).
My husband died March 20th. Unexpectedly. Did.Not.Want.
That makes me a widow. Do.Not.Want.
I have had this blog for a year and a half but just really started writing after Did.Not.Want.
I have made some AMAZING friends because of this blog. Want.
I used to be a cop, and now I am a computer nerd. Wanted. Gotted.
I love my two dogs. Want More. Not.
My dad has terminal cancer. Do.Not.Want.That.Either.
I like LOL Cats. Alot. Obviously. Nom.
I will be 40 in three weeks. Do.Not.Want. Beats the alternative.
I am a TV junkie and Twitter addict. Want.
You may find me on Twitter @kimt205. Be my friend?? Want.
I like that you are reading my blog! Comments? Want.

Here I am......

2009-08-01T00:26:00.008-05:00

...guest-blogging at Karl's.....

Hoping....

2009-07-30T11:05:00.002-05:00

I'm hoping this is a sign of good things appearing.....for all of us.

Have a great day !